broken endings. [story.] | 08/17/2012 |
(These are my words. Not yours. Respect that.)
She wanted to welcome him back into her life. To run into his open arms, bury herself in his chest, confess all her darkest secrets. She wanted him to be the first person she'd call (or text) when something amazing was happening in her life or to whisper her worries and woes to. She wanted to trust blindly and completely. She wanted to believe in the idea that someone would always be in her corner, rooting for her, and who would also be there to pick her up if she were to ever fall down. She wanted to continue to brave enough to wear her heart on her sleeve.
Only she couldn't. Not anymore.
She didn't trust easily. Trust was earned. It was something sacred. And something that was often tossed aside when it got in the way. On more occasions than any one person should be allowed to remember, her trust was tested and betrayed. It was used as ammo to cause her pain and doubt. It was something that had been so broken and twisted inside of her, that trusting someone was a foreign idea. It was worlds away from her. It locked inside a chest and she had lost the key. Until he walked in and earned her trust time and time again. He was the balance that kept her steady. The raft that kept her afloat. She confided in him in a way she had never confided in someone before. And because of that trust, she was never embarrassed to be honest. She never hid anything from him. If he asked a question, he got an honest answer.
It was easy. It was simple. It was too good to be true.
She never believed herself worthy of anything. She was convinced she wasn't good enough, and that she never would be. She was certain that no one would ever value her, and that everyone only tolerated her for one reason or another. He changed that. He'd listen to her explain her reasons why she wasn't good enough or how she was a failure. He'd listen to her tears as she cried about how she'll never be loved. He'd listen, and she was done, he'd tell her all the reasons why she was wrong. All the reasons why she could take on the world and point out all the people who loved her. He made her see that she hadn't failed, not once, she was succeeding at exactly the rate she was supposed to succeed. And even though she didn't believe him, some part of he clung to his words and found solace in them. She even let herself be convinced of some of the things he had said.
Until he was the one making her doubt herself. Her worth. Her value. And if she'd ever be loved.
So when he offered her his hand, she didn't take it. When he talked like he missed her, like he needed her back in his life, she didn't believe it. When he said he'd never left, that she was the one who pushed him away, she laughed - a laugh of sadness, a laugh of relief.
Before when he would make her feel like she could take on the world, make her feel like she was something important, make her feel like she was something to be cherished, she now felt simply empty. Everything was broken, and the pieces would never be able to be put back together the way they once were. The place in her heart where he was been was now a hole that would remain forever empty. Nothing and no one (not even him) would ever be able to fill it. They were an idea whose light had burned out.
He used to be a light in her darkness. Now he was the darkness. Their friendship was now cloaked in pain and sorrow and disappointment.
And even though she felt empty and hollow, she knew walking away was the best option. Even though it tore her apart. Even though it broke her heart into a million pieces. Walking away was the best option. The only option.
She missed the days when he'd still her heart and take her breath away.
"Marry me?" He asked again, down on one knee, staring up into her blue eyes with his endless green ones.
She closed her hands around the box he held out to her, and pulled him to his feet. "No," she whispered, shaking her head. "No," she repeated louder. "We're broken. Having you in my life hurts me more than it makes me happy. We'll never be what we were, and I can't settle for anything less." Her eyes watered, tears spilled down her face, "we both deserve better." She walked away then. She never looked back, and the broken pieces of her heart followed behind her.
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