I've noticed that many of the websites at Neocities (which tend to be people's personal sites) are retro in style. You'll see things like pixel graphics, bright saturated colors, hand drawn art, and a very informal look and feel. These sites are so different from corporate and ecommerce sites elsewhere on the internet.

It's nice because although the look is retro, the info on the sites and the energy there gives a very young look. It's nice. Probably, if I hadn't wandered over to Neocities I wouldn't have seen this particular style. A lot of the personal sites have 88x31 buttons somewhere on it. Not on the main home page usually, but on the "about me" page. People are using these to promote causes/software/things they care about. Some people are making collections of these buttons to have as many as possible, even if they don't necessarily identify with the button's point of view.

Seeing retro style with a ton of energy is kind of an interesting mix. I'm wondering if this is a style that will ever make its way into mainstream corporate sites. Obviously not as its main design, but I'm wondering if we'll see accents that add a young energetic vibe to a corporate site instead of a lot of the "millenial-style" design trends of gold accents, marble, etc that beset so many of the e-commerce sites and make them look the same.

I'm also wondering if Neocities is the main place where retro design rules right now. Or if there are other spaces on the internet I'm not aware of which have that too. It's nice in the sense that it feels untouched by AI and by "big tech", which again can make everything look too same-ish.

This brings me to another point to ponder: is big tech trying very hard with their design to avoid looking "big tech"-ish? If so, they probably pay their designers a ton to do that (or they use AI and destroy the environment etc etc to do it). Either way, they probably sink a lot of resources into trying to look unique and different - and fail. Whereas individual people on Neocities are managing with relative ease to create something wonderful and unique that really sets them apart.

I got into a rabbit hole, and thought about the expression "history is written by the victor" (of, presumably, war). I wanted to see if there were historical examples of this being subverted - to see if there were examples of conflicts throughout history in which the victors were largely viewed by history in a negative light. The most shining example was the Opium Wars in China, in which China noticed a ton of Opium being smuggled into China from India by Britain in the mid 1800s, noticed a huge epidemic of addiction, tried to curb it, and was met with military action by Britain who wanted to protect their lucrative trade. This ended with Hong Kong famously being ceded to Britain.

Another famous example is the European colonization of the Americas, from 1492 onward. But I was looking for more recent examples.

I saw the Franco-Prussian War in the late 1800s, in which Germany defeated France and unified Germany under Prussian rule. Particularly the annexation of Alsace-Lorraine, which begat animosity that ultimately became one of the many factors of the beginning of World War 1.

And then there was the Soviet expansion into Eastern Europe after World War 2, where purges and political repression wiped away the good will they amassed during the primary WW2 conflict.

And then the Korean War, which really had no good guys at all. Just a conflict between two bloodthirsty regimes that ended with the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians.

Just some random thoughts of the day.

There are no English words deep or dark enough to describe the utter sliding downwards of hope, like a stripper down a pole who just broke her stilleto heel, like milk spilt in slow motion on the floor by a terrified kid who was shaking in the first place from something you dont want to know, like honey down a stick not realizing the bees are now angry and coming for you, its all the same. Its slow motion bullshit and there is a longing for the PLAY button to be pushed since its been on SLOW FAST FORWARD, all of it. Yet there is a fear because when it breaks, it breaks for good. Theres no putting the milk back, the honey back, the heel fixed. 

I have crawled through broken glass every single day and night and every nightmare in between waiting, hoping that my son was okay, that he didnt forget me, that he still loved me, that he was going to be there when the horrible bad people lifted the OBNOXIOUSLY ILLEGALLY OBTAINED PFA. I waited like a princess going to be coronated QUEEN, scared to death, in the most beautiful garments in the world, yet it didnt matter, cuz in the thousands of faces in the crowd, there was only one who she looked for and saw everywhere she turned.

Oh this crystalline world like in the movie 'Frozen'' in my minds eye, That was me. I sacrificed EVERYTHING to get back with him, only to find out he hates me, Which caused me to do the very thing that started all this in the first place. And I drank. I cant do this. ALL I WANTED WAS TO COME HOME but to have such in your face terrible hostility verbally towareds me day after day after day, with no way out, up and down and everywhere its just so hard to keep the light on, to keep hope alive its a twinkling light that is slowly getting dimmer with each pulse of light, praying both that someome will save me, and that they will let me go because they would be better off if this illness consumes me. 

All Id have to do is stop taking this medicine and it would be a one way trip. BUT NO I HAVE FOUGHT MY WHOLE LIFE TO STAY ALIVE. WHY SHOULD I GIVE  UP NOW? THE PERPS WANT ME BLINDED AND DEAD AND I WONT BE THAT PERSON. 

But her voice keeps whispering softly to me, and its just harder to resist because the one thing I have thats good in my life keeps treating me like shit and hating me. I can almost see her face beyond the veil. And somehow their hurtful words here fade. I wont give up. But God something has to change NOW. EVERYTHING I WENT TH RU WILL NOT BE FOR NOTHING. 

It's been almost half a year since you decided to take your madness public. Cost me a couple of friends, not unexpected, but only a couple. What did it benefit you? Because from where I'm sitting, all it did was clue everyone else in to how far you'd gone off the deep end. Oh, and lost you a number of friendships too. And for what? You're still terrified of your own shadow. You're still trapped in your own house. Your marriage is deteriorating, because you can't find it in yourself to lift a fucking finger. People are forgetting who you once were, and aren't all too impressed by what you've become. And you've completely wrecked any affection or regard I might have had for you. 

 

The day may come, I suppose, when you find the right doctor, the right medication, the right whatever, and your head may clear and you might turn an eye towards repairing your wreckage.You might even be so bold, so "strong" as to come knocking on my door. You know me better than almost anyone, or at least you did once. You know how importatnt the idea of forgiveness is to me. But before you knock on that door, there's two things you ought to know:

   1) I've already forgiven you. I'm sad about the choices you made, sad to see you so forcibly eject yourself from so many lives, but I bear you no ill will, no malice. You hurt me badly. I forgive you.

   2) I am incapable of imagining circumstances under which I might be willing to trust you ever again. You bought yourself a one-way ticket out of my life. I wish you well, I hope you find peace and healing. Do it without me.

 

There's also a nonzero chance that, having had no response from me, you'll become further irate and irrational and launch another attack of some sort. Should you be so moved, say whatever you like about me. If it meets the legal standards for libel, defamation, or slander, you'll be hearing from my attorney, and we'll let the lawyers figure it out. Still no direct contact, as you requested.

But if you ever, EVER, malign my wife, or the man responsible for you having a fucking home in which to live? That'd be a mistake from which I doubt you'd recover. So just don't. They did nothing but show you love and kindness, and you spat in their faces already. Don't compound that mistake.

 

It's funny. You loftily instructed me to "not stalk you online". That was your ex, not me. I wouldn't have the first idea how to do so. You, on the other hand, DO have those skills. So leave a comment, if you happen to find this. 

And then move along.

This is the last time I will ever bring this up and I DO MEAN I WILL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN. Going to make this simple. We both have soul contracts. We knew each other before. We have so much in common, yet are different too. I cant help my feelings for you, because its a SOUL thing to me, plus I know why we are connected on the inside. I know you care about me, yet are ' straight ' Tho I would never ask you to be monagamous because of that. But I refuse to spend my life pining for you lol. Im going to ask you a question, and I need an answer. In your perspective and your soul and heart, is there anything for me that goes beyond friendship, because if there is never a chance then I am going to let you go. I know what is supposed to be, but I cant and wont force you to see it. I RESPECT your decisions. I can be an asshole and am dark and too intense and deep. BUT I AM REAL. And that is rare. I love you. No matter what. xoxoxo

I play the Sims 2, 3 and 4... on occasion.. mostly I play the Sims 2, and 3 cos they lag a lot less than the Sims 4... which on my sister's computer is basically a 🥔.. lags horribly.

So here it is.. the Cox Legacy which is a Sims 3 story.

Sammy

 

I don't know if y'all know of this 1970's tv show. I recently discovered it.

Apparently it's a coming of age thing. I would have watched it had I not been a mere child at the time of filming, (1977-1978 I was 3-4 years old...) I watched this episode, I liked it. I found it funny and endearing. :D

Tomorrow, after Julie's appt with diagnostic imaging, we are headed to Pennington's to get some unmentionables for Bees, and go to Tim Horton's for supper. Woohoo!

Sammy

 

 

People in a relationship usually experience different stages, like ambiguity, sweet, plain and run-in period. I really don't think I have ever had any sweet times in the relationships. Most of the time, it is a plain relationship. I wouldn't expect a hot or roaring love. I long for a plain and sweet connection. You don't have to do anything earthshaking to me or us. Little romantic things are enough. Long-term care for each other is more requisite. Apparently, it is not easy for him to thoroughly get into my life. Actually, I may not have my own life yet.

What do you think of our relationship? Which stage does it come to? No more sharing, no more effective communication. It may lead us to  treat our connection as chore or routine. Is keeping in touch everyday really hard? If the answer is yes, it proves that the two individuals are two separate entities.

Just think of it as withdrawl reaction.

I didn't keep a diary these days. Finally, I can write something down now.

I have come back home for a week and did nothing to my diss. I havn't finished the report that my supervisor told me to do. If there is a little child, it's hard to do my own things. There will be three babies next year. I can't imagine that! But the parents and the grandparents are happy to have new lives. She even wants me to come back early next semester to help something. It is intolerable for me. It seems that everything pushes me. It pushes me forward. I am supposed to get married as soon as possible to get rid of the old atmosphere. I'm supposed to graduate as quickly as I can. I should have graduated this year, then maybe it won't be so troublesome. The truth is that entering into a marriage is never the real solution. Independence in society and economy is! Once again, what matters most for me is to finish the dissertation and have a nice job away from home.

We may not see each other this summer holiday. He is busy with his project things. And they will take their parents to travel somewhere. It is totally workable and reasonable. He asked me whether I was angry. Nope is my answer. Maybe I'm not happy, but it's not his fault. I should understand everything. Actually, I don't want to visit his parents too early.  Now, I don't want my parents to have too many expectations either. Though there are too much uncertainty between us. Every time when they mention the matters related to marriage, I become panic and irritable. I don't think my parents' views are right, but I feel powerless to change. Their thinking is dominated by tradition, by comparison with others, but never by my idea. So I will be negative and inactive. I am clear that I don't and won't despise myself. But I also don't want them treat me as a commodity. Anyway, the first feeling that marriage brings to me is not happiness. The date time is difficult to determine. Perhaps we won't see each other in September or even Octorber. I have no intention to go home on the National Day if I am acquired to go back in the middle of October.  Marriage is never a good antidote. One can only be saved by herself!

I will see my girl friend and have dinner with her tonight. She has booked a blueberry cake. We'll eat fish and rice for the dinner. Have a good time.

 

I don't know why. I felt a little awkward when we were making a video call. I can say something unimportant, but it felt unnatural. I can also feel his embarrassment. He asked me if I want to get married and I didn't really answer his question. I just whispered that it was difficult to get into marriage. Actually, I mean it. Marriage is not just marriage, it means responsibility, duty and possible endless arguments. It is not an end, but a new start. I don't think I am ready. Though it seems that he wants to get married. At least, he has a yearning for marriage. Usually, men talk more and think less.  I don't know whether it will be improved in the next few days. I'm not sure whether we should still meet each other's parents. Chatting too much in English sometimes makes me unable to feel his inner heart or his love. Chatting on wechat, he disappeared more than once. Fewer good nights, fewer deep exchanges, I'm afraid we are heading separate ways.

On the bright side, he ran four kilometres yesterday. We agreed on some rules for that. It's like a game.

Apparently, he totally forgot her menstruation. What if she gets pregnant? That will be very horrible.

Some students report that they feel unhealthy, such as sickness, headache, nausea and so on. Maybe it's better to leave here for a while. My supervisor answered me and told me to have a good rest at home. But he also asked me when to come back. I'm not sure and I feel sorry for that. Anyway, I am going home. Yeah~

I have sent a message to tell my supervisor that I am going to leave the university and go home in a few days. The living facilities in the  new dormitory or the building is not perfect. We have to get drinking water on 13th floor and domestic hot water on 10th or 2nd floor, which is very inconvenient compared to the past life. It will be a long trip to take a slow train. My roommate left today. I'll go back home directly and won't visit my deskmate Miss ZHao.

He said that it seemed that I don't love him as usual, especially when we make video calls. He can feel it. But when I ask how, he can't say it clearly. I said nothing. Actually, we didn't make a lot of video calls recently. Even if when we were facing to face on the phone, we didn't talk to each other too much. Sometimes he was studying and staring at the screen or books. Sometimes, I was watching a video. Probably, we just did not communicate with each other well. So, it is okay. Just pretend to be normal. Maybe I have thought too much. I should focus more on my career or task. However, the fact is that I didn't make any progress. Somehow I'm so sleepy now. 

The other day, I cost 11RMB and bought a box of cherry tomatoes and four pears. I finished eating the tomatoes yersterday. Until this morning, I ate two pears. It's time to prepare things for home. Playing too much phone makes me look like an utterly worthless person. I feel the same way. 

In these two days,  a scandal was exposed in academic circles. A professor from a famous university was accused of molesting one of his doctoral students. The more than fifty-minute video was spread and discussed widely first on Bilibili and then went on Weibo headline. Luckily, the professor was investigated very fast and finally was fired by the university. There are many dangers in the process of female's growth, like sexual assault, harassment, sexism and so on. The parents should educate their children to respect females when they are young. The girls must be taught to protect themselves well. It's never too early to recognize the potential danger.

I'm going to eat spicy hot pot for dinner first, then fetch my delivery express. I'll begin to read the 39th chapter tonight. That's all for today.

 

 

 

In the past few days, I have watched two TV series produced in early 2000. Both the topic of them is about crime. The first one happens between bankers and businessman. There is a family where the mother is the president of a bank. She is indulgent to her little son, which indirectly leads to a series of tragedies. In contrast, her bigger son is a policeman and always insist on the right things.The whole story confirmed the old sayings "human beings die in persuit of wealth, and birds die in persuit of food".  Finally, they are punished by the law to different extent.  The second TV series are made up of about ten short stories, each including two or three episode. It narrates different experiences of migrant workers, who move to the city to make a living. Due to various social factors or personal limitations, they suffer a lot. It makes me think of the truth that all happy families are happy alike, while every family is unhappy in its own way. That is the conclusion for my entertainment life.

Last night, I felt ome of his words are strange and unreasonable. For instance, he said that the game time is his private time, then what about me? When is my private time? Am I just waiting for him to connect me? That's unfair.  Interestingly, from yesterday on, I changed his remark on my wechat as English Corner. Since he has been accustomed to chatting with me in English and making video calls between us is affected. I'll understand that though I couldn't. One 'good' point is that under this condition, our relationship won't be discoovered by others if we pretend to be normal chatting partners. LOL.  We all know that people's feeling can change from time to time. If it is not yesterday, it will be tomorrow. Girls have been told that male is fickle(善变的) many times. Dependence on men can never be solid.  A man's indulgence can be taken off, and a woman's indulgence cannot be taken off. This comes from The Book of Songs.  I should warn myself of sticking with myself and think more about what I want.  Maybe sometimes I want to live with him in a southern city like Nanjing, Hangzhou or Suchoo. However, do I really like the weather, the food and the people there? That's hard to say. He has friends in those cities, but it is not true for me. The northern cities suit me more, I think. I must choose a better and more appropriate job for my future life. For this issue, I must keep my head.  This part is concerned with our relationship.

One last thing is about my study. The supervisor asked me to finished reading the 39th chapter and to write something useful to discuss in the group. I'll start with that this afternoon. Go for it! Work is more important, right?

 

I want to keep a diary, but sometimes I just don't know how to title it. It seems that it is difficult to summerize what happened in the whole day with one approriate word.

Last weekend, we didn't make any video calls. Yeah, it last two days. I don't know whether it was normal for two people fallen into love. The point is that I don't want to quarrel with him. I don't want to quarrel for little things frequently. Maybe it is true for every relationship to go cold from infatuation period(热恋期). Why not just let it be? Long-distance relationship is not easy. People can't see each other quickly even if they miss each other. In most of the time, they keep in touch by sending messages on wechat or making video calls. People in the past time may write letters to express one's missing, but it becomes different nowadays. It is not easy to maintain a healthy relationship. I don't want to require too much and I shoudn't either. One thing he said is that we didn't make a video call because we have chatted in English on wechat. The reason sounds weird, huh? I said nothing for this. I even didn't stop him from playing computor games or investing in stocks. I'm just his GF or a girl classmate. I am not the mom. It's not my business to get too involved. I shouldn't tell anything to him either. That's why sometimes I choose to withdraw what I have sent. There should also leave some space for intimate couples. By the way, we have talked about visiting each other's family, but it wasn't made clear. From time to time, I think perhaps it is too early to take this step. After all, we won't get married too fast. It is not mentioned lately. I'm trying to learn how to deal with intimacy. I don't want to have xx with him somehow. Maybe it is controlled by hormone. Maybe I'll try to prevent it happen next time. Actually, the other day I've mentioned that I worried about the period's delay due to xx. Obviously, he doesn't care cuz he didn't ask about it. Maybe it is because the gender is different. It's hard for men to truly enpathize women.

I have booked a ticket on Friday to go home. I'll tell my family these days. Even when I go home, I must continue my dissertation. The weekly meeting has been stopped, but study must be persisted.

I ordered fried chicken as my dinner tonight, one is sweet and spicy, the other is honey mustard(蜂蜜芥末). But it tastes not very good. I also drink a cup of hot bubble tea from Mixuebingcheng. To be honest, I even want to eat two dinners, including sweet cakes and fried things. I guess I was hormonally controlled. The meals will get people gain weight easily. LOL.

Because of my menstruation, I have had two days off and did nothing. I think the menstruation for this month is a little heavy. I'm not sure whether it has something to do with my shower yesterday. Today I even lied in bed all day. These two days I didn't have a good rest either. I slept late and woke up early. The situation will improve.

Never lose your sense. Keep that in mind！

Today we finished moving to the new dormitary. There are almost forty big bags or boxes for our luggages. I am very tired. And yesterday is the first day of my period. I am almost exhausted. I have tidied up my desk and made it looks neat and orderly.  As for my clothes, I put some coats or sweaters in a box under the desk, and some down jackets (羽绒服) into another box next to the door. There is also a bag of clothes which include pants and skirts left to sort out in the beginning of next semester. After that, I installed my bed curtain.  I believe that Everything is in charge. Now I have to wait for my express delivery. When I go back home in several days, I will pack up some clothes that I hardly wear and take them home to give more room.

The fourteenth floor doesn't have domestic hot water, which is very inconvenient. We will have to go down to the tenth floor to get hot water.

Yesterday we didn't make a video call and I guess BF was busy with playing games with his classmates. I am okay with that and don't want to bother him. Sometimes, we just want to stay alone. It should be understandable.

That's call it a day. After all I've had a long day. I haven't had a good rest for two days, and I'll sleep well tonight. Good Luck!

 

I have done something terrible. By accident. Not by choice. In fact when I first saw her, I didnt think too much except man she looks like a frightened doe. You know what the abominable thing I have done is? I fell in love with a straight girls soul and essence. I saw my past in this person, like before being born, there she was. There we were. It was organic. Natural, and nuclear in form. BUT.. I never meant for this to happen and now my heart is entangled and I canot seem to shake it. And its weighing heavily on me like an elephant so I need to do what I do best and write till the weight is lifted off of my soul. Because spiritual things manifest physically. 

She is the wind, you know? And you cant pin down the wind. I wouldnt want to. Just want its breezes to come face to face with me sometimes. I would give her the world if I could. LASSO THE MOON haha. I will have to finish this later someone is actively trying to stop me from even writing about this. 

I am feeling hugely defeated right now. She is the one paying bills right now while I job search so I can't say jack shit...but the housework is getting beyond me, between the mental health issues, and everything else right now. I am trying not to scream and break things. I had to clean up a disgusting bag of missing carrots from the kitchen counter that had gone... bad. Just, so I could make my bowl of Ramen.

Click to see the 3DS/DSi gallery (+)

Click to see my Animal Crossing gallery (+)

Click to see my Dolliez (+)

Click to see my Tomodachi Life gallery (+)

The dolls, I made in a cute game called Girl's Fashion Shoot. :)

Sammy

 

 

I can remember walking out on the back deck as a kid and seeing these flowers, and asking my foster mom what they were and she said that they were morning glory. So, that phrase has stuck with me... thankfully she passed in 2022. She was not a nice person whatsoever. She was a chronic drunk, and just mean to me all around. I remember Granddad passing in 2007, and despite mother leaving me out of the obit, (and the inheritance apparently), he had been a gruff but kind angel on earth to me during the hard times I endured at Eleanor's (foster mom).

And I think my Nana was there in spirit too. She died awhile back. Do you believe in angels??

Today is Tuesday and not much is happening, my shower for sure, and I think it's Taco Tuesday tonight... tomorrow is New D, and I think I'll bring my iPad and iPhone with. I have to bring the iPhone anyway bc it's a medical device. I have diabetes type 2, and I use a Libre 2 system, so I need to scan the sensor to get my bg readings to the Diabetes clinic... so yeah.

After New D, on Friday, I am getting my bath, and we are ordering subs for dinner, I'm going to have a pizza sub, and french fries, as is Julz, and Bees is having a tuna sub with onion rings.

Saturday, J is treating us 3 to Swiss Chalet, a rotisserie chicken place here in Canada.

Well, that's all I have. ♥

Sammy

Not much is up, there was a brief rainstorm and when I say brief, I mean like 15 minutes. But otherwise, it was a quiet day. I think that I may just relax now.. Bees and Julz are going swimming rn. I am not cos idk how to swim. I sink. I almost drowned once when I was 8 years old. But, I will have a nice walk with them tomorrow. 
 

I might go outside for a little while... my wifi signal isn't as strong out back than it is in the front. It is weird though, bc Bees gets my signal just fine and she's at the back of the house I guess iPads and iPhones are good at that? They are superior to androids in that regard.

Well, I need to go use 🚽 rn... Maman is back. ❤️😊 

Sammy

It's called Magic Puzzles, and it's really good. I stayed up til 11pm doing jigsaw puzzles lol... One of the puzzles had these funky shapes and was a picture of clay pots filled with dirt and seedlings so it was very hard. I ended up using all my hints but I did it! Actually, I think you can get it on the Microsoft store as well as on the Apple app store, or the Google Play store.

I had jerk chicken, mashed potatoes, and mixed veg for supper. I ♥ jerk chicken, and jerk pork too.

I gotta wait for the dishes to be ready to be done as it is my day for it.

Sammy

 

Hey y'all,

Here are a few pix. They were taken with an iPhone SE.

There is a honeybee hidden in this picture.

Purple flowers so pretty!

Joe's hydrangea bush

Sheila's garden

Bees (in Blue Jays garb) and Julie (behind her)

My computer setup.

That's it.

I had to resize them as they are huge. The SE's camera specs are phenomenal.

I love this song. It is very dark but I enjoy sh*t like that. 💀 I like the guitar solo in the middle. 

So today is going well. Too fast for my liking, but that is life for you. 😄 Fast paced and no room for anything else. At least we have today and tomorrow to chillax. Tuesday, and Friday, are my shower days, Wednesday is New D, only Thursday, Monday, and the weekends are free.

My sister Bees is listening to country music, and sister Julie is sleeping.

I will have pictures later...

Sammy

Hello. I've decided to create a Bloopdiary. I'm thinking of using it for random things... like this really 😊 

I have bronchitis... which sucks. But I'm getting better day by day. 
 

How's things in your neck of the woods?

Sammy

You ever have a night where you're the only one awake. You can't really be too loud or you'll wake up the house so you just sit there in silence. Sometimes it's not bad other times though you let your mind wander. That can be a bad thing though especially when your thoughts start going down. When you start feeling dark thoughts about yourself. Feeling your self worth taking the hit and wondering what the hell you're doing in life. Who can say other than you? 

This song is hitting so many chords in my soul...

Heavy 

SkyDxddy x Citizen Soldier

[Verse 1: Skylar DeMarino]
You don't like who I've become
Only want me when I'm numb
What happened to the life of the party?
Don't get me started
Don't get me started
I've got a closet full of skeletons
But I don't think that you can handle them
I've got a milion reasons why I keep it guarded
Don't get me started
Don't get me started

[Pre-Chorus: Skylar DeMarino]
So now I'm too depressing to be around
I'm guessing being friends with me is just "too hard"
There's danger in еxpressing and safety in suppressing
In burying my brokеn parts

[Chorus: Skylar DeMarino]
The more that I speak my mind
The more I get left behind
'Cause I'm the kind of heavy, heavy
No one wants to carry, carry
The more that I spill my soul
The more that I get let go
'Cause I'm the kind of heavy, heavy
No one wants to carry
Bleeding out biting on my tongue

[Verse 2: Jake Segura]
Avoid me when I'm vulnerable
My story makes you so uncomfortable
Feels like being brave is what gets you discarded
Don't get me started
Don't get me started

[Pre-Chorus: Jake Segura]
The disbelief deep in your eyes and saying I need help
Left a crater in my mind that makes me blame myself
What good's the truth if it keeps getting disregarded?
Don't get me started

[Chorus: Jake Segura]
The more that I speak my mind
The more I get left behind
'Cause I'm the kind of heavy, heavy
No one wants to carry, carry
The more that I spill my soul
The more that I get let go
'Cause I'm the kind of heavy, heavy
No one wants to carry
Bleeding out biting on my tongue

[Bridge: Jake Segura, Skylar DeMarino & Jake Segura]
Don't want anyone to drown with me
I'll lose everyone if I'm not fake
I'd rather die than let you see me break
I'm too heavy
I'm too heavy
Don't want anyone to drown with me
I'll lose everyone if I'm not fake
I'd rather die than let you see me break
I'm too heavy
Too heavy

[Pre-Chorus: Skylar DeMarino]
You don't like who I've become
Only want me when I'm numb
What happened to the life of the party?
Don't get me started

[Chorus: Jake Segura, Skylar DeMarino]
The more that I speak my mind
The more I get left behind
'Cause I'm the kind of heavy, heavy
No one wants to carry, carry
The more that I spill my soul
The more that I get let go
'Cause I'm the kind of heavy, heavy
No one wants to carry
Bleeding out biting on my tongue

[Post-Chorus: Jake Segura, Skylar DeMarino & Jake Segura]
Too heavy, too heavy
Bleeding out biting on my tongue
Too heavy, too heavy
I'm too much for everyone

Fuck...he is back "home" in Arizona. This does not bode well. Addictive...is putting it kindly. Then I have invites to another Ex's place. What the hell. You don't want me while you have me...but now you do?

Starting over Hi everyone! I have been gone for 3 years. Wow!! So, since the passing of my dad and sister, I have been on autopilot and not even dealing with it. I have achieve the promise that i have made my dad that I would graduate with my bachelor degree, which i have and $7,000 of student loan with my mountain of debt that I have. I have decided to start over with my finances because I need to get a better handle on it and if I have some goals that I want to achieve then I would need to be more (what is the word) proactive? no, umm... understanding and make sacrifices. Not only in my personal life but also in my wallet too. So I have gone through my subscription and current credit cards, and figure out that I have and don't have any more.
Subscription

IPSY

Boxycharm (3 month skip)

Scentbird

Disney+

Twitch

Patreon (only 1 person I am supporting)

Chegg (class is over)

Current Credit Card Balances

Piercing Pagoda: $349.15CLOSED

Kay Jewelers: $308.06 CLOSED

Amazon Chase: $465.22

Amazon Store Card: $355.09 CLOSED

Credit one: $676.57

JC Penny Card: $1,738.44

Macy Card: $697.84

Which not bad, but not good right? Hey, I am working on it :D I also feel like I need to look through my bank statement to get a deeper look in what my financial situation because I think what is listed in the above might be a little bit to what I could figure out. Does anyone know if bloopdiary have an option to archive my old entries? So whenever I feel like I want to look back in my entries to see what I have written in an entry post.
Fundraiser Goal $212.03 for Winter 2019 Tuition
Pay off Credit Cards Debt
A New Laptop or Desktop
Currently Bank: $ 10
Retirement: $0.00
Rainy Day: $0.00
Bad Spending (Pre-Amex): $0.00



Needs

• Pay Winter 2019 Tuition
• SAVE!! money
• Pay Internet Bill PAID
• Pay Car Bill PAID

Wants

• Apple computer
• My Passport Hard Drive (with a lot of memory)
• Retirement account
• Rainy Day account
• Selena Gomez x Coach - Grace Bag

Reality LifeThese are my website.

Tears You Cry (fanlisting) Color Fade (????)
My Bloop Diaries masquerade (personal) Colorlover (css code) Penpal Coming soon/ Hitaus Tutorial (will be Html) Test Diary(soon:Layout diary??) scavenger.hunts (coming back soon!) Come and join @ scavenger.hunts Credit Color Lover Project Service

Hey guys,

I have not had a chance to update here but I do post more regularly on my blog if you want to check it out. dailyvalencia.com

Anyways, yesterday I started my first day of law school. I am taking Torts, Contract, and Criminal Law, with a Intro to Law and Legal research class. It turns out my intro class is very similar to the class I took in paralegal school. I am still waiting for the rest of my books to be delivered.

I am still working; got a raise and a promotion and now we are waiting to get a bonus that our boss has told us we are going to get it.

I been having a ton of bladder infections and it turns out some of my urine (yeah TMI sorry), is ending up in my kidney which is damaging it. So yesterday they put Botox in my bladder which is such a weird thing but yep it is supposed to help me and it lasts for 6 months so every 6 months I have to get the injection. Fingers crossed it helps me because I am tired of having bladder infections all the damn time.

Next year in March of 2025 we are going to Europe for two weeks. Ryan's mom is taking us to Paris and London but also we are going to a small town outside of London name Watchet because Ryan's mom has a childhood friend that lives there so we will be visiting her childhood friend. We are also doing Disneyland Paris so it should be fun. Of course we already have a running list of everything we want to do besides Disneyland.

My dad and his g/f are supposed to come visit us in Cali this year. Not sure when but they are making plans.

I been reading a ton of books lately which is amazing because for a few years I could not for the life of me read because my attention span was non-existent.

I recently got tested for ADHD but apparently I don't have it. The problem with this is I have been diagnosed before but that doctor is no longer practicing so I can't even get my test results from her so that doesn't help me. The evaluator did not even meet with me one time just had me fill out a bunch of documents and had Ryan fill out some questionaries' about me. But it came back that I have trauma and that means I do not have ADHD. I call bullshit she is saying that my other medical issues is masking as ADHD; without even meeting with me and also without even looking at my blood results. Which all my blood results has came out normal so who knows. They did send me to therapy both group and individual and also a Psychiatrist to change my meds. Never been to one so I am trying to brace how that visit will go. I am beginning to see the problematic issues with the mental health sector. So fingers crossed she actually listens to my concerns because I really would like medicine or at least change my current meds.

Anyways that is all I got. I got to go to bed because I have to wake up at 7 am to study before work.

Peace-Valencia

One of the biggest changes in my life happened almost a year ago. I started a new job working corrections. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Its been a hell of a challenge. Challenges that at times I still don't know how to accept. One of the hardest though isn't with the job exactly... it's the constant fighting. I go to work and I'm fighting day by day just to come home and fight with my wife over what seems to be some of the smallest things. It's gotten a little bit better lately but what do you do when every day seems like a struggle and you don't talk to anyone. I have my wife but that is literally the only person. Sorry if this seems whiny but just something that's been on my mind lately. 

God it’s been years since I posted on this site. So long that I’ve forgotten my username and everything else. I guess we’re restarting this. Mainly I’ve just been thinking I need a space to get everything out of my head. Isn’t it so much fun when you know that you need to talk to someone, anyone, and you realize that you don’t have anyone anymore? I’ve got my wife and don’t get me wrong, I know I can talk to her about anything in the world, but there are days where it feels like I’m whining to much about little things that don’t matter. So if you’re seeing this…. Welcome to the dumpster fire or the shit show.