my heart is filled so full of doubt. | 04/24/2009 |
Currently: [Tick Tock:] 1215am
[Ends In Y:] Friday
[Munching:] Nothing
[Slurping:] Mt. Dew
[Not Naked:] A Rocket to the Moon shirt & blue A&E jogging pants
[Air Pollution:] Never Shout Never: Big City Dreams
[Chit-Chatting:] Away Message Says... It would be better if you were here or I was there. At least I wouldn't feel so alone.
Scream Me A Love Song. Dear Shane,
I know I talk to you a lot... Mostly when I'm confused or doubtful... In some way hoping you can give me advice or tell me you believe in me. I remember when I couldn't do that. When the idea of talking to you, without really talking to you, scared me. I wrote you a lot of letters then. Full of doubt and questions and hopes and dreams. I might not have been able to talk with you, but I was able to write to you. Now, I never do. I haven't written you a letter in ages. I decided to change that tonight. I can't promise my letter will be exciting or contain anything interesting, but I felt like writing to you, so I am.
School's going okay. It's stressing me out right now, but that's mostly because I waited until the last minute to start my research paper. It's like I won't have it finished by Thursday, which sucks because I won't be able to revise it. It's my own fault though. I like to procrastinate. I'm keeping my fingers crossed though that I'll be able to work magic tomorrow. You should too... If you're allowed to believe in magic up there.
Life's pretty good right now. I think a lot of it has to do with Manzo forgiving me and coming back into my life. I know it was totally my fault he ever left in the first place, but I'm just glad he's back. If I were him, I don't think I would've been so forgiving. He didn't ask me to place him on such a high pedestal. He was fine where he was, but I had to pick him up and move him higher, just do when he fell, he fell far. I realize now that he doesn't have to be perfect for me to love him. He just has to be him and that's enough. Maybe I had to grow up a bit to realize that. Maybe I had to surround myself with people who hardly matter, just so I could realize who really does matter. Whatever the reason was, I'm sure you had a hand in it. So thanks for that. Mom and Pops seem to be doing pretty okay. It's probably because they're on their way to 25 years of marriage and they haven't killed each other. I think they realized that they're going to be stuck with each other for the rest of their lives, so there's no reason to fight it anymore. Or at least it seems that way right now. It is Mom and Pops though, that can all change in the blink of an eye. Summer's another story. She doesn't seem to care about anything much anymore. I feel like she's finally old enough to deal with losing you and she doesn't know how to ask for help. Well, maybe not that she doesn't know how to ask for help... She just doesn't want to have to ask for help. Is there anyway you could possibly let her know it's okay to ask for help, if she needs it? That she has people who are here for her whenever she needs them? I don't really know how you'd do something like, but it doesn't hurt to ask.
I miss you, kid. Every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. I want to hug you and kick you all at the same time. I mostly just wish you were still here. I really hate that you're not. I love you.
Your big sis,
Shannon
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