today i went into the woods and sat on this little bench surrounded by green and i thought about if you watched a tree grows for hours, days, maybe weeks, you wouldn't see anything change. but if you come back in a year, then it's grown a foot. that is how it is with healing.
i don't know how to think about today.
i finally understand what this means for me. i finally realized that loving someone is about loving what makes them happy, stronger, in a better place. he will heal better this way. and we will find peace. and there will be more in this book.
and maybe i will become the person i want to be and he still won't love me, but that is okay, this feeling will never stop. i know it will get less, and i guess i am ready for that. i am ready for it to not be all of me. but it will never go away.
my birthday is in a few weeks. and in a few more weeks after that i leave for peru. and he will be on the other side of the world, in germany. we are both ready to see the world, figuratively and literally.
maybe nothing else will get written. maybe the rest is blank. but i finally feel like i'm in control. i'm in control of how i feel. i finally remember how to heal.
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