Should definitely be in bed

regret not being asleep

For some odd reason I absolutely LOVE typing, when I'm typing I feel like I'm actually accomplishing something. Even when I'm just typing bullshit like right now, or even simply IMing with friends..it just makes me feel good about myself! I wish desperately that I could find a job typing up paper work or something, or even better I'd LOVE to be able to write a column for a newspaper. I just can't see going to school for journalism to make a $9 an hour paycheck typing some inane pre-determined column. I would do much better if I could have a column in which the subject matter were my choice, but down in this little hick ass town there is no way I could ever get that far up the totem pole. And John refuses to move to any big cities, which I can't really say I blame him....we are small town people. We enjoy the smell of cut grass and cow pastures, instead of smog and car exhaust. We thrive off of the sound of crickets and the wind in the trees instead of car horns and unexplained shrieks. Long story short we just aren't made for city life, therefore I am doomed to typing purely for fun instead of actually being able to make a living by it!

Anyway, like my entry title says I desperately need to be in bed! If I don't go to sleep soon I'll probably end up falling asleep at my machine again like I do sometimes...but oh well. I just can't face going to bed right now, I guess partially because I know the sooner I go to bed the sooner I'll have to get up to go back to work. I don't quite understand why but I really really hate that place. It's not like the work is terribly overtaxing or that anyone gives me much trouble. Besides the occasional times my supervisor wants to get ill with me. But I still find myself dreading the prospect of facing that place day in and day out. I mean I sit there for almost 9 hours a day sewing the same lines over and over again. All the girls around me speak mainly Spanish so I can't even join in their conversations to keep my mind occupied. So I find myself sitting there worrying over bills and family issues all day...wondering what my little girl is up to or what John is doing. Don't misunderstand me I trust John...it's not like I'm worried that he's cheating on me or neglecting Isabel or anything...I just miss my family. I feel like I'm missing out on all the important things going on here at home. I don't want to end up missing Isabel's first steps or her first full sentence...you know that kind of thing. Yes I realize I'm simply on a pity party for myself right now but oh well.

Not only all that but my mom isn't doing so well right now. You see my mom is mentally handicapped...she has something called Scitzoaffective disorder. It's sort of like schizophrenia only much worse and when she has an attack she is always in grave danger of harming or even killing herself. She has made amazing progress on it over the years, in fact I can't remember the last time she tried to commit suicide was but the fear is always in the back of my mind. She has to keep a service dog with her, he's a German Shepard named Little Joe. He can sense when an attack is about to hit her, he can even bring her, her medications and summon help if need be..he's an awesome dog....but after 22 years of taking care of my mom I still feel like I should be by her side 24/7!

Then there's my dad, the child molesting piece of shit that he is. He only lives a few minutes up the way from us, and I always worry that he'll get a wild hair up his ass and decide to try and come visit with Isabel or something. I know that John would never let anything happen to her, but I would really rather my father just stay the hell away from us period!!! Just a week ago or so he went off his rocker....see his dog Bama got off his chain because he was starving. Well when he wouldn't come back to my dad, my dad (who's a felon) goes and gets his gun and decides to shoot the dog. So he goes running through the neighborhood, kids outside and all, shooting at this poor animal and actually hits the dog three times...once in three different legs. Needless to say the neighbors called the police and daddy was carted off to jail..BUT the cop who came to pick daddy up happened to be a good friend of his and so not only did the gun get hidden but daddy got to keep the dog! My mom and I tried for hours to get the dog some kind of help..we tried the ASPCA the police department you name it. But Alabama has barely any animal cruelty laws whatsoever..NO ASPCA chapter and then to top it all off daddy's cop friend got wind of what we were trying to do and banned us from daddy's property telling us that if we so much as took the dog food or a blanket that we would be put in jail for trespassing!! The dog lived, thankfully the bullet wounds were only flesh wounds and the dog is healing but still being in my daddy's care I don't know how lucky the dog really is to be alive. Daddy bonded out of jail the very next day and is back at home. I tried desperately to get him to give me the dog, hoping maybe I could nurse the poor thing back to health but instead daddy went out and put a padlock on the dogs chain to ensure that there was no way ANYONE could get the dog without him knowing about it! The man gets away with EVERYTHING, he is absolutely unstoppable and I just don't know what to do anymore!....Well it's after midnight, I have to get up to get ready for work in about five hours and I'm starting to nod off at the keyboard so I guess I'd better go! I'll probably moan some more tomorrow after work if I get the chance to get on. I've been letting momma use my computer to pass the time but lately that seems to mean that I don't get to touch it! I'm outtie..Blessed Be and Caio!