What Am I Doing?

05/28/2009

I told myself I wouldn't try to do what I'm doing.
I told myself I wouldn't try to mess up something I'm not involved in.
I told myself I wouldn't do that.
I told myself I wouldn't do it.
I told him that I wouldn't try to mess it up.
So then why does it seem to me as if I am trying to mess it up?
All I want is to talk to him, and see him.
All I want is to be friends with each other.
I don't care if we can't only be friends.
I don't care that he likes someone else.
I don't care what he looks like after losing 47 pounds.
Fuck him. Fuck Wes. Fuck You. Fuck me.
I just want to sit and talk to him like I used to do.
I just want to be with him.

Something is wrong with this. I know there is.
If I told myself, and him that I wouldn't do anything that could possibly mess things up for him and Wes, then why am I doing it anyway?