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Trapped
I know, I know...I'm the saddest most pathetic diary user on here, all I do is cry and whine..oh fucking well. I am so sick and tired of being trapped, trapped in this house, in this state, under my families thumb, under the pressure of finances stretched well beyond our means...just completely trapped! I have been asking my mom to move in with me for the past year...have left the back bedroom in the house completely empty and open for her use the entire time. She swears up and down that she wants to live with us, that she would be truly happy here but something always "comes up" that prevents the move. A few months will then go by and then as if she didn't already know the answer she sits John and I down and asks permission to move in!!! This has happened probably 6 or 7 times so far! So this morning mom and I are talking on the phone and she informs me that she'd like to take me up on my offer of the back room as long as it's okay with me. Once again I tell her that she is more than welcome to move in and remind her that that room has been sitting there waiting for her for a year. End of story right? WRONG...John and I swung by her house on our way home hours and hours later and once again my mom asks permission to move in...I was losing patience but I politely told her that she was of course more than welcome to move in..she said thank you and we were on our way. We get home and I had to walk into this place, this hell hole...I HATE this house! Its a disgusting, filthy mess!!!!!!!! It doesn't matter how much I clean, no matter how much I fight and hurt and scream this place remains a pit of filth. If you haven't figured it out by now we live in a fucking trailer park in a tiny little ghost town in Alabama! The carpet was at one point a very light beige, but one inhabitant to many turned it into one big stain. I have literally moved everything out of this living room three times and gotten down on my hands and knees with a bucket and scrub brush trying to make the carpet look like a carpet again. I stopped trying when people REFUSED to look at their feet when they came in...John's fucking brothers...my fucking father ALL of them with these huge boots walking all the way across the living room then nonchalantly commenting with "ooppss I musta had mud on my boots, sorry about that." I even have a mat out side the door and a HUGE throw rug inside the door so people can wipe their feet...they STILL refuse to do it! Then there are these horrible puppies everywhere, I LOVE animals...LOVE them but I HATE these puppies...six waddling, crying shit machines. I clean the bedroom floor, pick up about twenty piles of puppy shit...leave for a few hours come back and it's right back the way it was! I can't even get rid of them until at least next week if not longer because they aren't old enough to leave their mother yet! I have a kid of my own, I don't have time for all these animals! Speaking of animals that takes me back to my story about my mom moving in. Anyway so I'm sitting at home, HATING this place and the phone rings...it's momma and she's looking for her old cell phone because she wants the suicide hotline number out of it. So naturally I ask her what in the world has upset her so bad...apparently she told my grandmother about her plan to move in with me (which originated this time because they weren't going to allow her to keep the chihuahua she picked up on the side of the road the other day), my grandmother then proceeds to tell momma that she has no right to bring her problems to my house and that she would be a burden on me! Now don't get me wrong I know that Grammy was trying to think about my well being when she said those things but all it did was make matters worse for me. Because now not only did I have to ONCE AGAIN convince momma that she was welcome here I also had to talk her off a ledge. Things got ten times worse during our conversation too because I'm sitting there talking to mom, telling her that she shouldn't always listen to Grammy when we realize that Grammy has been silently listening on the other phone and has heard everything I just said!! Which means that whenever she gets up the gumption I'm going to get an ear full about how it's her house and she has the right to say whatever she wants to or to make momma do whatever she wants to make her do while she's there! You see Grammy is momma's payee with mommas SSI which basically means that she's got momma by the throat! So I finally convince my mom not to kill or hurt herself and get off the phone with her. THEN John starts...he wasn't mad at me, he was mad at them for upsetting me..but when John gets mad he yells A LOT which did not help my already frayed nerves at all! I tried to explain that to him but he just wasn't getting it so I tried to go lay down...he didn't want me to lay down..he wanted me to do this, do that, look at this, look at that got me rewired and then informs me that HE is going to bed! Which is how I ended up on here pouring my guts out to a bunch of strangers who don't give a shit and who probably shouldn't be knowing all this stuff in the first fucking place!
Thats another thing that is getting to me...I have NO ONE to talk to!! I literally have to get on here and pour my guts out to you strangers because there is no one here I know that I can talk to. My family "can't take the stress" of listening, John just simply doesn't know how to listen and my friends either have their own problems to deal with or want to tell me about THEIR problems because they need someone to talk to just as badly as I do. Problem is that when we're both stressed and needing to talk we're not much help to each other! Then theres the fact that I'm 8 months pregnant and have nothing to show for it...we were snowed in for my doctors appointment and I doubt I'll be able to get another one before I have the baby. I wasn't able to make my dentist appointment which means that I'm not going to be able to reschedule that in time before I have the baby and lose all my benefits. No body cares about this baby but me and John...everybody keeps acting like Isabel's the first born so that makes her most important..end of story but that is NOT the way it goes! I know that you don't get nearly as many gifts with the second baby as you do with the first, I understand that completely because with the second baby you have all the things from the first baby that you can use! But to not receive ANY? No baby shower, no boy clothes, no second car seat, no second and much needed crib no boy toys NOTHING. No one has even asked me how the pregnancy is going or what we plan to name the baby...I've had two family members (besides my mom and grammy and pepe they don't count because they are always caring even when they make me mad) ask me what the babys name is going to be and both wanted to know so they could dictate what they thought I should change about the name and ADMITTED that was the only reason they wanted to know. My grandmother on my dads side didn't want me to give him a "weird" name like I did Isabel (she hates Isabel's middle name..it's Aurora) and my little sister didn't think I gave Isabel a unique enough name so she wanted me to name him after a character from Harry Potter! I'm DONE, I'm done with people telling me what I should and shouldn't do with my life, what I should and shouldn't do with my children!! This afternoon at my grandma June's house Isabel reached for something on the counter, I told her NO loudly and firmly Grandma June then informed me that i was supposed to say no to her sweetly because she was a baby girl!!! I don't care if shes a princess, if my little girl is doing something she's not supposed to do I'm going to tell her loudly and firmly that she's not allowed to do it!!!!!
The biggest thing about most of my family that gets to me is the fact that they don't love me for I am they love me for who they think they can turn me into! Grandma June wants me to be "classy" you know one of those women who buys brand name dresses at $400 dollars a piece, goes to Pigeon Forge to shop and mingle and only has friends who are equally as expensive, powerful and "classy" as they are! My little sister wants me to be the "cool" sister who lets her fuck any teenager she feels like, take nude pics of herself and dress like a slut and say "hey you're cool." My dad wants me to be a racist, bullying, tom boy who will stand by him and be at his beck and call regardless of what I'm asked to do while I stand by and watch him sleep with a 15 year old girl and get away with it! The rest of the family either wants me to be so strong and self sufficient that I NEVER call for any kind of help or want me to "denounce my evil ways" and turn to their faith..whatever that faith may be! (like I said my mom, Grammy and Pepe are not included in this). My point is however that I've never been good enough for ANYONE and apparently never will be and I'm SICK of it! If you see me as a piece of disgusting white trash then so be it but have enough respect for me to let me be what I am!!
: igh:: I've got to stop I'm already going to regret saying what I have!
I'm OUTTIE
BLESSED BE
and
caio!!
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Its totally understandable how you are feeling. The stress from your family, your pregnancy, impending childbirth, the drama, the alone feeling...its normal! I am going through all of this now too (well, not the pregnancy or impending childbirth...but you get the idea..) and it is the worst feeling in the world. I know we dont know each other personally and I am a new reader to you, but I just want you to know that I am here for you anytime you need to talk! I am here for you! I am not one to judge or tell you that you are wrong in any way. You are your own person, but I hate to see people struggle and be down emotionally because I know what a toll it has taken on myself in the past. So anytime you want to talk, just let me know! I am on FB if you have it and on CafeMom. My FB link is on my page. Take care girl. Let me know if you want someone to just listen to you!!