sometimes perfection can be perfect hell. | 12/15/2009 |
Currently: [Tick Tock:] 1140am
[Ends In Y:] Tuesday
[Munching:] Nothing
[Slurping:] Nothing
[Not Naked:] The Starting Line shirt & AERO jogging pants
[Air Pollution:] The Starting Line: Bedroom Talk
[Chit-Chatting:] Away Message Says... Sometimes perfection can be perfect Hell.
Scream Me A Love Song. How do I put my ego, my stubbornness aside to fix something that's broken? All I have to do is call him or text him and tell him I want to see him, and I could see him. I could tell him that I hate that we haven't spoken for close to 6 months. I could tell him I love him. But, instead of doing that... I sit here and have the idea of contacting him, frustrate me. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I was the one you caved. That I was the only who contacted him. That he wasn't the one who contacted me. I try, but I can't get over that. My ego, my stubbornness continues to stand in my way. This could be everything, it could be nothing. I owe it to myself to find out, but I can't convince myself to find out. Some may say it's fear. That I'm afraid he'll look at me and tell me that he doesn't love me. That he hadn't spoken to me in so many months, because he didn't want to. That would make sense. Fearing that the boy you love, doesn't love you. Only, that's not it. That's not what scares me. I'm not afraid that he'll tell me he doesn't love me. I'm afraid he'll tell me that he does love me.
To make everything more confusing, there's the other boy. The one who keeps creeping into my thoughts. The one that I hate having feelings for. The one that I'll never be able to figure out, as long as I have the first mess to deal with.
And what if I make the wrong decision? What if I handle the right situation wrong and the wrong situation right? How'd this happen? I liked my life uncomplicated. When the same stuff happened, everyday. I don't like these twists and turns that could be nothing or could be everything.
=/
Shannon
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