I can't stop listening to that song! Ugh. It's so ridiculous, as well!
I was out for a friend's birthday last night, and I'm feeling a bit wobbly this morning. (I know - what happened to 'drinking less'?)
It was good fun, actually. I had a couple of weird moments - I sometimes get these moments when I pull back and feel like I'm watching everything from behind a screen, like I'm not really there, I'm just a spectator. It's not a bad feeling, exactly - quite often, I get that feeling and I start to smile, I start to think 'look at these happy young people' and try to take a mental picture to keep forever. Last night, though, I suppose I was thinking about how much is going to change over the next few years - and how much I hope that these people won't change. I hope they're a permanant feature.
It obviosuly wasn't the time to bring anything up. Still, I'd rather tell people very early on, because that way they'll have a lot of time to get used to the idea before anything actually starts happening. I mean, they already know about the crossdressing, they already know... well, I mean to say, they have met me! But I've never put a label on it. They may have assumed, but I've never come out and explicitly said I'm transgendered - never mind that I'll be doing anything about it. I think - I hope - it's going to be ok with these few people. James, for sure. I know James is going to be ok. But in a way, that's even more terrifying - because if he's NOT ok, it will shatter my expectations and really throw me. But I shouldn't worry. I know.
It started to snow pretty heavily last night, and we had to leave early to make sure we got home at all - it was pretty horrible, the taxi kept sort of... sliding from side to side, worrying!! Richey got out with me, and I was thinking... shit. Shitshitshit, don't you dare just assume you're getting lucky, because I have TOLD you. I could feel myself tensing up, arms crossing over my chest, looking at the snow under the pretense of watching my footing. He asked me if I was ok, and I shrugged, all avoidant and crappy. We got to my door, he went for a hug, which I responded to reluctantly. A kiss on the cheek, and 'nos da, cariad'. Oh. Oh! There he was. There's the man I've been mourning for so long. And he left, with a wave - had he taken my little rant of the other night seriously, then?
I hope so. of course, it'll take more than one isolated incident of tenderness for me to just trust and forgive and forget, but... oh. I felt warm despite the snow.
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