I'm not sure where to even begin...

It's crazy to think I used to come year 10+ years ago and then I disspeared for a long time.  I was sitting in bed tonight and I thought.. I wonder if Bloop is still around.  Here I am, making a new diary and starting over.  It's not always a bad thing.  I feel like I'm in a point in my life where I need to write things down again.  There have been major events in my life that I do not know if I can fully process without letting everything out.  I've kept things locked up inside for years and I can't fully function anymore.  I am sick and tired of feeling like I am in survial mode...barely suriving that is!  A few years ago my now ex husand ending up seperating.  This has been a huge change in my life.  It still pains me a little knowing I was with him for 15 years and by the end of it, I realized I meant so little to a man who I deeply loved and cherrished.  I spent 5 years before sepearating trying to wrap my head around our life together.  People grow apart and I think that was ultimatley the case for us.  We were together so young and essentially grew up from young adult to mid adult age.  When the seperating started I simply state I want to feel like a priority to you and I haven't felt that in 5 years.  I was tired of always coming in second or competing with people.  The moment he said, "I don't think I will ever chose you over certain people" sealed the deal for me.  I was not stating I don't want you to see your family anymore or friends.  I was never that type of person with him...but when our marriage and life together came after his family 99% of the time.. it put a huge toll on what I needed and how I felt like my family was always last for things.  Near the end of it, I barely wanted to see his family.  I felt so much resentment towards them because our marriage was falling apart and our house was falling apart and he didn't care.  I hate to say it, but the best months in our marriage was his family being in England.  I felt like he was forced to put some thought in us and what was happening around us.  Honestly I stopped caring about our marriage after the last time I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling and how I wanted to take myself off a certain mediciation.  Obviously the conversation did not go well and blamed me for being depressed and how he was not going to support me in wanting to take myself off medication now that I had a better handle on coping with my depression and knowing what my mind and body needed.  The part that still kills me is having dreams about him not doing well and needing me.  We have no communication and I don't plan ever trying to communicate with him.. Last month I spoke with my best friend and said I am actually worried about him due to the reoccuring dreams I've had about him.  If he ever reached out and said he was not okay, I would be there for him.  Yes I care about him.. Do I love him?  No... I don't have those same feelings for him and I don't think I ever can.  Does this make me a bad person?  What are the dreams trying to tell me...?  I'm trying not to hyper focus on this.

A year after my ex husand and I divorced, I started talking to this guy.  He was from Colorado and obviously I'm from Maine.  I really thought this was my person.  I went to go visit him.  He ended up visiting me.  The orginal plan was for me to move to Colorado because I wanted a fresh start.  I felt like I needed a whole new look on life and start a new life with this man I feel in love with.  We were completed invested in each other.  It was not in an unhealthy way, but we were in love.  Long story short...I never moved to Colorado.  I was so close to going.  I even had a job lined up out there.  Some things happened at home for me and I just could not move anymore.  I needed to stay in Maine and he was willing to move here instead.  I fly out to Colorado and we drove back together with all his belongings.  After a year of being together and seeing each other off and on, which was not easy due to our long distance relationship, I felt like everything was coming together for us.  We stayed with my mom for a month while we searched for an apartment.  We were lucky enough to find one in this economy and one that would allow a dog.  It was small, but perfect.  It was my first place without having the assistance from my ex husband and I was really proud of myself.  I was doing it on my own and I proved to myself I did not need my ex husband to live.  Shit started hitting the fan after two months of being together in Maine.  The jealousy started.. I could not hang out with my friends once in a while because then he would be by himself.  I'd even invite him and he would refuse to go or say he did not want to go.  I was trying to be understanding because he moved to a state where he knew noone.  I can't imagine feeling that way.. It just kept getting worse and worse.  Everyay I felt like I was walking on egg shells with this man.  I did not unerstand why he was being so sour towards me because I always made sure he had everything he needed when he first came to Maine.  I wanted him to feel comfortable and made sure I was doing my part as a girlfriend.  He did find a job within a couple days of moving here and I was realy happy for him.  I felt like the sooner he found a job the better so he could meet people and to stay busy plus we just moved into an apartment together.  We had bills to pay.  Few more months went by and I found out he was talking to his ex from Colorado and I saw he was messaging her about how she was the best sex he ever had and they would be together if they met each other at different points in their lives.  I was hurt.  SO HURT.  I was doing everything I possibly could for this man and give him a decent life here and he was okay with doing that?  More stuff happened... he ended up quitting his job and refusing to get another job.  I essenetially was paying for everything at this point and was so bogged down..  My heart was hurting... eventually I had a conversation with him and I said I thought it was best he go back to Colorado because of all these reasons I had and I couldn't handle it emotionally.  The mind games would get worse every day. 

I stayed at the apartment when he left.  It was rough, but I managed to still pay everything myself.  I ended up getting a second job on top of my full time teaching career to make ends meet.  I don't know how I managed everything, but I did it.  I think staying so busy helped me just slowly get over him.  Now this opens up the other issue I have noticed.  I don't know how to cope with traumatic situations.  I keep myself busy so often so I don't have to think about it and just hope those feelings go away.  I want to be better about it.  I don't want to bottle it up so tight it goes away, but then react a certain way in situations and not know why I am reacting that way.  This is my first step.  Just putting down my jumbled thoughts and hopefully I can talk about the positives in my life.  I dont want this to all be negative..but it may have to be some a little while. 

It is official....the dust motes I was dancing on have sprung wings and flew away at the speed of light.  They wanted nothing to do with my crazy butt and brain.  They are afraid of what I will demand of them, I guess.  Haha.

For the past 1-2 weeks, I have been burning the candle at both ends.  I have been working on the genealogy on my mother's side of the family.  I can easily fill up a 6 inch binder with only her paternal side.  No joke.  I am hoping her maternal side is much nicer to me.  I am partially ready to start a section of that.  It is the easier and shorter section.  Haha.  I am waiting on binders to finish putting them together, but I have it started.  I am NOT tackling the longer section until I finish up processing the stuff I have printed so far.  That longer section goes back to the 1500's or so on some branches....past the Mayflower.  

My mother's parents both have an ancestor who came over on the Mayflower.  I think that is pretty cool.  I have uncovered some very interesting things in my research.  I wish my grandma was still alive so I can share a few specific insights with her.  I found her uncle...who, for all purposes, had disappeared years ago.  Her own dad wondered where his older brother had disappeared.  It was a question in the family since the late 1800's.  I also found out that her grandmother, who immigrated from Sweden by herself in the late 1800's, had a brother over here in America.  I am still working on that mystery because I have few clues to go on.  Does anyone here know how family name their children in swedish culture?  I know that different cultures do surnames in different ways.  I only have the surname given to me of the known immigrant.  

When I have not been a research and printing fool, I have been running around like a chicken with its head cut off at my other job.  It is currently Spring Break at my teaching job/volunteer job.  That begins Monday.  I will not have a break between everything.  Haha.

Well, I am going to head home.  I have to be at work early in the morning.  Happy early St. Patrick's Day to everyone!  I will be living up the leprechaun life tomorrow....!  ;)

Your friendly neighborhood leprechaun--Robyn

i;ve tried to contact bloop support about resetting my password so i can access bloop on a different computer and it times out and i tried when logged into this computer and nothing either. is there no bloop support anymore?

Username is Webby

Email on account is 

Request to change password get email is sent and then no email appears in my spam or inbox folder from bloop. so i can only access my bloop on a computer with the login info saved and no way to change it. because im not getting the change password email!?

 How do i get my password reset?

hel;p

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

FLASHBACK: The last time I ran out of my meds was because they forced me, in Michigan and I was stuck at that house, and the only thing that helped was alcohol, whiskey to be exact, and I had to hide the amount I was drinking just to be okay to calm down. I was held hostage like stolkholm syndrome really because every day i was with her driving past the hospital and yet i didnt have my medicine so didnt have ANY guts without it and i didnt just jump out and get my ass into the hospital and get them to give me my meds. every day i smiled back at her when i really wanted to smash her and all their faces in cept for the kids of course. and they used them againt me cuz those 2 little girls loved me and would come and both be in my lap when the mother went ape shit which was always and screamed and hollered and id rock them abck and forth, hiding my own trauma that was happening, hiding the whiskey in the closet, begging God to forgive me for going there in the first place. they wouldnt take me back to her moms, they took me to the middle of nowhere and said they werent keepoing me which was technically true but it was miles and miles and miles in middle of nowhere, after promising me they wouldnt keep me againt my will and woudl take me back if i wanted to go back. but when i asked to go back, nope. so i went out to work with her every day she was a door dash person and every day i should have jumped outta the car but i was in full time withdrawal from the lyrica. oh my god.

I have spoken privately to some people about all of this but havent really said anything publicly till now. Earlier this year I was psychologically manipulated and tortured and I finally see it. Telling someone God said to do such and such but making the person believe its their choice, telling them HEY YOU HAVE FREE WILL BUT IF YOU DONT DO THIS THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE WRATH OF GOD AND THE CONSEQUENCES FROM HIM. I lived for MONTHS under this kinda programming and had no medication and no outside contact that could actually help me. I was stuck ina place I could not get away from and tho was not technically held hostage its the same damn thing. Constant pressure to follow the ' Lord ' and God help ya if you dont do what He says. Wrath and anger and brimstone is NOT THE GOD I KNOW. Nor would I want to. Stockholm syndrome kicked in at one point because I was taken ina vehicle every day ina city but without my one medication I was a scared little mouse and unable to think clearly or make decisions AT ALL. The day I was told I would not be taken to the hospital because ' THE LORD ' didnt say to, was the last straw, I knew Ihad to get help. And I did. And the two people who came and rescued me will probably read this and I wont name drop but I have tears in my eyes as I say thanks. I think I would have died in that house if you had not come. And these people say all kindsa things about me, but two wrongs dont make a right and I seriously am grateful to not be there today. Thank you God.

Holy cow!  It has been since May of 2023 since I have posted.  Honestly, so much has happened in life since then.  Some good and some....not so good.  I guess that is life.

So, in case you need an update, I am in my 5th year of teaching art.  I have 2 more months to teach until summer break.  I still enjoy it.  Update done there.  Haha.

The past 2 months, I have been working (aka: getting paid VS. volunteering) at the local art gallery at which I usually volunteer.  They have a program for area school kids in 3rd grade to come in and experience art.  They look at art, talk about art, and make art of some kind.   This year, they got to look at art by Ardith Goodwin.  She wrote a fantasy type book for kids around the made up world of Ardithian.   She also created all the artwork for the book.  Her artwork is very colorful and imaginative.  The kids also got to join in on the "mystery room".  They made their own vimispheres which then became the sunset around the made up world of Spivithia in a gallery all their own.  They had a great time seeing that come to life.  Heck, I enjoyed seeing it all come to life.  They also wrote their own Zine story about "A Day in the Art Gallery".  I lloved hearing some of their fun stories. 

We have had WAY too much snow.  I may be exaggerating, but I was tempted to build a series of Inuksuk figures in the tundra of my yard.  It has been bitterly cold.  I am not a winter person or a cold weather person.  Snow and Ice are dirty words to me.  You get an immediate reaction to both of those words and it is not positive.  Haha.  On the up side, I did get an official snow day for the first time since college....several times.  I have been working my ass of these past few months so it was nice.  For those who do not know, I usually only work 2 jobs and volunteer once a week.   I have literally been working 4 jobs these past 2 months.  Yike-a-roonies!  I know I am crazy.  You do not have to tell me. 

I think part of the reason I have kept crazy busy is because I am still grieving for my grandmother.  She died in August.  She is one of "Rocks of Gibraltar" who raised me.  Now, both of my grandparents are gone on my mother's side.  I feel so lost without them.  I had them in my life for 42 years of my life so it is weird with them not being there to call.  With the exception of the past 2-3 months, I have been busy putting together a printed version of my maternal line of genealogy.  I started that in August, at the request of my aunts/uncle.  It was extremely hard to deal with in the beginning because I was triggered by so may things regarding my grandparents.  It wasn't only my grandparents who triggered me.  I also lost 2 other family members.  My cousin, Emma, died in August of 2023.  A year to the date of her death, my brother in law, Brad, passed away from cancer.  

My sister has been a complete and utter pill to swallow for the past 5 years....for many reasons (and to many people).  I love her but that is the stark truth.  Yes, she can be a pill on a good day (we all can be) but she has not been herself for too long now.  I worry about her.  I miss my sister....she needs to come back to the family. 

My niece, Hailey, is expecting her first child this summer.  I am so excited for her and wish the best for the both of them.  Let's just say that I am over the moon that the baby daddy is not in the picture anymore.  I will leave it at that.....haha.  She is expecting a little boy.  He will be my great nephew.  Sadly, haha, I am a great aunt several times over.  This is the first time on my maternal side however.  

Well, I think my brain has lost all its words for a moment.  It did only get 6.5 hours of sleep and I have worked all day long.  Then, I went to a teacher's meeting and ran errands.  The day is not done.  My brother is about to get a belated birthday call.  His birthday was yesterday, but I have plans for him today....buahahahaha....

I will shut up and dance way on the dust motes that are my thoughts.....--Your friendly neighborhood ballerina, Robyn

So, today, I will just relax, already did my computer maintenance. I had myself a morning catnap... well, slumped over the computer is more like it! 😁😁😁😁

I will play the Sims... I put the stories everywhere but I think that I will put them here too.

Sammy

It's been awhile, hasn't it? I was just thinking about past blogs I have had, and I was trying to remember this one... I finally remembered lol...

I need to update the visualization and the front page, but hey... all in due time. :P

Is anyone still using BD???

Or am I just screaming into the abyss?

Sammy

So that's it, then. Millions of my countrymen couldn't be arsed to show up on Election day, and that's ballgame.I'm hearing people talking about how to get through the next 4 years, how we're going to take it all back in 2028, how we're going to reverse all of his damage. I've been hearing people at risk talking about getting out, to Canada or perhaps overseas. 
    Problem is, there's nowhere to go. Nowhere to hide. We're years, perhaps months away from irrevocable permanent harm being done to the ecosystem. And he's been perfectly clear that he wants to do as much harm to the environment as possible. Hell, if he could figure out a way to require everyone to drive coal-powered cars he'd jump at the chance. There's not going to be any "going back" or fixing it. We're cooked. Literally. Well played, folks. But hey, maybe eggs will be a little cheaper for a month or two. That was worth it, right?

And yeah, I know that the majority of people on this long-forgotten site are below the legal voting age. And I'm sorry that the older generations, mine included, have failed you so very badly. I just have literally nowhere else I can express this stuff. Feel free to just move along and write me off as another elderly wackadoo.