learn to love what's good for you. | 01/27/2010 |
Oohh
Remember the nice friend of a friend? Chris? He's lovely.
A bit too lovely. He wears waistcoats, make teddy bears at the bear factory, gets drunk on two lagers, and makes me laugh. Apparently, according to two reliable sources, he likes me.
I met him and a load of friends yesterday for dinner and a movie. He's as random and spontaneous as I am, which is something I love in a person. "Let's go to the theatre!" "When?" "Now! Look, there's people going in right now!" And I would have gone, if it hadn't been for the fact everyone else was staring at us like we were absolute fools, and I didn't want to... cause a stir? "We should do karaoke some time!" "Let's go to this random club!" "Oh, do you like stand-up comedy?!" A million things suggested in the space of dinner, some I wonder if he'd ever actually deliver on, and yet somehow I believe he would. "I think meeting you could be slightly dangerous for both of us," he said, a look of absolute glee in his eyes.
We went to the cinema. We, I mean, six of us. We were tispy from drinking with dinner, he was scared of elevators so I ran up the stairs with him. "We need coke! And popcorn!" he dragged me over, buying a large of each to share without so much as asking. And oddly, I realised... I don't think I've ever done that with anyone. I don't think it could ever have felt anything but awkward with someone I'd JUST met. But it felt normal, I was laughing, putting the wrong size lid on the drink and spilling it all over my hands. "Don't waste the coke!" he laughed, popcorn flying everywhere. Since we'd taken the stairs, we couldn't see anyone else when we went into the screen, and sat on our own until we noticed people waving at us. "Oh my god, I can't believe we have to move the movie is starting, go go ninja style!"
"Next time we go to the cinema - and there will be a next time, I've already decided - we're not drinking beforehand - I'm dying for a piss and it's only ten minutes in!"
"You have a cute laugh."
What am I doing? I shouldn't overthink it, because I have a horrible habit of sabotaging anything that might make me happy before I've even began. What about Richey, part of me asks. Another part says... he's not good for you, he never will be, Chris is nice and kind and funny and secure in his pansexuality. I like him. That's all it is. It feels like maybe it's a terrible time in my life to be even trying to make anything of it - but then again.... maybe it's about this time that I really do need someone who's.... stable? I don't even know Chris well enough to know if he's stable.
I think I'm going to have to.... not worry about what it means, whether it's good for me, and just... go with what feels natural.
But oh god - Richey. A million people have told me, 'it's not your responsibility'. I know that's true, but... I can't help but feel terrible about it. He's not... what I need. Am I a total bitch? I don't know. But I don't think I'm any worse than he can be. No, I'm not. I'm not. He treats me like absolute shit, and I let a few rare moments of tenderness... make me forget.
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Wow, I want a guy like Chris. Go for him, that dude, named Chris. He's awesome sounding! 
random: I don't think you're a total bitch... If you are feeling that he isn't what you need, perhaps you should reconsider your choice in being with him...
