The hospital time, leaving without him and the latest update email.

I went to my doctor appointment with the possibility of having the c-section that day.
After the 4 days of bed rest, I was ready and prepared.
He felt like he had dropped, and was feeling very heavy. It was getting hard for me to get out of bed and walk.

My mom came with me, as she usually does to my appointments, and my dad and brother were on call in case if I did have the c-section.

Once I got the thumbs up that I was definitly having the c-section at 3:30 that afternoon, my mom made the phone call to my dad and brother.
I got on my cell phone and called my adoption counselor to let her know that I was going in at 3:30pm, and then called up the adoptive mother.

She answered the phone, and I said "It's Sarah. You can be excited; I'm having the c-section today at 3:30!"
She started screaming, and said that she would be right there as soon as she could.

I knew I was actually having some pains all that morning, but they were pains that I had been having for the last 2 months of my pregnancy.
That Monday, I had actually been having contractions that were 2 minutes apart.
I had just thought it was stress, because whenever I felt them it was when I was stressed and I thought it was him scrunching up.
Instead of the contractions being down below, they were up by my rib, and it would actually push up my upper stomach, and make my skin very tight and knock the wind out of me.

The adoptive mother came up to my room, and was just beaming.
She hadn't even changed out of her work uniform.

My dad and brother showed up, and the adoptive mother (who had met both my parents before the appointment) had the chance to meet my brother.
It is always a little entertaining to see people around my brother, because he is 6 foot 4, and everyone looks so short around him.

By the time 3:00 rolled around, I was starting to feel scared and anxious.
The adoptive mother and father were in the room, including my brother, dad and mom. I get social anxiety, and it seemed like a lot of people in a small room, and so my dad and brother stepped out and actually ended up going home.
They were going to be back after I had the baby.

At 4:00, my nurse came and handed my mom her scrubs.
I had decided on having my mom in the delivery room with me, just in case if I freaked out.
The anesesia-ologist came to my room, and walked me through every step they were going to take in the delivery room before they had me change into a gown.

4:30 pm they walked me down to the delivery room, and had me sit on the table to get my spinal done.
It took 5 tries, because there was a small curve in my back, and the numbing wasn't taking at all.
I got a bit scared, and started crying a little bit, and the nurse was amazing. She calmed me down and comforted me, and I knew when the numbing took to my body, because my legs went dead fast.

They put up the curtain, and my mom came in through the door.
She sat down by me, and the doctors started doing the surgery.<>br>
The anethesia-ologist was by my head also, and ever so often, he would peek over the curtain and let me and my mom know what was happening.
I couldn't believe how thorough he was with telling me beforehand on what everything is going to feel like, and what exactly was going to happen. Everything that he described was exactly like how he said it was going to be.
When he let me know that they had made the incision, I started getting excited.

And then there was his first cry.

It was amazing. He only cried for a few seconds, and then stopped.
I can't even think of the words to describe it. It left me about speechless.
I looked up when I heard him cry, and I saw a little hand come over the curtain.
"Say hello!" my doctor said, and as quickly as it appeared, his little hand disappeared behind the curtain again.

My mom stood up and got a really good picture of him before he got cleaned up, and I saw them bring him over to the holding table.
He wasn't as messy as what I thought he was going to be.
I also couldn't believe how huge he was. I said to my mom as I was laying there that I couldn't believe he was inside of me.
It looked like he couldn't possibly fit inside of my stomach area.

The surgery itself was less painful and went smoother than the actual recovery that is happening right now, lol.

I was wheeled back to my room, and my mom was out of her scrubs, and the adoptive parents were there.

I wanted the adoptive parents to be with him while I was getting finished up in the delivery room.
I didn't want him to be "alone". I at least wanted one of them to be standing with him.

They wheeled him in, and when the adoptive mother saw him, she burst out in tears and sobbed.
She hugged my mom, who was standing next to her, and turned around and embraced her husband.
I had it in my hospital plan that I wanted the adoptive parents to have their own room, and for the baby to stay with them.
The adoptive parents didn't have to pay for the room, the hospital let them stay there for free until our discharge which I thought was very nice.

The adoptive parents were amazing with him.

When the adoptive dad first arrived at the hospital before the delivery, he came in carrying a book and a cup of coffee.
He had stopped and picked up What to Expect in the First Year, and for the whole three day stay, both him and the adoptive mother read the book, and would quote information from it.
My parents spent a lot of time with the baby also.
I can honestly say that I hadn't ever expected my dad or brother to be so attentive and comforting towards the baby, much less any baby.
They were never really the kind of guys to coo over a baby, or want to pick it up (the same as I am/was.) They mostly would just lean in, peek at the baby and then back off.
But they both held him, and my dad took a facination to him.
He said that it has to be the hardest desicion to make, to give away complete perfection.

I've seen my brother be comforting and caring before, but I don't think I've ever seen him around a baby.

My mom helped to put Niklas (the baby) in his arms, and my brother looked down at him, and walked over by the window.
I was sitting in the hospital bed, and my mom didn't follow him to the window. She let him have his time.

My brother stood there, and sat down on the couch with Niklas, and had a few pictures taken before standing again, and giving Niklas back to my mom.
And then he started crying really hard.

He said that he was just so cute, and that it was so sad that I had to give him away.
He stopped crying after a bit, and looked at me and said with a weary smile "Have another one so I can take it."

I had Niklas stay with the adoptive parents, and I stayed 5 rooms down by myself.
The first night though, I had my mom spend the night because I was still immobile.
Needless to say, we didn't get a lot of sleep.

The nurses were in my room every 2 hours to take vitals and to give me my pain medication.
I wanted to cry just about the fact that I wasn't allowed to sleep.
As the days went on, I was left alone more often. The nurses just came in to give me my medications.

I don't know why someone would say they didn't want the adoptive parents to be at the hospital with the baby if they had the choice.
The adoptive parents learned everything that a new mother would learn while they were there, and they also got a chance to be with him and had a chance to bond with him.
I also got a chance to see them interact with him. It made me feel comforted to see how loving they were to him.

The adoptive mother was a natural with him.
And they both worked as a team.
When the adoptive mother lifted Niklas off of the blanket during his bath, the adoptive father was quick to take away the wet blanket, and provide a clean,dry blanket for him to lay on.

The adoptive father also has a tender touch with Niklas.
When he holds him, he would gently touch Niklas's hair, and run his hand over his hair and gently pat him when he was trying to burp him.
The nurse had to keep telling him that he needed to pat him harder, or else the burp wouldn't come out.

I was sitting in my hospital bed the day after the c-section, and I was wondering how they all were doing.
I heard a knock on my door, looked up and the adoptive mother came in with a huge grin on her face.
She said "I just had to come by and see how you were doing!" and handed me a vase with a bouquet in it.

She said that the adoptive father had picked out and bought me the bouquet, and had bought her the same exact one.

My parents arrived to the hospital, and went and brought Niklas back to my hospital room.
I held him, and he ended up blowing me and my dad a raspberry.

I was feeling pretty good. I hadn't cried very much the whole three days I was there, and I thought that I was being pretty strong.

But when I went to put him in the crib cart for the last time, my eyes started tearing up, and I turned around, and completely broke down.
My mom came over to me and hugged me and was crying also, and my dad was behind me and he was crying.
Even my adoption counselor was crying.

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life.
But it was the best thing I could do for him.

I gathered up my things, sat down in the blasted wheelchair, and my parents wheeled him behind me.

We went to the adoptive parent's room, and I stood up to say goodbye to the adoptive parents.

As I stood up, I could see that the adoptive mom had already been crying, and when I faced her, she started crying, which made me start to cry.
She reached over and hugged me, and thanked me for everything.
After hugging her, I went over and gave the adoptive father a hug.
He had started tearing up also, and said that when the adoptive mother cries, it makes him cry.
I could have had us walk out all together, but I thought it would be easier for everyone if either I or them left first.
And I'm glad I did it that way. The day after, I popped up the pictures that were taken at the hospital of him, and ended up crying.
I guess it was too soon to look at them.

After that, it was a lot easier to look at the pictures.

I am going to be getting an update every 2 weeks for the first year, which I know some people think is a lot.
If you think that's a lot of updates, and I'm asking for too much, please don't leave me a comment saying that.
I had asked the adoptive mom what she thought, and it was fine with her. She said she didn't have any problem with sending me a picture and/or email every two weeks.
She just wasn't kosher with the idea of visitations, which was fine with me since I didn't want any visitations.

I went to the flower shop with my mom yesterday also, and I saw a woman who had a baby slung to her front.
I have no idea why, but I had to put on my sunglasses because my eyes started to tear up.
I seriously thought I was going to start crying right there in the greenhouse.
I'm not sure how I will do with grocery stores, since that seems to be the breeding grounds for mommies and their babies.

I also am at a funk on how to tell future guys and people about the adoption, and the fact that I had a baby but don't have him anymore.
I don't know how guys would take it.
I know the guys at work were amazing with the news, but I also have known them for a year and a half...

This is the email update I received, along with pictures she took at the hospital.

Hi,
I hope you are doing well. I emailed you both a link to the online photo site I've set up... let me now if that link doesn't work.

Niklas is doing well, but he has his nights and days mixed up, which I've been told is normal. [the adoptive father] and I are taking splitting the night up right now. We are almost done painting his room and are waiting for the floor to come in. Last night he was introduced to his grandparents and I don't think any of them wanted to leave! He has also met [the adoptive father]'s Aunt and Uncle (this is the Aunt who will be watching him while I am at work on Wednesdays). Today he met [the adoptive father]'s Grandparents, and my boss (who has 4 girls) and they think he is absolutely adorable and perfect. Actually everyone who has seen him thinks so, and we have to agree :) Our cat Baxter still isn't too sure about him, but hasn't shown any ill behavior towards him either... well, last night he seemed to be on watch duty, which was cute.

If there are any specific pictures you would like to see, please let me know and I will do my best to provide them. I couldn't load the little video clip online, it wouldn't let me. If you want a copy of that (or any other pictures from the hospital), please let me know and I can get it to [the adoptive counselor] to give to you Sarah. I didn't want to load too many pictures on here at once.

Well, take care and let me know if you can't see the album.

Next, I'll be posting some pictures.
Everyone that has asked to be put on my friend's list to view the entry has been added.