• Pay off bills (PayPal, Etsy and Amazon)
• Pay off bank account (I got scam from a job, so now I have to pay back my bank)
• Pay off Credit Card Debts
• Pay off Student Loan Debts
• Save money (retirement, rainy day, and emergency funds)
• Save for future (kids and so on...)

So last night my bf left for work, and he calls me about 10:30-45 ish, saying i hit a deer! the car is totaled.... HOw do i know? All the air bags deployed front and passenger and the engine is scrunched.  being as that was our only car because we had to turn mom's car in as i couldn't get it refinanced into my name so we turned it back into the dealership. 

So i have to say thank you so much to some of my church family... one of them gave me a ride to church this morning and have a 3rd vechile so i can get to work in the morning ( i open at 530am and get off at 11am) and then taking my bf to work... 

So hopefully that comes thru i get off at work at a decent time and can make it to the car dealership to inquire about the car i was hoping would be our second car instead of our only car... *SighZ*

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I shove up your shirt, pulling it off of you, hearing it tear in the process, but I just shrug and tell you Ill get you another one. That if you are a very good girl I will give you the world. I tell you that you belong to me, and I own you, as I grip your hair and yank your head back, licking up your neck then sucking it until I leave a borderline bleeding hickey on it. I take off the rest of your clothes, and instead of exploring your body like I have been doing, I pull you by your hair to your knees and tell you to suck my dick, literally, and force it into your mouth, telling you to fucking look at me. Your gorgeous eyes look up at me pleadingly, but I pretend not to see and back us into a wall, holding your head agianst the wall by holding your hair on both sides and begin to fuck your mouth urgently with my cock, deepthroating you, bypassing any gag reflex you may have. 

After about 2 minutes straight, still holding your hair, I pull you over to the bed, you are crawling like such a good little bitch, and I shove you face first into the bed, climbing on top of you and forcefully thrust my cock into your tight wet pussy, ohh my god how good it feels, inside you. I thrust my hips into you all the way, making you take every single inch all at once, filling you up to your bring both length and girth pushing your limits, stretching you knowing you will be right back to being tight when I am done with you. You moan into the pillow and I pull out almost to the tip and then thrust violently back into you, and begin to fuck you so hard, I reach up and hang onto the headboard for support, pulling on it so I can fuck you deeper. I grab your hair, and my cock is moving so fast and hard inside you, its shaking the bed, and I reach around with my other hand and put three fingers into your mouth telling you to suck them, show me how much you want this big dick baby. Slapping your ass many times, I make it so red you beg me to stop then tell me you need more. 

I flip you over, and continue fucking your dripping wet pussy, leaning in to kiss you hard, looking at you in the eyes as I slow down for a second, wanting you to feel every single second of this, I grin wickedly at you and pull out. I go down to your clit and flick my tongue over the rosebud of it and watch your back arch in pleasure, then I wrap my lips around the folds of your pussy and suck hard and consistently, my tongue entering you over and over and over agan, tongue fucking you, I know you want to cum but I tell you dont you fucking dare till i tell you to. I come back up and again flip you this time on top of me, and hold your hands down beside my legs so you cant move and tell you that youre going to take it cuz thats all you can do. I begin thrusting up into your harder and faster and deeper than anyone has been, taking you places no one in your life has ever gone before inside you. You moan and gasp and I reach up and slap you hard across the face telling you to shut the hell up. And my god you do, you take it like such a good liitle whore. Mmmmmm Babygirl couldnt help myself. 

So last night I said that I would write you today and so here it is. I was saying that it scares me ( us ) because I am so scared of letting my heart go into the hands of anyone else after what I have been through and yet I have longed all my life for someone like you. The fact that you love me back is so incredible to me. Every touch by you rocks me on so many levels. Your kinda love, The kinda love we would have together would be all consuming and completely what other people would indeed call dangerous or toxic or whatever at least the kinky parts, because I already know we would take it too far in the eyes of this stupid planet. I dont care but I need to make sure you dont think it is, because the things I wanna do to you and let you to do me are fucking twisted as we both already know but it is such a turn on. Maybe thats what i like about it. 

And on top of it, see I know its the bad time of the month for me, but when that is over soon, if I let you actually make me have an orgasm, my personality and heart is literally going to make me be bonded to you like, as if we are ONE. And that kinda surrender I cant just walk away from because if I actually let it happen, it means I am yours forever, unless you walk away. I choose you as my one person, my one special girl to be mine, though Im not sure how much of a choice I really had because I tried like hell to fight it. I keep saying I dont wanna hurt you, but I dont want you to hurt me either if I am being honest I am the forever kinda love and you need to be sure that is what you want and are in for because I am being up front and honest with you right now. I do not fall in love unless I plan on it being forever. I have been that way even as a teenager. My soul is made for anchoring to one person for life and obviously its not worked out that way as of yet but it doesnt stop who I am. 

I love you, Skylyn. So much it makes me ache. Like literally when you kiss me, or touch me, it makes me core MELT. If I let myself need you, I might just be lost forever. In all the best ways. 

So now you know what I was thinking. I wish my mouth was as expressive as my fingers. HA.

I just wanna tell you a few things while I am alone and able to fully focus on how and what I feel. I want you to know that I love us together, I dont know you have to decide if we are together or not for real, because things are really up in the air for me, and you are just starting out in an entirely new life for yourself, and I would never want to get in the way of that. I know you say I wont, but you will meet new people now, and dont you dare let anyone take advantage of that gorgeous heart you have. I love you Skylyn. Youre an amazing girl who deserves the best in life. I am on an unknown path. We shall see where this takes us if you are sure you want to. I know I shouldnt. Argh. 

I want to show you what it feels like to be loved, to be sexed up, to be submissive to you, to be dominant to you, and make sweet love to you and so much more. I dont know how far you even want to go sexually. That last orgasm you had that was so intense will only get more intense the more I do it, because our frequencies align and it creates electricity in our morphic and scalar fields. Sigh. Its a good thing. I can take you there if you want me to. I want to kiss every inch of you and let you know how beautful you are inside and out. I actually crave your hands on me, your fingers touching me, your lips on mine. I want to be on top of you, and you on top of me and just literally everything there is to do, I wanna do it with you 

Id take your hand and lead you onto the bed, kissing you, straddling you and holding your wrists up by your head. I would give you the biggest fucking hickey you ever had all over the place if youd want me to, But as far as the strap on goes, I want to kiss you so deeply that we both forget where we are, and run my fingertips up your inner thighs, teasing you, feeling your wetness, and I would slide deeply into you, gently at first, just testing out how much you can take, and pushing alllllll the way in till I completely fill you up., then pull most of the way back out, till just the tip is teasing the folds of your pussy. Id look at you right in the eyes, lean down and kiss you and at the same time thrust hard and deep into you, till my hips meet yours, and I garuntee you would cry out with pleasure, That would only turn me on to the point that Id start fucking you so hard and fast that you cant help moaning and, Id alternate, slowing down deeply moving inside you, to fast and hard, harder each time, feeling every emotion possible at the same time, making me want to totally lose it, and fuck you so hard you explode onto my cock, and fuck it, thats exactly what I do, and just when you think you cant take it anymore, I go faster, hitting your G-spot over and over and over again till you are quivering under me, but I dont stop, not until you are beggine me to let you cum, and just as I tell you to fucking cum for me, you do, and this time you find out what female ejaculation is, as you squirt all over the place, releasing alll those years of built up tension and anger and frustration ( because thats what REAL cumming does baby. I cant wait to make that happen for you ) Mmmm. I pull out of you, and go down and lick up every single drop of your cum, swallowing it like it was water I needed to survive. I lick your clit, softly then hard, and find a rythym you like as I pull your legs over my shoulders and plunge my tongue deep inside you repeatedly, holding your hands tight. I glue my mouth to your clit and suck and suck and suck till your sweet release comes, as your legs tighten around my head. Mmmm God, Well, There ya go, now yiou have some light reading for when you are bored, And trust me, I want to use that on you in somany different ways, I want to mount you, and fuck you from behind soooo deep and slow and hard that you scream for me. And I want to make you cum over and over. I also wanna teach you what I like, when I am able if you actually want to get me off too which I am assuming you do lol. I mean there is such a thing called a Pillow Princess where the girl only likes to be pleasured and does not like to reciprocate and give it back but if thats the case, Ill just do it myself lol. I will make you cum and you will cum hard for me. But only when I say so. Otherwise I might have to show you whos the boss eh? You said you are a brat. Might have to buy a whip or crop to keep you in line lol. 

God I want to kiss you. If you ever wanna turn me on more than you ever have just get on top of me and kiss me with those lips for a few minutes you have no idea how much that would get to me. Wow this is a long message and I am sorry to send it when youre away but its the only time I was able to think properly. I love you. <3

so mom passed away on Friday the 22nd. and funeal will be on Sept 3rd. 

 now we begin the will processeses ... 

 AND i got to find a budgeting app

so i can now budget for house insurnace, life insurance, and the other household things.... and work more hours..

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

What a wonderful weekend! 

I had a great two days with Konner!  We did some work at the school together.  He's been helping me redo the counter top I have in my classroom.  It's a god awful red color and it's so stained and ugly.  I'm covering it right now and it already looks SO much better.  It's not such an eye sore when you walk into the classroom.  We will be finishing it this week!  I am pretty much done with setting up my classroom except for setting some items up on the counter.  I'll be going there tomorrow to work on some things for a little bit.  It's been extremely nice not having to rush getting everything settled.  

Konner and I went to a end up summer bbq this weekend.  He met some more people I am close with and he actually found out he went to high school someone who was at the bbq.  It's been such a joy to be able to bring him around to functions like this and acutally have a good time together.   I definitely needed the couple days with him and he even mentioned we both needed this.  

Anyways... I am off to bed! 

Well it's time to think about going back to school.  This week I've spent some time in my classroom getting everything ready.  It's been a nice change not having to rush this year.  Having a full 2 weeks has been wonderful.  I've gotten a lot done each day and I don't feel so stressed out.  I've been only spending a few hours a day there and it's been great.  I did a lot yesterday even though I was exhausted.  I did two major things I wanted off my plate and I'm very excited about it.  I ended up switching my word wall and another bulletin board.  

I'm excited for the new school year to start.  It's been great having the summer off, but I'm definitely looking forward to getting back into a routine.

so i got up to pick up my coworker so we can open the store at 6am: aka i got at 4am picked him up at 5am and we were at the store opening it at 530am.

i worked til 11am, picked up mom's medicines

her helper came late due to a storm we had early in the morning. so that mom could have a shower

after her shower mom said she didn't feel good... and collapsed in the living room onto her walker.

helper and bf got her on her back and started cpr while i called 911

she had no heart beat or breath. for i dont know how long... i had to find my POA papers by the time i found them, they had her partially breathing on her own and slight pulse.

rushed her to closest ER

when my sister and i got to the hostipal mom had no responses to us or the usual stimulation checks..and was on a assisted breathing machine..

My sister and I decided together to remove the assisted breathing... shes on comfort care... once the breathing assistance was removed she was snoring... after we got her out of the er and into a room things started to go down hill ( random twitches but nothing to indicate she was back withus)but as of this moment she hasn't passed away yet.... as i didn't recieve a call. 

I texted my boss i wasn't comming in to open today... not sure i will the rest of the week. 

Pray for my family !

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

so I took off work wenesday -to Sunday for Avon convention and attended virtually it was nice to not be in vegas but to chill at home and still learn things.

and maybe i mini destressed from work?

Anywho Saturday rolls around i find out i open every freaking day that i work this week and I volunteered to stay late on Saturday ( why did i do this?) 

Sun off

mon 530am -11

Tues 5:30am -11

wed 5:30am - 11

thus 530am- 11

friday OFF avon delivery day

Sat 5:30a -2pm

i couldn't sleep last night not to mention we had generator power for most of the day and spent money on a generator tech, only for a outside breaker to be flipped i dont know Amren didn't catch that... but the generator tech said me to update the panel. the panel is orginal to when the house was built ish.. 1975. Amren will be back out on Monday to work on the (Farm transformer_ powers the gas tank, night lites and grain bins when in use)  as they said it was going bad.

 around 5am today when my mom's breakfast alarm goes off( shes diabetic so we try to make sure she eats around the same time each day) i feel a tightness in my chest, and hot like flaming burning hot.  took temp had a low grade fever 99. 5  took tylenol and started burping after i took my iron pill. i felt better and made it to church.

Church was alright this morning had a guest speaker. but i can never seem to focus on what is happening i have to be playing or doing something on my phone. Had a Christian Ed Meeting and we planned some Sunday School things. I will be teaching in Nov and Feb. Our these is Disciples and doughnuts it sounds cute and is something we haven't done... the Adults kind of pick and choose things.. their going to pick up on the women of the bible book we ended with as we hadn't finished it.  so that starts Sept 7th. 

Got  Dr appointments scheduled for my Eyes and Gyncology.  Boy getting that last one scheduled was trippy as fuck. I have medicaid insurance as i dont make enough with my bills to afford my own dang policy and make around ( $20k a year)  so i qualify they only provider they listed as in network for gyncology was only doing telehealth appointments.... My question is how do you do a pap smear and mamagram via telehealth?????????? So i called the insurance and was like the only provider you listed that covers me isn't doing in person services i need these and they said they were only doing telehealth. the support person was kinda stumped... then got me a list of service providers. that people can use when they have reg health coverage... but i got in  so Aug 29th Eye appointment, Sept 8th first pap smear in awhile and first mamagram ( i hate getting old but is 41 now  and mom had breast cancer). It was funny to because the placed i called mentioned my collage address which is when i first got a couple of pap smears... so yeah at least there is access to those records... 

The only thing im looking forward to... is my Youngest nephews birthday Sept 11th. hes going to 8. and he wants squishmellows. I saw this place called: Sad Nuggie based out of Canada on my fb feed... i love their fb reels.. was thinking about maybe looking into getting him one for Christmas... But it will be expensive because it will be shipped from Canada. 

Anywho... i should try to nap... or somethnig... i've been doing intermittant sleep since 10pm last night.. early mornings ahead. not my fave. 

Shop online at www.youravon.com/kimberlygroves

I pray every single day that there is someone or something out there that can bring me back to my son. Telling me to just accept things as they are right now reminds me alot of the Eckhart Tolle books that I have read and in theory,. and when things are not going incredibly wrong, you have the time to try to adapt to living IN THE NOW, okay I get the concept, I have practiced it years ago. But when you are hanging by the silky threads of the threads, and time has no meaning, the hours and days and minutes all blur together like so much murky unwet water, and every nanosecond without them hurts? Its not exactly practical advice because the best that you could aheieve is to be faking it, and what is the point to that? Fake it till you make it is a rancid piece of bullshit. It just makes you a liar, and trying to rewire your brain by lying is not the way to go. I am saying all of this because I AM WALKING OUT A LIVING DEATH AND TELLING ME TO BE POSITIVE OR FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT OR FORGET MY SON IS UTTER NONSENSICAL IDIOCY. 

Lunacy if you want the truth of it. The point of this is to UNLEARN all the programming that we were taught by this world. and frankly that involves TRUTH IN THE INNER SECRET PLACES OF YOUR HEART MIND SOUL BODY AND ITS LIKE EXPOSING YOUR VAGINA TO GOD. How real is that, eh? UNLEARNING this world means their stupid cliches and self help books and tv programs etc. It is getting on your face on the floor or the sand of the beach in my case, and telling God I GIVE UP EVERYTHING THAT I HAVE EVER LEARNED FROM THIS WORLD IN THIS WORLD AND I LAY IT ALL BEFORE YOU, EVERY SINGLE BELIEF, ITS YOURS NOW. TEACH ME THE TRUTH. The very first thing that you will feel after the panic and doubt etc is one single thing. LOVE. SIGH. That is what is real. Nothing else. Sometimes love means letting go of things and people and ideals and ideas that we have been taught. Give Him your failures so He can give you the answers and therefore the victories. 

I just want my son. I just want to go home. I want to be at HOME. So telling me to accept a living death isnt the way to go. I need this or Idk what will happen eventually. How many times and for how long can a heart be shattered and beaten up and torn and broken before it just gives up? I have already had 2 heart attacks in my 20's for petes sake and a mini stroke. I gotta go. I am at work but I havent been able to say things that I needed to in a while and I found a way. 

Huggles love and TRUE light to all of you. I love all of you more than you will ever know. <3

Here I am with my monthly update!  

The class I started this summer is almost finished.  After going through all that garbage with the professor, it has gotten a little better.  He still seems meh towards me, but this is my last week of the class and I'll be starting my next one this Thursday.  So far I have a B+ and hopefully finishing strong.  I have one more major assignment to do.  I'm hoping to pass that in tomorrow or Wednesday morning! 

I went to Arizona with Marije (my best friend whom I live with).  She had to get her tattoo finished by Anthony Michaels from Ink Master.  She started it in May when she went to NYC tattoo expo.  It was a quick trip, but we had fun for the most part until she got cheating with a married man that she's been seeing since spring.  Holy shit, it's been an awful and crazy ride... Let's go back to the beginning of that shit show...

I'm not even sure if I've talked about this..but I want to start at the very beginning.  Marije got a divorce back in December.  As months went along, I've found out information involving her and her sneaky side, which just baffles me.  I don't want to go into much detail about that, but I think I am realizing how much of a shady homewrecker she has turned out to be.  Anyways... things were fine!  She was dating some guy she met on a dating app for a few weeks and was having a great time.  I knew they would not work out, but she was out having fun and that is all that mattered.  She ended up breaking it off with this guy she was dating for a few weeks.  He started getting a little pushy and weird and wanted to take things to a whole different level.  She just wanted to date and have a good time.  She told me she really broke up with him because how can she date someone and have feelings for someone else.  I said yeah, that makes sense if you've developed strong feelings for someone. I did not really think anything of it, because I would have done the same thing!  I checked in with her a few times and she said she was totally fine and wasn't that upset about breaking things off with this guy she was dating for a few weeks.  

That Friday she wanted to go out to one of our favorite spots.  It was nice out and we did not see our friend Ross play in a while, so it was a perfect evening.  She asked me if I cared if she invited a friend she met at Police Academy.  Of course I did not mind.  I was excited about meeting someone she knew from academy finally.  She was always better friends with males, so her mentioned it was a guy I was not phased.  I met him and he seemed like a nice person.  The three of us had great conversation and I was excited about being out.  It was a long day at work anyway.  I knew he was married and they just had a baby so I was asking how everything with the baby was going.  He showed me a couple of videos and pictures of the baby.  As the night went on...Marije and Anthony became extremly close...like they've been sort of close before.  I became really angry and just hid my feelings about it.  I drove her and of course she drank too much.  I was very tired by 10:30p came and just wanted to go home.  After seeing them be close and he was snuggling her in the chair and kissing her head a few times, I wanted out fast.  I ended up telling her I was going to head home and if Anthony was bringing her home.  She said oh yeah he will bring me home and I just left.  As soon as I got home, I took care of the dogs and just went to bed.  I was so shell shocked about what was happening at the pub.  

The next morning came and I asked her what was up.  She denied everything and I said well you two look offly close for just being friends and he is MARRIED with a BABY.  She was totally oblivious about everything and sad she didn't care.  I've tried talking with her multiple times and she said well he's not happy in his marriage anyway and will probably leave his wife eventually it's not good one bit.  I mentioned to her the whole idea was terrible and what if she gets caught and he gets caught!  She said well it won't be her problem to deal with and she didn't care.  I was floored at her responses.  I still don't understand any of this.  Obviously as months go by she gets stronger feelings for Anthony and quite frankly, he just played her along for the ride.  He was getting his cake and eating it too.  I was at work that Monday and she told me she gave Anthony my phone number.  I was livid about that!  I told her to please never give out my cell number unless you ask my permission because I wanted nothing to do with him or what was going on between them.  Of courwse I got a text message from him explaining to me what was going on between them and how they had feelings for each other and it was not the best timing blah blah blah.  I ripped him a new one and he did not like it.

Marije and Anthony went away to NYC to the tattoo expo during Mother's Day weekend.  He left his wife that weekend to go be with another woman.  I was floored about these plans.  I knew Marije was already going by herself.  She did not invite me anyway because I think she was planning on going with the guy she was dating before she dumped him for a married man.  Konner and I had the house to ourselves that weekend, which was nice.  We went out a few times and would just talk about what the hell is going on!  Marije comes back super late Sunday and Anthony stays the night, which makes no sense because he met her in Massachusettes, so he went out of his way to come over to our house instead of going home to his wife.  A day or two later Marije and I went out and mentioned how Anthony's wife was calling around different hotels to find out where her husband was staying.  She was suspicious about what was going on and calling hotels.  I mentioned that to Marije and I said you two need to stop seeing each other because his wife is suspicious about all of this and you're going to get hurt and it's just wrong about what is happening.  A week after they went to NYC Anthony had a hard conversation and Marije told me that Anthony said they needed to slow down and he needed to fix his marriage and a bunch of other stuff I can't really remember.  Obviously she came home upset and was crying, but said the conversation was good, just hard.  I told her he was never going to leave his wife for her and what was happening needed to stop because it's morally not okay.  Of course she did not listen and was depressed for a few days.  It was hard seeing her like that, but then a part of me did not care because she was putting herself in this shitty situation and saw no wrong in it.  

As weeks went on, they would talk on the phone together all the time and she would meet up with him on his days off or she would go follow him like a puppy when he was on duty.  I even mentioned that she needed to be careful about that because he worked in the same town he lived in and you never know who the both of them could run into.  Everything I said at this point was just pointless it went in one ear and out the other.  She did not care period.  It was sickening seeing them together and it became worse seeing how more involved they were when school was out for the summer. 

End of June came around and she went on her camping trip that should have been cancelled after their conversation about slowing down and letting him see if his marriage was even fixable.  They still went away together.  She knew I was not happy about any of it because I barely spoke to her when she did text me asking me how the babies were doing...meaning our dogs.  I said they were fine and that was it.  Meanwhile she did not care her best friend from up north came down to see her and she blew it off and said she was still going away with Anthony regardless.  When she came back that Wednesday evening I knew something was up.  They were sitting in his truck for about 40 minutes before they came inside.  I was playing video games with a friend at the time because I had some free time.  After he left I thought she fell asleep on on her bed from being tired from her camping trip.  I heard her sniffle a little and I knocked on her door and sat on her bed.  I asked her what was wrong and they had another hard conversation.  Of course she cried and I said more stuff like you can't keep living your life like this and it's not healthy what is going on.  She was upset.. I took her out and she was upset some more and slowly got over it because nothing changed and they were still seeing each other and she was still beign played.  

A couple of weeks go by and it's time for our Arinoza trip.  I really did not want to go together, but I went anwyay because she begged me and did not want to go alone.  Of course being a good friend I went.  I really did not want to go because he always called her and she would just stay on the phone with him even though we would be out or spending time together instead of saying hey I'm out right now, I'll call you when I get home or I'll text you instead.  Just like a week before they went on their camping trip.  Her and I were out getting a couple of drinks and he called drunk at a wedding.  I whipsered c'mon Marije we are out. He heard me and yelled "Ashley shut the fuck up!".  So that was nice.  I would be mortified if Konner spoke to her like that and I would have stuck up for Marije.  She let it happen and didn't mention anything about it.  Sorry, side story...

So I went to bed Friday after adventuring with her.  I was exhausted from flying and having to get up super early.  I woke up Saturday to her talking on the phone.  I thoguht she was talking to Anthony on the phone, but after she got off the phone she mentioned it was her mom in Europe.  She didn't really say much another Anthony, so I did not really think about it.  She wanted to go to Dutch Bros.  After we got there she parked the car and mentioned she may be a little quiet and wanted me to know why...I asked her what was up and she told me early early Saturday morning she got a frantic phone call from Anthony saying not to text him and he would call her when he could.   I asked her what that was about since they talk to each other 24/7 and then she spilt the news about Anthony's wife texting her.  Marije read the text message from his wife and had no idea what to say!  Honestly I was thrilled on the inside and felt good that his wife finally found out.  His wife went through this phone and found a few screen shots of text messages from Marjie and the text message him and I had together when he was trying to "explain" himself to me...like I said before I needed no explanation of what was going on because I did not support either of them and what they were doing was wrong.  I was surprised how well she was taking it during the day, but then it slowly went downhill as the day went on.  It was painful and annoying to deal with while we were gone.  We were out having dinner and she lost it at the table and was bawling her eyes out.  It was terrible.  Eventually I said we should just go back to the Air BnB because she needed to rest after her appointment anyway.  That night we went out for ice cream it was pretty silent.

Sunday morning comes along and I wake up to a text message from Anthony's wife asking me if I would answer a couple of questions.  I was so pissed off waking up to this text message.  I wanted to bust down the door to Marije's bedroom and I did not.  I ended up laying there and thinking if I should talk to her or not.  I called my sister and she probably gave me shitty advice because I ended up answering a couple of questions from Anthony's wife.  She asked a lot, but I lied to her and said I did not know.  The one question I did answer was if they went away together.  I said yes twice  and I tried stopping Marije multiple times.  I felt so guilty for answering that question after.  I was sick to my stomach, but I felt so bad for his wife.  I know I broke girl code or wife code...whatever you want to call it. 

She did find out I talked his wife.  I told her I did and the only thing I told her was they went away together twice.  She was livid at me and said why would you do such a thing.  I said I couldn't handle sitting here with all of this heavy shit on my chest anymore.  I felt so awful for hurting my best friend, but I also felt so terrible for this poor woman who just had a baby with her husband.  Needless to say, Monday morning came and Marije told me Anthony left her and is never coming back and how I broke her trust.  We haven't really spoke a whole lot since everything went down.  Marije was working and then this weekend she was home.  We talked a little bit, but she was definitely crying off and on.  I invited her to my step dads house to go in the hot tub because she kept crying off and on and I felt like she needed to get out of the house.  It was totally awkward and I did not know what to say to her because I just don't feel bad she is going through any of this.  She knew what she was doing was wrong and did not care and kept doing it!  The car ride home was silent and we ended up just going to bed.  

This Saturday morning I ended up sleeping in.  I woke up late and was excited because Konner and I made plans to see each other earlier in the evening unlike our usual because of his job.  She didn't say much to me after I got out of the shower because she was on the phone with her parents and familhy in Europe, so I wanted to give her some space.  She ended up leaving the house and ended up texting me a crazy message about how Anthony put down a deposit for a puppy as an early birthday gift she didn't know about before he left her, so she was heading to a pet store to get some supplies and asked me if Windsor needed anything and asked me what my plans for the day were.  I said well thats big news and I did not have much for plans during the day, but I was busy later in the evening.  I did not mention Konner coming over and I think she was upset when he came over so early.  Konner took a shower after him and I talked for a few minutes in the bedroom.  After I was done getting ready, I told her we were going to head out and all she said was okay.  Throughout the day she was texting me a little more than she had been and asked me if I wanted ice cream and stuff.  I politely declined and didn't really say a whole lot.  I should have tried to say more to her, but I think she knew I was still processing this puppy information she threw onto my plate.  I hate that she said it was going to be a good distraction because she already has a dog who she can barely take care of because of her work schedule and her choosing.  Luckily I'm here anyway because I plan my life around Windsor and take care of him.  

So that's been the crazy drama in my life the past few months... It feels good to get it out, but damn... It's just crazy to process...I'm not sure if our friendship will ever be the same because of this.  I feel like it's my fault too.  I hate feeling like that.

Welll...summer has officially started and it's been super busy.. this week in particular! 

I was able to go to my last doctors appointment today for my left ankle.  I am officially cleared and do not have to go back to physical therapy and go about my normal life.  It's still painful once in a while, but nothing like it was.  I do have some healing that needs to be done, but for the most part I am okay.  Thank goodness!  

I started an online class for a graduat program.  It's been one hell of a nightmare it feels like.  I do not understand why it has to be like this.  The instructor is beyond frustrating and I had to report them to the student counselor today.  I wrote an article summary and passed it in a couple days early.  They suggest doing that anyway because you can get feedback on it, make corrections and so forth.  They send it back to me with the feedback and what I need to do.  I go ahead and change everything and add a few more things to it.  The instructor told me to message him through the database where we do all the discussion posts when I was ready to submit it.  I sent 3 messages to him and no response.  I stayedn up extra late yesterday hoping they would reopen the dropbox for me like they said they would do if I messaged him...NOTHING!  Absolutely nothing.  I waited all day/night pretty much.  I kept checking throughout the day.  He posted some things this morning and never replied to any of my messages.  This is day 2 of barely any sleep for me so my patience is THIN.  I ended up emailing the student counselor that is working with me during this program.  She is a sweet lady and was very responsive to my email.  She told me to message her by 11am AZ time and give her an update of what is going on.  I checked my phone around that time and still no messages or any sort of acknolegement by the instructor.  She said I should hear back from her in 24-48 hours with some sort of resolution and she was sending this matter to people who deal with this type of situation.  It's been so frustrating with other things about the instrucgtor and the course as well.  I'm normally not one to complain about this type of stuff.  I'm not a bad student!  I get all my stuff done when I need to.  The reason why I emailed her was for 1. no communication about anything and 2. now the due date has passed and I do not want a bad grade! 

Other than dealing with that, I've been doing okay.  Summer has been extremely hot for the past few days, but I can't complain because it's been raining so much this past spring in Maine. It finally cooled off and it was a perfect summer day today.  I spent some time inside, but I also had a lazy day.  It's been non-stop it feels like.  Konner is gone for the week visiting his dad in Nevada so that's a little bit of change for me.  I'm taking the break and enjoying some ME time though.  We all need that once in a while. He'll start traveling back Sunday and I'm sure I'll see him in the middle of the week.  I don't want him to rush over because I know he'll be tired from vacation and probably just needing a day or two to relax.  I do miss him though!  

Until next time...

Hello DIary.

It has been 18 days since school has let out (thus ending my paychecks for now), and 7 days since I have been told that I was denied unemployment for the summer. I submitted an appeal the same day I was notified I was denied, as I expected to be denied but I held out alittle hope I wouldn't be. I was denied on the basis that the last job I had I had voluntarily quit. Now, wait, let me explain. It was a regular employment (I was hired as a part time regular employee, not as a part time temporary employee) with Fedex during last year's Christmas season, BUT there was total transparency that it was only ever to be intended to be temporary for the Christmas season for money and there was a verbal agreement with them that I would be resigning when Christmas was over. But, for unemployment policy sake, because I left voluntarily and *could* have continued the employment, technically, I was disqualified. Whatever. So now I have to appeal the decision. Short expo is that it has to do with explaining the above, and how my attendance was kinda shoddy during my time there given that my husband's job took priority so anytime he had to work OT I was either late or didn't go in at all anyway because of lack of childcare with 3 children WHICH is why I ultimately was a SAHM to begin with! What I worry about though, is I *kinda* don't have any physical proof to take with me to back up my claims? The unemployment rep I spoke to that helped me with my appeal explained that even taking a notarized letter from a "witness" that can verify my personal life choices and lack of childcare claim could help me, but why would I spend money for a notarized letter that has no guarantee to make a difference, ya know? I also have no way to access a record of my attendance since I am no longer employed there either. So, what physical evidence do I really even have to take? I feel like I don't really stand a chance legally since it's just my word they have to take, but at the same time laying down and just being told "tough shit, guess you aren't getting paid until August" doesn't really seem fair... I went back to work to a shitty paying job because it was my only option that eliminated the need for childcare, that I have to also tote my kids along to, becuse we cannot stay financially afloat otherwise like we used to be able to, but now I am being penalized with unemployment denial because I quit a job last Christmas season that was temporary to begin with? FFS. Tell me again how mothers in the workforce aren't discriminated against. 

Whatever. I'll figure something out, I always do.

xoxo, J.

Hello again Diary,

Anyone who knows me personally knows that I do NOT care for the Orange Man. I do not care for his character. I do not care for the way he speaks about others. I do not care for the narcissism. This man, in my opinion does not have a redeeming quality about himself. That being said, I am a blue dot in a red sea. My husband, most of my husband's family, and most of my family are Trump supporters. I do not let different political opinions affect my personal relationships, AS LONG as there is mutual respect for each other's choices. I understand that both sides can and do have compelling reasons why they think the way they do, human nature is to have free will and free thinking. I can have a conversation all day with someone who doesn't agree with me politically if they stay level headed, factual, and respectful.  I try to keep the information I share factual, or at the very least if they *are* just opinions, I keep them respectful enough not to criticize anyone I know personally. I will share all day long how he's an asshole narcissist, that's fair game. What I won't share is anything calling his supporters stupid, things of that sort. (What I actually think in my own brain is between me and myself though...) I share things all over my social media all the time. Sharing on a public platform to be viewed by anyone who has access to my page is an invitation to engage on said post. That's why it was shared publicly. Comment away. What it IS NOT an invitation to do is message me personally with some bullshit. 

Let me explain further.

The other day, I get a private message out of the blue from my mother. It's a video, so I watch it. It opens with a dude saying how he was asked if he supported the protests happening in LA. Goes on to explain how he does support them. He supports them because the more "they riot, break shit, and destroy their own city" is just "birthing more red voters." Okay, okay. You still have my attention. "Yall motherfuckers out there in Los Angeles are throwing a full blown motherfuckin tantrum" he says. Eh... getting alittle harsh, but I'm still engaging. Maybe there's a point to this I just haven't gotten to yet. Goes on to make jokes. Whatever. BUT THEN the video tapers down with "I'm not mad you're passionate. I'm mad you're dumb." Okaaaayyyy.

So, I responded after a couple minutes.

me: so we gotta smash the capitol's windows and chant death threats while carrying a gallows in the crowd for this to be supported by yall? You don't want to start this with me. I don't even know why you would send this to me.

mom: i thought it was funny...

me: of course you did. and you knew what you were doing sending it to me. Well, sit there and be even more disappointed in me not being a republican, because guess who is also going to be out on Saturday at a protest?

*this is where I started to really think about the video, rewatched it, thought about whether I should let it go. Then doubled down on her knowing exactly what her intentions were sending me this, knowing I do not align with her politically.*

me again: I have respected opinions within the personal sphere. Sure, I share my opinions on fb because I am allowed to, and anyone has the right to engage or not. But to send this video right to me privately for a direct response? Here it is, the direct response you want. I no longer respect your opinion. I am disappointed that you support him. I am disappointed that the woman who raised me supports someone who is EVERYTHING I was taught not to be. But, in hindsight, I guess that's to be expected when you share common ground with him and some of the distateful characteristics that cause me to be against him in the first place.

*finally, after an hour, she reads it and responds*

her: I taught you to stand up for what is right. You act like your side is taking the moral high ground when in reality they are just as bad. but you know the only people who actually believe in this country and what it stands for are the ones to get demonized

(WHATTTTTTTT TF... to be fair, I can definitely agree that both sides have bad apples. Both sides are imperfect. But to say that last part in a response to ME reacting to a video YOU sent essentially calling me and my beliefs dumb is a WILD TAKE. who is demonzing who???" anyway...

me: "you act like your side is taking the moral high ground." as you send me that video... idgaf, you lit the match, let this burn. that whole message right there is so fucking hipocritical it's astounding. Sending me that video knowing we dont agree politically isnt demonzing me?? 

her: yup, shut down the conversation because we dont want to hear the other side. come on, let me have it.

me: I didnt invite a conversation about it so I do not care to have one. 

her: this is the whole point to open a conversation

me: no, YOU came at ME with it. I didnt invite this. 

her: you did by posting the stuff you have. I just choose not to engage on facebook

me: wanna take to my public posts? want me to elaborate on these things you have in common with him? on my public posts? me posting publicly DOES NOT equate to me wanting forced into a private conversation over our differences, but force does seem to be the trend lately. so, let's go public. 

her: * no answer*

*at this point, I am full steam ahead and way past irritated*

me: personally sending me a video calling this and that stupid and dumb is ENTIRELY different than me posting my opinions on my platform that don't personally attack anyone I know or call them schoolyard names. So yes, I shut this down, not because I don't want to have the conversation, but because you OPENED it with disrespect. So I do not care to have it with you. Idgaf who you are.

her: wow...

me: I purposefully try to keep my posts respectful  and not resort to name calling and schoolyard attitudes when I share them. But you sending me that video just showed me all I wanted to know.

her: what... that I have a sense of humor? you are the one who blew this up and threatened to air dirty laundry that was tol to you as a mother and daughter being open with each other, got it. I have never spoken down to you for having a different opinion, I have never threatened to publicly air stuff and things you have told me, but okay. (the "dirty laundry" will not be detailed on here, but you can speculate for fun if you'd like from the context. Also, note here, that although I didnt touch on it, just last Easter she sat on the front porch and DID speak down about me with her Trump loyalist brother in front of everyone while I was easter egg hunting with the kids, she just didn't know I could hear her)

me:  nah, nah, you dont get to act like I came out of nowhere with this. You thinking that video "was funny" and sending it to me privately knowing good and well I am on the side of those he is calling names is, in fact, speaking down on me. Have I ever sent anything to you up until now that was disrespectul towards your political beliefs? That wasnt having a sense of humor. That was voicing your true opinion of me and my choices under the shroud of a "BUT IT WAS FUNNY!" excuse so you can dismiss your intentions when you didnt get the response you thought you were going to get. Will I actually air the dirty laundry publicly? Probably not. But for you to spout at me "yall act like you have the moral high ground" is RICH coming from someone who *insert dirty laundry*

I never got a response after that.

So, listen. I am not a "respect your elders" type of person. I am a "respect is earned" type of person. You don't get to come at me any which way you want then try to condemn me for my responses if you don't like them.  "But she's your mom! She's family!" Okay? Did that seem to matter to her at that moment? I am still confused exactly what she expected to come out of that... or even why she did it. To give her credit, most of the time she IS a peacekeeper. She does not usually escalate confict. So I'm not sure what was going through her brain to send me that, knowing I am not afraid to stand up for myself, regardless of who you are.

But that's it. The first time for me that things got volatile over politics. With my own mother, no less... *shrugs* Now that it has been a couple days and I have calmed down from the heat of the moment.... Should I have taken that low blow? Probably not. And I might apologize for it eventually. Do I regret my other responses? NOT ONE TEENY BIT. 

Until next time...

xoxo, J.

Dearest Diary....

I. Cannot. Take. Much. More. Of. This.

Whatever we are getting punished for, please, let it be over. Jeep is broken...again And this is the SECOND time it has broke since the previous Jeep entry. Broken Ball joint the first time, $180 fix. Just last week she had a caliper lock up, $200 fix. THIS time it is the starter, $80 fix.

I am now through 1 week of lapsed pay because I cannot get unemployment sorted right and no one is a fucking help when I call. Not to mention their system is a cluster fuck of confusion to figure out anyway. It is the least user friendly website I have ever tried to navigate, and I even pride myself on being above average at comprehension, but FUCK SAKE their website and their barrage of questions are so hard to decipher. UGH.

The 1yo will NOT stop screaming at the top of his lungs every damn second he is awake. I'm not talking crying because he needs something, either. He just screeches. For nothing. constantly. I am at my wit's end with it. Been, what, 4 months since he's learned he could? Save me.

Silver lining, I guess (not for me, but for my husband *eyeroll*) He finally bought a new (to him) car to replace the one that got totaled. So there's that. Atleast I get my Jeep back to not be stuck in the house! Oh... right... sigh.

Until I have something else to vent about,

xoxo, J.

Holy cow, I don't even know how the school year is already coming to an end!  I just finished my report cards, and they are ready to be printed tomorrow.  I have 2.5 days left of school, and I'll be out for the summer... I'll miss these kids so much.  They were such a great class, but I know they're more than ready to move on to 3rd grade.  

I decided to take a summer class to start my master's.  It began on Thursday, and I've already done a lot of work for it so far.  The 6-week accelerated classes are no joke.  I feel like I'll be okay when I get back into the swing of college classes.  I'm not entirely sure how I'll manage to take class and go back to work in September.   Konner told me to take it one day at a time and see how I do this summer.  He told me I'm a powerhouse and I can do anything.  He is always so encouraging and supportive.  It's nice to have someone rooting for you and lifting you when you need it.  

It's rather late here, but I wanted to write a little something.  It's been a while...

It's pretty heavy, tonight. I can feel the weight of it, the pressure. 

I'm so tired of all this.

It's getting harder to keep some of my promises. I'll fail, sooner or later.

I'm going to warn you now, this may be cluster of thoughts that do not flow smoothly. As my title suggests, this entry's purpose is solely to empty my hurting brain.

I did not log about it, but 2 weeks ago my husband got rear ended on his way to work. Woke up with my alarm to get ready for work and a ton of missed calls, that's how I found out. Cue scrambling to wake up the littles to then scramble to find last second childcare for them so I could go pick him up and take him to the ER for head injuries. He is fine, just a mild concussion, 3 days off work. Insurance, insurance, insurance. This to add to the super gross electric bill we were battling with that I referenced in a previous entry about utility bills. Anyway, the other guy's insurance company attempted to send my husband a settlement agreement. Now, bear in mind, their guy was 100% at fault, possible totaled car, and a 4k ER visit. Their settlement offer was a measly $2k. No ma'am. What we not gonna do is accept an offer that doesnt even cover his damages. So, with husband's permission, I emailed back withg a counter offer. After working with my dear old excel and making a spreadsheet of every car part that was damaged, their cost, counting in shop labor costs, lost wages, and his medical bill cost, I counteroffered 10k. That of course was with some wiggle room for a counter offer from them. Always leave wiggle room. They didn't take it, countered with raising it to 3k as we had limited tort (got me there, I guess) and because his injuries didnt "breach the threshold" of counting as a serious injury. Still insulting. So, I countered AGAIN with $7k, which I felt was still really fair and reasonable, as that was bottom dollar to cover the incident. Nope. "We will go ahead and continue with this claim" I said. Well, we just found out today that they are indeed deeming the car a total loss. We figured as much. What we DIDN'T expect though, is how much the insurance company valued the car at. KBB ws giving us an estimate of around $3k. TURNS OUT, his car is a model type was a limited edition or something like that? I don't remember what my husband told me about that specifically, but, given that, the insurance company valued the car at about $6.5k. So, to that I say "suck it, other guy's insurance company. Bet you wish you took that $7k settlement counter offer now, don't you?" HA! MAJOR personal win for us. So, with the car being valued at $6.5k, subrogation to get our $500 deductible reimbursed, the $4k ER visit, and $1k in lost wages, the other guy's insurance company is now going to end up paying at least $12k, and that isn't even including the legal fees between the insurance companies to get it all worked out. Major L for them. So, once he sends over the car title and gets the car cleaned out from his personal effects, we should see the check in about a week or 2. New cars are always fun. And my husband being my husband, even said that if we can find a decent car for a decent price to have some money left over, we can couple that with trading my Jeep in (which has been fixed from my previous post about it, btw) and possibly get a new-to-me car too! You get a car! And you get a car! Everybody gets a new car!

Oh, and we also ended up scoring a win with the community church in regards to our electric bill too! We went in asking for partial help with our bill this month as to not take advantage (since we just had to get help with about $100 of our electric bill last month) but they are going to help us with the full bill anyway. Yay! I had the thought to suggest to my husband to even take a portion of his insurance check to donate back to the church as a thank you. After all, they are going above and beyond, and we are forever appreciative to them. 

Dear Diary,

You really should have told me to trust my gut feelings about this weekend because I, in fact, did not have a good time. Not a single part of it was fun or relaxing, and I have ZERO desire to ever want to try a vacation with this group ever again. I cannot blame any one person for SOME of the happenings of this weekend, as they were out of anyone's control, but other happenings FOR SURE can be (and will be) blamed on the responsible individual.

The trip started off with a departure time of 2:30pm. Went off with a hitch. So far, so good. Our route consisted of taking the scenic detour through Benezette before cutting over to Galeton, which is where our rental cabin was. This particular part of PA is known for it's abundant Elk population, and is a major tourist spot for just that. My mother, my grandmother, and myself in one vehicle, the other woman in her vehicle leading the way since she is overly familiar with the area we are in. Moving along through the numerous mountain roads, the lead vehicle is slowing down here and there for whitetail and elk sightings. For whatever reason this one particular time though, the lead vehicle decides to jam her breaks pretty hard, in turn causing our vehicle to need to jam their brakes too. Well, that one decision was the turning point for our whole trip. Brakes get jammed, suddenly the van no longer wants to change gears and accelerate. Cool! Here we are, up in the mountains on a not-so-main highway, with a broken down vehicle, 4 hours from home. Granted, we still had a working vehicle (the lead vehicle) however, we have a whole weekend getaway worth of luggage for 4 women, the 4 women themselves, a stack of firewood for the weekend, a big cooler holding food for the weekend, and the lead vehicle is just a Dodge SUV. Luckily, my grandmother is an AAA member. A broken down van is just a bump in the road to our glorious weekend. Or so we thought...

6:00 pm. -  So here we are, 1 vehicle broken down, on some highway road in the mountains, 4 hours away from home and still another 1.5 hours from the cabin, with way too much in baggage to cram all of it and us into the other vehicle. "Well, just call AAA and get a tow!" you say. Remember where we are, though? Mountain roads. I check my phone, no service. Mom checks her phone, no service. My grandmother checks her phone, no service. D checks her phone, wait! She happens to have just a tiny bit of service. Whew. So we call AAA, they need to know where we are. No clue! On some highway in the mountains, 16 or so miles SW outside Benezette, under some power lines. That's all we could tell her. After a little bit back and forth, she assures us she knows just about where we are and will get a tow truck to us shortly. She asks "where would you like the van towed to?" Miss ma'am, we are 4 hours away from home, we are not from this area (as you very well knew already) so we have no clue where the closest garage is, nor can we look it up because of the teensy tiny issue of having BARELY ANY CELL SERVICE. "Well, unfortunately I cannot get a tow truck dispatched to you until we have an address of where you would like to take it" she says. Listen here you **********... Anyway, got that figured out, fast forward, the phone call comes in from the tow truck guy. "Hey, could you tell me alittle more info on where you are? I cannot seem to find you." After breadcrumbing some info to him, TURNS OUT the AAA woman, in fact, did not know where we were, as the tow truck driver informed us that he was over 2 hours away from us in 2 counties over and he could not help us. Great.

7:30 pm - Cue the second call to AAA, to another representative. We explain what happened with the first attempt at a tow rescue. Go through the same thing with this rep. We cannot really tell you where we are, this is the info we know, and to disregard the tow company info the first rep had submitted because he is over 2 hours away and cannot help. Back and forth, back and forth. before we could establish another tow truck, we lost service and the call drops. Sigh. Do the phone-in-the-air thing to find service, call them back. "We will contact a tow service and have them reach out to you shortly." Okay, great. time passes, phone dings with a text from AAA. "Unfortunately, we cannot secure a tow truck within the service area." THAT'S IT? WHAT NOW?! Call back, this time with alittle less patience and alot more attitude. Same song and dance with the representative. Tensions are high at this point. Get a tow truck company secured, they give us a call...

8:30pm - On the phone with the tow company. Exchange information, sort out the details. "Our ETA is 10:30pm." No. Fucking. Way. we are waiting in the dark, in the mountains, for another 2 hours for this tow truck. Sonofabitch. Okay, so what's the next option? Leave the van until morning, come back to meet the tow truck driver to give him the keys. That's what we are just going to have to do. But what to do with all this luggage now? Take the important stuff, leave the unimportant stuff in the van to get tomorrow. Okay, cool. Did I forget to mention it has been raining this whole time? 

9:30pm - SUV is crammed with the important stuff, we are back on the road. 1.5 hours yet to the cabin. Bladders full, spirits crushed, energy levels depleted. Google says to take this road. "That is a dirt road, I don't do dirt roads" Reroutes the gps, another 20 minutes tacked on. *eye roll* Whatever. Dark, raining, winding mountain roads. Another dirt road we are to turn on. "nope! I don't do dirt roads." Another 20 minute reroute. 

11:30pm - We FINALLY reach the cabin. Get some quick food, go to bed. No excitement to be had knowing that we have to get up to drive 1.5 hours back to the van to meet the tow truck driver so that will take up most of the day before we get back to the cabin to *actually* start our vacation. All of this happened just to end up seeing only TWO elk....

NEXT DAY. This part won't be drawn out as long. Get up, make the drive to meet the tow truck guy. Done. It is 2pm at this point, still have not gotten to actually start our vacation. Stop for lunch. Go back to the cabin. Did I mention it is still raining? I'm 100% done and ready to just come home. Grandmother is no longer enjoying herself because she is stressing about her van breaking down. D has a headache. My mom is being my mom. You know what? I'm going to take a nap. So that's what I did. Get up, we make dinner. D and grandmother go to bed. Rain slows to a sprinkle, slow enough that I can make a camp fire. Not much else going on and I took a nap so I'm not tired yet. My mother and I sit outside and stare at the fire and listen to 90's country music until 1am. The only not sucky part of the whole trip. Day over, go to bed.

LAST DAY, 7:30 am. Get up, morning coffee. Breakfast. Pack the car. Get on the road. "I don't do dirt roads" ended up adding about 45 minutes onto the total trip home from all of the reroutes. Coffee and miscellaneous pit stops added on another 1.5 hours to the trip home.

4:30 pm - Finally. Home.

Wasn't a big part of the trip, but worth mentioning to reference my previous post about this trip. D did try and sprinkle political yuckies into the trip here and there in conversations but none of it was entertained. Doesn't make it any less annoying though. Two particular yuckies that were mentioned:

1. Apparently, if Kuh-mah-luh would have won, her administration would have destroyed the beauty of state parks and that would have been terrible because "beautiful places like this need to be protected!" (hmmm, VERY interesting.)

2. "Rent is so high anymore because of all of the foreigners that have been let into our country!"

Hello Diary,

I am going to open this entry up by asking: How is it possible to look forward to something while simultaneously dreading it?

I am taking a girl's weekend with a few ladies this upcoming weekend to go "glamping" as they would say. Cabin in the woods, nearby lake, oodles of wine to keep a nice buzz going the entire trip. You're probably thinking "how can you dread that!? You're crazy! That sounds fun!" Well... let me spit some other very important background information. The trip itself, awesome. The ladies I'm going with? Eh....

Before I lept head first into our 3rd child and staying at home to care for them, I was making decent money at a really awesome job in a cozy clerical position at a really well known trucking company. I liked my job and I liked the ladies I worked with (except you Sandra, get wrecked.) I had an advantage going in, as one of the office ladies was my own mother, so that meant that I already knew these ladies and I was welcomed in with open arms. We were all friends inside work and outside work, even though all of these ladies were also old enough to be my mother. Jobs sometimes blossom the weirdest friendships. XD I bet you're now thinking "I still don't understand how you're dreading this." Just be patient, we are getting there.

Now, here's the part where I explain why I'm dreading this weekend. I haven't been employed at this place in over a year. Within that year, two new ladies have entered the office force. Two ladies that I do not know, that are also going to this girl's weekend. Reason #1 I am dreading it.

Reason #2 I am dreading it is because when these ladies gather together, all they want to gab about is, you guessed it, work. That's not really an issue, as it is natural to bond over a commonality. However, it doesn't interest me to spend the weekend listening to them yammer on about a job that I am no longer employed at. It's not as fun to hear about who is horizontal dancing with who in the utility closet when you don't know who the "who" is. 

Reason #3? The current administration, knowing I am on the opposite end of the political spectrum as all of these ladies, and also knowing that the one lady FEEDS off of disagreements and the dramatics. Is it 100% guaranteed that this topic will be brought up? Well, no. BUT. Do I know this one particular lady enough to know that she would bring it up in the company of her own little echo chamber, especially knowing that I am singled out? Yes. THAT is where the major source of dread comes from. This weekend is supposed to be a getaway, from work, kids, society in general. I was going to get around this by driving up myself, that way I can dippity dip if this indeed does happen. However, it's a 3 hour drive and I do not think my little creaky little jeep can make that trip without falling apart, so I reluctantly decided to ride along with my mother.

"So if you're so worried about it, why are you going?"  1.I was invited. By my mother. If you would know my mother, you would know that is her way of saying "I want to spend time with you" without actually having to say it. Especially since I turned down the invite the first two times I was asked but she persisted. 2. I DO actually need a weekend away. Bare bones, a weekend trip away where I do not have to drive, plan a schedule, change diapers, and where I get to unplug and spend my time fishing and enjoying nature is a hard thing to pass up. 3. As stated above, do I know any of my worries will come to fruition? No. There is a chance I might actually have fun. Who knows...

Maybe I will be pleasantly surprised and it will be great. Maybe I will go and end up lasting a couple hours before I am ready to throw myself into the lake. I guess we will have to wait and see.

Until then, have a good one and try not to set anything on fire.

xoxo, J.