my only hopes to see you. | 06/11/2009 |
Currently: [Tick Tock:] 215pm
[Ends In Y:] Thursday
[Munching:] Nothing
[Slurping:] Nothing
[Not Naked:] Kiss Me shirt & MSU jogging pants
[Air Pollution:] Never Shout Never: Your Biggest Fan
[Chit-Chatting:] Erina
Scream Me A Love Song. Look at it differently. Don't see it as you always see it. Admit what you know to be true. That's what I hear over and over again with this whole Manzo thing. Here's the thing... I try to look at it differently, but I can't. All I ever come up with is him being him and me being me. And the few times I thought I could see it differently, I got scared and ran away from that. Who wants to put their heart on the line in a way that could result in heartache? No one and sure as hell not me. So, where does that leave me? In a mess I'm totally afraid of and one I'm afraid to lose. I wish I knew what to do. Yes, I know talking about it would help... Maybe even clear some stuff up, but what am I supposed to say? Do I tell him that I have a really hard time figuring this out because the only thing I can think is how I feel like I betrayed Shane in some way by sleeping with his friend? Do I tell him how I don't know what I'm supposed to think about this whole thing? Is it a booty call? If so, wouldn't it make more sense for him to pass the time with some other chick, as opposed to a girl connected to a family who loves him as one of their own? Or do I tell him how the thought that this whole thing could result in us not speaking makes my heart hurt? That I've already done the thing where we don't speak and I like it better when we do? That just like I couldn't imagine my life without Denzel, I don't want to imagine my without him in it. I love him in a way I've never loved anyone else. I wouldn't call it romantic or sisterly... It's just in a way that's always been reserved specifically for him. Now do you see why I hate this so much? I'm certain he ponders none of this. I'm certain I'm just him passing time. So, what do I do?
Shannon
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