Growing self-confidence. | 03/24/2010 |
Oohh
Yesterday, I plucked up a load of courage, and went to the transgender support group that my counsellor recommended for me. I'm really glad I did - before I went, I was feeling proper miserable. One of those days where nothing seems to go your way, and everything makes you want to scream and hit things. But I made myself go, road-raged all the way, gritting my teeth as I walked in the room... and things started to melt away.
I didn't say anything this time - introduced myself, of course, but they don't force anything - it's fine to just listen and get a feel for things. It was interesting - the topic was 'habits' - things you do without thinking. We all have gender habits, things that are second nature to us because of the gender we've been raised, societys gender expectations, our own expectations - and one thing about becoming passable as your new gender is that you have to replace old habits with new ones. So, people were talking about habits they often slipped back to, new habits they'd gained, ways to make things second nature - the way a woman gets ready in the morning is different from a male routine - even things like that way you sit, the gestures you make... at first it'll be forced and feel odd, but how it can become habit... it's like re-learning everything.
In some ways, i feel that I'm not at 'that stage' yet, but at the same time - the sooner I put things into practice, the sooner they will become habit. It's difficult - because I'm not quite comfortable - I haven't informed my work yet, so I'm learning habits, and dressing differently, and acting differently in my own time, but have to push it all away again to go to work... and it's a mind-fuck, I'll admit. I need to come out to them. Why do I have to live and work in such a small-minded town? I know I need to get out.
Chris lives pretty much in the gay village. He comes from an equally shit place, even further into the valleys that I am - he says that going back to visit his parents gives him proper panic attacks as he reaches the station - that if he had to move back there, he'd want to die.
I'm falling slightly more in love everyday. I don't understand how he had just accepted me. And I'm so grateful, and really as much as I initially thought 'oh no, this is an awful time to get into anything serious!' I think I was wrong. This is the perfect time. If it works out... he already knows. He will have known me - been through everything with me - come to terms with the changes gradually. Afterwards, that's when it will be hard. Because where do you even begin? The gay men won't be interested anymore, and the straight men will run a mile when they find out. And if I advertise it upfront, I'll just attract a bunch of fetishists! This is ideal.
Not that I'd just stay with Chris because I'm scared no one else will have me - I have more self-confidence than that. I'd rather be alone forever than in a loveless relationship, or be with someone I was unhappy with. Trust me, if it doesn't work out, I'll deal with it. But I really hope it does, because I've never felt more secure with a man, so loved and in love, so safe and content, so happy and passionate. And my god, how have I survived so long without this orgasmic sex life?! How does he do this to me? (I think it's called... trust.)
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I just wanted to say hi and that I've been reading a few entries of your diary and that you sound like a lovely person.