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I'm not exactly sure what I should do about John and I...I've been thinking about calling off my marriage to John, not leaving him I mean just not marrying him. Sometimes I feel like he just can't give me the kind of family life I need to be happy. Part of him is great, and loyal, a real family oriented man. But another part of him still wants to party, and run around with his friends. Now don't get me wrong I understand fully that EVERY person in the entire world needs space and friend time and so on. And I wouldn't mind in the least if John could just learn how to balance out the two. Just like that story I told you about a few entries back where John lied to me, telling me that he was taking a friend out to get some medicine when they were actually going out to buy alcohol. He'll agree to have a family day with me, but if a friend gets online and says "hey lets go party" then our family day is over immediately. He doesn't have it in him to tell his friends "no I promised Anna we'd have a family day" he'd rather hurt me by telling me that OUR plans are over, and if I try to tell him that he's hurt my feelings or that I'm angry his reply is always 'you always have your feelings hurt' or 'you're always mad about something Anna.' I just don't know if I'm willing to enter into a marriage where I get no respect. I'm NOT mad enough to leave him, I still love him deeply and I still believe that he has a lot of potential to eventually be the family man I need. I just think he's not at the point where he's ready to give up his 'bachelor side.' Another thing he says that frustrates me so bad is that he supposedly lies to me all the time because he's afraid that if he tells me the truth that I'll get angry with him. It doesn't matter how many times I try to explain to him that I'm twice as angry when he lies to me as I would be if he'd just tell me the truth from the beginning. In so many ways he is so mature and so grown up and in others he is just a child stuck in an adults body. And like I said before in the entry about his alcohol lie, I understand that he was never given the chance to be a child when he lived with his dad. I also understand that after years and years of living in what could quite literally have been considered a prison like atmosphere that he wants to make the most of his freedom. That is fine, and I have told him time after time that if he feels like he still has more free life to live that I would quietly get out of his way, and that I would still be here when and if he ever decided that he was ready for the family life I need. I've also explained to him that if the free life is what he needs he needs to tell me, instead of stringing me along and hurting me every step of the way. But every time I try to talk to him about something like that he either gets very mad at me or he assures me that I'm what he wants more than anything in the world. Then there are the lies that he considers "little" I've tried to explain to him that in a relationship there is NO SUCH THING as a little lie. EVERY lie no matter how small and irrelevant plants seeds of doubt and suspicion, which means no trust and without trust in a relationship you might as well say farewell to the relationship. For example his latest lie came to light yesterday, I had put back his $36 dollar probation fee in the cars console so we could take it to the office this week and make the payment. Well yesterday I went to move it for a second and realized there was no longer $36 dollars there but $20!! When I confronted him about how we were supposed to come up with his probation money his explanation was that he spent it thinking of "the family" because he spent it on things like drinks for us and so on....things I thought he'd be getting change out of the piggy bank to buy. Not only did he not understand that I was angry because I would rather him "think of the family" by making sure that his probation got paid so he wouldn't end up in jail, missing out on his families life but he also started screaming at me that I was selfish and that I should just trust him. TRUST HIM? Yeah he said I should just trust him to come up with his own money for his probation...how in the hell am I supposed to trust him to come up with his own probation money when we already had the money for it and he spent it on CRAP that we didn't even need?! The bad part is that he literally DOES NOT GET IT, he truly believes that his feeble arguments not only make sense but that he's in the right!! So what do you guys think? Should I call off the marriage until he grows up a little or considering the fact that I am NOT going to leave him should I go ahead and marry him for our children's sake and hope that everything will eventually pan out? And I do ask this favor please only answer these questions if you have serious advice and can understand that I am not leaving him...if you are just wanting to abuse him or make snide comments please just keep your comments to yourself. This is a serious matter and I am in enough pain without having to deal with drama on line too! Thanks so much Caio and Blessed Be!
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