Toxicity

10/13/2021

I have realized a few months ago that I have trauma from past relationships. Like I am the toxic one and I am trying to change myself to be a better version of myself but also not to excuse my behavior, I am going through a lot right now in my personal life outside of my relationship with Ryan. I have basically been abandoned by my dad and my brother. It is fucking sad but I got tired of the verbal abuse and I need to cut negativity out of my life. I am so toxic that every time I am mad or sad I break up with Ryan, it is so bad. It is such a bad and terrible thing to do. He does not deserve the way i treat him sometimes. I love him so much but also I always feel he will leave me or break up with me or abandon me. I have terrible abandonment issues stemming from my child hood and my past relationships. The weird thing is growing up if my parents fought my dad would threaten divorce or want to leave and I believe whole heartedly that my issues are stemming from that. If me and Ryan have kids one day I do not want to have that kind of toxic around my family and kids. Ryan has done nothing except love me, and yes he is not perfect, but he at least tries and he has improved so much from when we first started dating. He is not abusive at all to me, never has cussed at me or been mean to me. I am the toxic one in this relationship and I refuse to let my past dictate my future. It is not healthy to hold a card such as breaking up every time I don't get my way or we have a disagreement that 90% of the time I cause because I am scared.

I am scared of so much but also not scared if that makes sense. I am scared of Ryan abandoning me, ghosting me or telling me that our relationship was one big joke, like that is how fkd in the head and my thought process is. These are irrational thoughts. When I think those thoughts, I start believing that will happen which is not good then I start accusing Ryan of cheating, or just projecting in general. We have been together almost two years, and he has never cheated on me, but yet here I am accusing him of this bullshit.

When I am happy, I get so excited about moving and I am trying to have more positive thoughts in my head.
I am on anti-depressants but I upped my dosage to four pills a day, two in the morning, and two in the evening. My doctor had told me that if I felt one pill (twice a day) was not enough then to up it. I feel like it is making a difference. I want to change and I know I can change but the PTSD from my childhood and my previous relationships is making it hard. I will start counseling again very soon, to help myself and our relationship. I also promised Ryan that I will not break up with him anymore, because I know it affects him and I need to stop being selfish. I been selfish in this relationship and it is not fair to Ryan at all. He doesn't deserve me doing that. When stuff gets tough I quit and so when we have an argument instead of being an adult and fixing it the right way by communicating I just shut down and just break up with him. I have blocked him so many times, that habit has gone away. I have not done it since June I believe and now I promised him I will not break up with him just because we have an argument. I need to learn how to handle arguments like an adult.

I miss Ryan so much and I hate being away from him and I was scared to move, and I was talking to a friend of mine about that and he was like ," you can always move back". I am like so true but also I know I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't move and at least try , because it is worth it. I am worth it, our relationship is worth it and he is worth it. I know being scared is a very rational thought because it is scary but also you have to do what makes you happy because we only live once.

I believe in my heart that we are meant to be together and we will be fine especially after I move. I am putting everything in storage, at least my dishes, and the sofas because I need to have a backup, and we can always come back to get it . I rather just take my clothes, laptop and a few things I might need like my crockpot and stuff, and of course Lucky. Also I decided that in order to move sooner, I am going to rent a room for now until I am settled and until Ryan saves money so we can get our own place. I can't afford an apartment by myself but I can afford a room until I am settled and also so I can establish an address for Resume purposes, because I am not having any luck. I know once I move though I will find a job. You have to take chances in life and this is one of those things to take a chance on.

We will be fine but I need to fix myself and get over my trauma and PTSD from my father growing up always threatening abandonment and also past relationships where I was always cheated on and never made a priority. And I know Ryan has his issues growing up in a divorce environment and I don't make it any easier by breaking up constantly. And plus it is not healthy. So yes good people can be toxic and that is me but I will change.

I also feel like I don't deserve good things in my life so I just sabotage stuff, and I do a lot of self-sabotaging that I need to stop. My whole life I heard from people that I don't deserve to be loved, or that I am a terrible person and this is by family. Like my own dad one time told me no man will ever be with you because of your disability, which is really the moved fucked up thing you can tell anyone let alone your OWN DAUGHTER. My brother is not much better, he recently told me when Ryan finds out who I am as a person, he will leave me. I told him Ryan knows everything about me, I don't keep anything from my partner. Ryan knows all my struggles and he still loves me. He knows all about my disability and still has chosen to love me. My boyfriend is more loving and more accepting to me than my own dad. I also have self-esteem issues because of the above but also my dad never complimented me growing up and so I feel like now that is why I am looking to be complimented. I grew up always wanting my dad's affection and love and never really getting it. He always complimented my cousins and always would say see you need to lose weight and be like that and things to that affect. That has honestly not helped my relationship because I start projecting to Ryan and thinking that he has the same thoughts my dad has, and then I am like wtf that is silly because he would not be dating me if he was not attracted to me like it is common sense obviously but like I said sometimes I don't have rational thoughts. Like how fucked up is to think your own boyfriend is not attracted to you, that is really fucked up thinking. Then I start seeking for his attention and then we start arguing and then rinse and repeat. It is not fair to Ryan at all. I never realized many things from my childhood followed me in adulthood, I always thought I had a decent upbringing and I did for the most part but my dad was very toxic and verbally abusing towards his family and I did not know how much that affected me until very very recently. Call me naïve but I did not even know you could get PTSD as a person because of past relationships whether it be love or family, or platonic. I plan on being the best version of my self, and I also want to start working out. I am worth it and my relationship is worth it.

Wow I unpacked a lot tonight and I feel a lot better. I been an emotional mess these last few days. I feel very very lonely because my dad lives in the same town as I do and he does not give a fuck about me. My mom's family are fucking pissed off at him because he chose a woman over his children. I hope these are my last holidays without Ryan. I can't wait to start a life with him. I also have to remind myself daily that I am pretty, and that my boyfriend loves me and wants to be with me. Because my other toxic trait is me bowing out of the relationship before he does, because I always think when he messages me that he will break up with me or say he loves someone else instead of me which both of things have happened to me with my ex and I think that is a large reason I get anxiety when he messages me on Facebook or he posts something on Facebook. Because guess how I found out my ex was dating someone else while dating me was through Facebook. I also did not know that is one of my triggers and obviously it is not Ryan's fault because he has not done anything wrong but it is one of my triggers. When a girl posts something under his posts, I automatically think he is going to leave me for her which is another irrational thought. Like how the fuck does that make sense, I have such a low view of myself that I automatically think just because a girl posts a comment under his posts he will fall in love with her. Like I have major major trust issues, and in the beginning I trusted him a million percent but then I fell in love with him and I started getting jealous and insecure. His posts on Facebook are mostly memes and political posts to debate about, so he is literally not doing anything wrong but my irrational thoughts take over and I start confronting him because of something like that. That is not fair to him at all. I know my issues though and I need to work on myself. I refuse to live like this. This is not right to him, and I am such an asshole to a guy that fucking loves me and accepts me for who I am. He doesn't deserve that kind of treatment.

The funny thing about all this is our issues in person are basically non-existent because we do a decent job communicating when we are in person of course it could always improve and it has but our issues in person are nothing like our online relationship. We are also the type of couple that likes to be out and about and we want to share all these experiences and traveling together which is great for both of us. I feel in my heart that this is the right person for me and that I can change for the better and be my best personal self. He deserves the best version of me and of course vice versa. Like I said Ryan is not perfect he can definitely improve on his communication issues but it is fixable. Our foundation is good and I think we are both good decent people that love each other and refuse to give up on each other. I know once we are together in person and starting our lives together we will improve a lot. Whenever I think of the future, I always think of us together and happy. And that is what I want. We are just the type of couple that thrives in a relationship in person and at least I know that we can thrive and be the best version of ourselves because it has been like that before. We mesh so well in person and we get along great in person. He gives me tons of attention and loves on me in person and it feels right. When I am in his arms, I am finally home. He is my person but I need to get over my insecurities. So counseling I will be doing again until I move and also I want to start going on hikes and working out now that the weather is cooler and of course taking my medicine.

I think I unpacked a lot tonight, and probably will add more later but I need to get to sleep for work. I work mornings in the office and come home after 11 AM and work the rest of the day at home. I love this schedule and when I get the guts to ask my boss if I can work at home permanently I will ask him. I want to ask him but I am scared to get told No and I hate that about myself because I hate rejection so bad that I just avoid asking anyone for help or anything. But the other side of my brain is well what if he says yes, then you can move in December instead of January. So I need to get up the courage and ask.

I am also trying to get Ryan to come visit for new years but we will see. I need to figure stuff out in regards to work situation.

Anyways I really need to end this, but I got so much off my chest tonight and I feel so much better.

Peace-Valencia