Physically.
The biggest fear of mine, that kept me from ever wanting children, was the natural childbirth part of it.
Learning that I would have to have a c-section made me feel better and was an ease of mind.
After having the c-section, however, I wished that I could have a natural childbirth.
It didn't take me long to heal up, and get off the pain meds (about a week. Week and a half.) but the pain after the surgery was so horrible.
I couldn't laugh or cough without getting a burning feeling on my left side (which I was told was normal), and it about sent me to the floor.
I personally feel that this is a reason why some guys can get 2 weeks off from work.
Because if I decided to keep Niklas, and if the birthfather had to go to work, I would have to have my mom come and help me until he got home because I wouldn't feel comfortable holding him and walking around to get things.
At least not while I was having those pains.
It was those pains that scared me enough to not want to go out and get pregnant for a very long time.
Emotionally.
I'm not doing so good emotionally, to be honest.
I am so confident about my decision, and the way I feel doesn't have anything to do with the adoption, or taking him back.
I would be devestated with myself if I got the adoptive parents involved with the whole adoption process, had them at the hospital, sent Niklas home with them, knew that their family all met Niklas, and seeing that they held up their end of the deal... to take him back for selfish reasons.
But I'm lonely, I guess.
I don't have any friends, and at first when I started telling people that I was indeed pregnant, and that I was giving Niklas up for adoption, everyone was happy for me and I actually had a girl from work who was very interested in my pregnancy, and texted me every single day asking how I was doing.
She asked if she could feel him kick, and asked me a ton of questions about what it was like being pregnant.
And I thought that she was a legit friend.
But I had Niklas, and my phone is silent.
I feel like I was used for my pregnancy.
And it messed with my mind.
Why would someone pretend to care? And how come she stopped texting me when I need someone to talk to the most right now?
Was it just a "cool thing" to learn about and to see happen and don't people realize that I am a person; and that I have feelings?
Who would pretend to be my friend at this point in my life?
I am so angry with myself.
I had unprotected sex at 24 years old, got pregnant, didn't know I was pregnant because I was ignorant and couldn't feel the beginning movements of Niklas, and couldn't provide for him as I should have been able to at 24 years old so I had to put the responsibility on someone else, and get to sit back and reap in all the rewards of pictures and updates while they are stuck with the hardest job of all - parenting him.
I'm so estatic that I was able to give them a beautiful baby boy, and help them finish their family.
But I wish that I was mature enough, and had a big time, high paying job to where I could provide for him the way that he is supposed to be provided for.
With that inkling in my mind, I remind myself of what my dad told me.
They wanted a baby, but couldn't because she had health problems and had to have a hysterectomy.
They can't go to the store with all the money in the world and buy a baby.
They had to wait for someone to step foward and say "I want you to have/raise my baby."
I just wish that someone would ask me to go out for the night, or to hang out so at least I know that I have someone to turn too who lives here.
I know I have friends online, but it's not the same.
All the times when I needed a friend to invite me out for coffee to talk, or to invite me over and no one is willing to do that.
Because to them, the excitement of this whole thing is gone. And I think they forgot about how I might feel after.
I feel like I've crashed and burned.
Updates.
I love the updates and pictures!
I do get pictures of him with both the adoptive father and the adoptive mother; but I don't post them on here because of privacy.
It makes me so happy to see that both parents are so involved with him, and both love him so much.
I'm kind of anxious about going to court and signing over my rights to the adoptive parents; because then everything is permanent and I've never been a fan of permanent things.
But even if I don't get anymore updates and pictures, I'll know that he is with a family that loves him.
Thanks for visiting.
Quiet Rain |
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Just because you had the baby doesnt make you any less a human who has a normal life to get back to. *hugs* again!!
People get like that sadly. It sucks. 
