Okay so I have not been writing...and I feel like I need to update. So last week sometime I had spoke with my ex and asked him if we could meet because I had some things I wanted to say to him. So I had already wrote out what I had planned to say. I talked to him on Thursday and told him to let me know what day would be good for him and he agreed. Well over the weekend I had to go to Laughlin because my son had his final football game there. Well it was so torturous because I felt so uneasy and he never called all weekend...and to top it off my new phone messed up the last day I was there and so I didn't know if he had responded or not. As soon as I got home I got my phone fixed and just ended up calling him. He said he had been busy all weekend but would call later. Again nothing...So finally yesterday he emails me and tells me if I can just email him what I wanted to tell him...this is how the conversation went:
To: YC
hey...what exactly do u want to talk w me about???
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To: DAREN
Hey…just some things ive thought about…
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To: YC
can u just tell me on email.....
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To: DAREN
I can but I wanted to tell you in person…you know…I know you said you needed time…and I have tried to give you space…if you have decided in your mind that you are completely done then I will understand and deal with it.
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To: YC
i just dont think ur getn it.....in my mind what exactly are u gonna tell me that i havent heard b4?? u have had numerous opportunities to change, or be cool, or whatever......its not like we didnt/havnt spent time together......we did. im just really tryn to feel good...and be good to myself......and thats been my biggest prob w u...makn sure ur ok....and that didnt get me anywhere but left w heartache and broken promises......i think u need to understand that u have done some damage.....and some of it is irreversable.....i think one of two things rite now....1) ur sad and u want to talk thinkn this time will really be diffrent....or 2) u have met someone and u want to talk w me first to see what u should do.....b4 u go on.....for me as far as i feel about u.....its all about ur guilt....u dont want to feel guilty....or feel like its ur fault.....
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To: DAREN
That’s completely not it…I will send you what I had planned on telling you cause I did kind of write it out…I truly want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything I’ve learned from our relationship…I only wish I had learned it sooner…take care…love you always, yc
THIS IS THE ATTACHMENT...
Well first of all I want to ask you to let me say everything I have to say and then if you want to respond you can. Well the reason I wanted to meet was because I wanted to share with you what I’ve experienced since our breakup. I can tell you that this has definitely been the worst pain I’ve ever felt. I truly feel so empty and lost. At one point, I literally felt a constant sickness to my stomach and as if my heart were beating out of sync. I’ve been thinking about this…when I was having problems with you doing things with Lexi I decided to pray one day….I prayed to God to make me a better person. I prayed to make me a caring person. I searched the internet endlessly to find ways to change---to change my heart. I prayed to God to make me care about Lexi and about your life and your priorities. Well I just couldn’t get there. I feel like I needed this immense heartache to open my eyes and make me see. Through the pain I realized what I had…what I missed…what I KNOW was a good person…but more importantly it made me see how wrong I really was…how selfish I was…how I made excuses for my negative qualities. I don’t know how you lasted as long as you did. And then I thought about this…I used to love when you would talk to my boys and ask me how a game went or what they did. Well how awful of me to not allow you to share those same great moments about your daughter or loved ones with me. I made you feel uncomfortable because I was jealous. I was envious. Instead of attempting to open my heart, I shut her out, thus shutting you out as well. I can never apologize enough to make up for what I did. I can only hope that you can forgive me. And perhaps one day give me that opportunity to do what you have done all along…to truly truly CARE! I realize you are still very angry and hurt…I just ask that you think about what I’ve said, not what you’ve experienced in the past. I have never been so in touch with my feelings as I am now. I was so nervous to see you and scared as well. I thought to myself…prepare for the worst but hope for the best. I’m not perfect…not by far…I know this! But I told myself this…I have to find a balance between the old me and the new me…I am not a new person, I’m just seeing the world through a different set of eyes.
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To: YC
i read ur piece.....ok i appreciate it....but yolanda, ive heard this b4. too many too count. its always the same blah, blah, blah bullsit....daren im so sorry, daren i want to be this or be that for u.....ive heard it! too many freakn times to count! dude, i was ur BF and i did what i had to do.....i made a committment and i did it....good or bad.....im not responsible for ur happiness.....ur just sad...thats what guiding ur "new thoughts"......if i went back...in time...u wud be exactly the same.....
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To: DAREN
Well I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I wish you all the best.
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To: YC
i dont think u realize the damage u did to me......to shun my life??? my child? my family? i will never see u in the lite i did b4......my anger for u will never go away......and all the while i dealt w ur carzy ass ex...anthony, etc.....but i was there!!! actually im even more angry wen i think of who u will be with....cuz now that u have "learned" they will get what i TOTALLY DESERVED!!!!!
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To: DAREN
I can never apologize enough for the damage I did and yes you did deserve the best of me…and I am completely ashamed of my behavior and as I said wish I could have changed sooner…I don’t know why it took me this long…you have a big heart though…just as with your ex…you will heal and the next time around you will find someone deserving of your love! You deserve that and I know that it will come to you! J
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To: YC
honestly...i dont really care about love...its bullshit
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To: DAREN
You’re just angry and hurt right now. I’m sorry.
Good luck w/ur team this year.
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So in the end it is over...I felt sadness at first but then I can actually say that I felt some relief in the fact that I felt like I wasnt in between anymore...I felt like the whole weekend I had hoped and wished for him to give me another chance and by him telling me we could meet that gave me some hope and to have to wait for him to call me to let me know when I was like on the fence just waiting...so now he's said NO and I have no choice other than to accept it! I know I'm still gonna get sad but I just have to move on now. And then yesterday he called me while I was at the gym and I got all excited. But he pretty much just wanted to apologize because after the conversation above we had another small conversation where he got angry and said he wanted me to suffer...and so he apologized and that was it. Its over and now I have to stay focused and take care of myself...
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