off in the night, while you live it up, i'm off to sleep. | 07/01/2009 |
Currently: [Tick Tock:] 1235am
[Ends In Y:] Wednesday
[Munching:] Nothing
[Slurping:] Nothing
[Not Naked:] Flameheads shirt & yoga pants
[Air Pollution:] Nothing
[Chit-Chatting:] Breezee D
Scream Me A Love Song. Not a single person has a negative outlook on the mess I'm in. Everyone has hope and faith that everything will turn out good in the end. I wish I had that hope. I wish I could think about this whole thing and see something positive at the end of the tunnel...But, I don't. All I can see is this constant ache in my heart. I try not to think about it. I try to just let it fade away into the back of my thoughts, but that never lasts long. Some stupid thing will bring this mess back to the front of all my thoughts. Then I'm left wishing that I had a magical wand and could make everything right again. Make everything go back to the way it used to be. Where I could just be happy knowing he was back in my life. Where just thinking about his return to keep me smiling for hours. But, I can't. You can't erase what's already happened. You can't make it go away. It's always going to be there. And since I can't erase it... I tried to fix. I've tried to fix it 1001 times...But, it's still messed up. No matter what I try to go, nothing seems to fix anything. It just continues to be exactly as it was before...A huge mess that hurts my heart and leaves tears in my eyes.
The other thing that bothers me...Is that I've told people about what's going on. Which I did because I wanted advice, but at the same time I regret it. I have this weird belief that if you talk about something too much, it kills the potential for anything good to come out of the situation. I know that sounds silly, but it's something I feel to be accurate. I don't know how to change it either. People know and I can't make them forget they know. And whenever I decide that I'm no longer going to talk about it with anyone, someone asks about it. I know I could say nothing, but that's hard to do when you're as bad a liar as I am. I guess I'm just going to have to try harder. As much as I like the advice of others, I hate people knowing my business.
I want optimism. I want my heart to be happy again. I just want him to admit that he loves me too.
*sigh*
Shannon
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