love my life or fuck my life? That's the real fucking question I ask myself EVERYDAY! Especially recently.
I've done some dumb things, I don't regret them, well one, but there isn't anything I can do about it, and I've gotten over it, mostly, but lately, its like EVERYTHING is coming at me, from all directions at once. I love the fact that I have a car, but unlike most children that get a car, I can't even enjoy it for a week straight, without being told about how broke my entire family is. My mom lost her job, my dad is behind on his truck payment, I have no job, my dad always tells me how broke we are, and now he always tells me about how much more broke we are now since I have a car and my insurance is so high. My heart hurts almost all the fucking time, because of a stupid fucking boy. I'm only 17, love shouldn't be in my vocabulary, except for friends and family, not relationships. But I literally can't get him out of my head. I've been trying to for about a year now, I can't. Its like there isn't anything I can do, ignoring him didn't work, I resorted to talking to him again, deciding we wouldn't talk to each other didn't work, we both started talking to each other again. I worry all the fucking time about what I'm going to do once I'm out of high school, like how I'm going to pay for my college, but I haven't even started appyling yet, which I don't really feel like I need to, because I'm going to the community college here in Tallahassee. And right now, I'm technically a full time student, because I'm taking four college classes, and no high school classes. WOOT!!! Its like.. Awesome, I can get some college classes done and over with and whatever, but then at the exact same time, its like a sucky situation, because I still have to pay for my own books, which isn't supposed to be that way, but since the economy sucks, and the first fucking thing the government cuts is schooling, my school can't pay for my books. So thats 200 something dollars I don't have, that I have to find some way to fork out so I can go to school and actually get my classes done, I'm about to run out of gas money, which has to last me back and forth to school, until I get a job that pays for me to get back and forth from school to my job to my house. I seriously, right now, have no life because I look for a job. Ok. I lied. I have a social life, but thats fading quickly. I need to find a job, so all I'm going to be doing is applying at places, and once school starts, what am I going to do? look for a job, and KILL myself trying to find one and get all my college work done? WTF. I'm not ready for real life, when I'm still in fucking high school. But at the same time, I'm so thankful/glad/wonderfully realizing that I love the fact that I can even read what I'm typing, or feel the keys that I'm pressing, or the fact that I have the ability to be sad, or happy, or worry.
So literally, its like... LML? Or FML? |
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