cause it wanders by like something that could have been. | 05/25/2015 |
It's just a hat.
It wasn't a gift. It wasn't passed down to me.
It's just a hat.
It's just a hat.
A hat that - under different circumstances, in a different life - would've been bought in the presence of a brother that's not longer present. We probably would've even bought matching ones. We would've sat next to each other cheering for a college neither of us attended, but our brother from a different mother had. We would've drank hot chocolate spiked with Bailey's. We would've sat in a crowd that beat a record. I would've given him my coat because he wouldn't've dressed properly and he would've given me his boots because one of mine had a hole in it. We would've complained about how cold we were the entire game and we would've continued to complain the entire drive home. We would've reminisced about the time I lost my Pogs during a Jr. Red Wings game. We would've talked about 1001 trips we made to Toronto for hockey tournaments. I would've been able to tell him I was proud of him and loved him. I would've been able to witness that crooked grin and his one dimple through the falling snow. I would've been able to go to a hockey game with my hockey player brother.
In a different life, under different circumstances, that hat would've meant a lot more.
In this life, under these circumstances, it was the idea of all those things.
Or maybe it's not. Maybe I just think it is because I can't stop thinking about the brother I miss every second of every single day. Maybe I can't stop thinking about the late night texts about him missing me. Or the times he was such an asshole that I couldn't be 100% sure he liked me, let alone loved me.
I remember when he ran away and when we found him, he looked right at me and told me he only wanted me to find him. I remember when he went downtown for the fireworks one year and I didn't go and when he asked me why, I told him I wasn't invited and he reminded me that I'm his sister and I'm always invited. I remember getting into my car accident and not being able to calm down until I heard his voice. I remember not feeling like half of my heart was missing.
It's just a hat.
Just a hat.
Shannon
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