FAR too much info.

02/08/2010

Omfg.
HAHA.


I really should go to bed, since I have work soon.


But something very wonderful happened.

Chris gave me an orgasm.


Now, maybe that sounds normal to most people, but... well, he's the first.

Sound unbelievable? Well, it's just... imagine the thing you HATE most about your body. And imagine that everytime you had sex, it had to be involved, and not only that, it was given the most attention, maybe even talked about... I don't know if it makes sense. I've always felt like my cock is a birth defect, a disfigurement almost... I've always been fine with giving others pleasure, but... I never wanted them to... as stupid as I know it's going to sound, I never trusted them. Like... as much as I knew it was normal, and these were gay men, who certainly were expecting it, it's like my mind thinks their reaction will naturally be the same as mine, and they'll be repulsed. I know, stupid. But... then, I don't actually want them to like it.

I don't know what was different tonight. Maybe because he knows how I feel about it, and didn't draw attention to it... gentle and silent as if he hadn't even noticed I wasn't a real girl (yet). I'm surprised I didn't burst into tears. But thank god I didn't.

I also had a therapy session today, and I got my bloodwork done for one of the health tests - and hormone level testing. She said... that sometimes you find it's that there's a low testoterone level, and the feelings of dysphoria can be fixed by leveling it out. I... it was crazy, I don't know if it was the needles, or what she was saying, but all of a sudden I was burning up, feeling queasy, and had to lie down for fifteen minutes. "No, no, no, even if it is low, I don't want any more fucking testosterone!" I was nearly crying at the thought of it. More hair, fuck. No. No. No. She held my hand, fanning me to try and stop me blacking out. It was only afterwards I started thinking it may have been the reaction she was looking for. Absolute repulsion at the thought of masculinising any further. My chosen path is clearly the right one, all others make me want to... die, frighteningly enough.

Scary. Maybe I should have started with that and ended on the orgasm note, but I couldn't keep it in any longer (HA, no innuendo intended!) I'm stupidly happy. I think Chris & I are going to be just spot on together.


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