lots of late night thinking.

11/24/2010

Chris ad I found a flat today

It's in a nice, quiet part of town, but within walking distance from a town centre, and train links to the city in like 5 mins. Easy to drive home/to work/doctor etc.

We went to put a holding fee on the place, and it was the biggest headache of a form everrr. We need like 2 references each (employer and landlord) and I don't have a landlord cos I live with my parents, and chris lives with a friend who owns the place, so not a landlord exactly. And I didn't know my NI number, or bank account number.. argh. Tomorrow is gonna be a day of finding info to take to them. (By the way, already discovering the awkwardness of having male ID, can't imagine waiting 2 years, cos I mean... it'l get less obvious with time, and if you're trying to live s a female, it's kinda off-putting. Only a tiny bit weird in a professional setting like that, but I mean, getting ID-ed going into clubs is the worst.)

ANYWAY, it will be worth it in the end don't see a reason we wouldn't get the place, both employed, no bad credit, no probs, right?Fingers crossed, cos we really love this place.

(Sorry if my typing is a bit odd, usng Chris's laptop, and the keys are kinda sticking. Not that he's been wanking on the keyboard or anything, just old.)

He's alseep. Fell asleep stupid early and I'm too wide awake to sleep. I'd missed him this week, and it showed - got amazing sex out of him, twice - I was dead pleased cos he seemed to reaaally enjoy it, and you know, it stops me worrying about my changing appearance. I guess it's actually pretty exciting for a pansexual, having it all in one!! Convenient, even!

I don't know, something I keep thinking about right now is surgery. I know I want proper breasts. That's easy, that's a no brainer, but I'm gonna be smart and wait and see what HRT does to me - some people get lucky and just sprout a pair! In the meantime, deceptive underwear Adam's apple? I don't think it's particularly obvious, but I might change my mind. I guess loads of people go nuts and go for like hip implants, and face..cutting...shit.. I dunno. I think people get too paranoid about 'passing' I've never been to worried about that. Fuck everyone else, this is for ME, for my own wellbeing and happiness, not to.... fool anyone, as such! And when my passport and driing license say female, it's not like anyone can argue.

More seriously... when people think of transexuals, I'm sure the first thing they think about is genitalia. Am I going to go the whole way? Apparently medical advances have come so far even a gyno wouldn't be able to tell anything was wrong down there! holy cow! At first... yeah, I was like... change everthing! CUT! FIX ME!! But... after having a lot of information... I'm not sure. I'm definitely getting my balls choppd off (crude? I don't care.) because that means I won't produce any more testosterone and so won't have to take so many meds, and obviously... less hair growth among other things. Voice etc. But... ok, this is gonna be gross, don't say I didn't warn you before reading on....

SRS is basiclly making a hole where there's not meant to be one. And you knw from piercings, the body tries to close up holes. And so, like keeping a piercing open, apparently.... you have to use like... basically increasing sizes of dildoes.. and just hang out with a fucking dildo in you for like an hour or something a couple of times a day to keep it open until everything heals up! Now... I don't know if I'm prepared forthat level of madness!! (Chris is like, 'heh, I've got something to keep it open with!' oh boy, that was too far even for you, urrgghhh!!)

So yeah. I dunno about that. I'm thinking... he's the only person who's ever going to see that partof me anyway. Does it matter?

It's a while off yet.One thing at a time. I think I'll just know what's right for me as time goes on. I mean, it might not be for me at this stage in my life, but I might decide like at 40 that I've changed my mind and want to take things further. that's ok. it's not now or never! it's just... not now.

(In the UK, I can still be legally female pre-op, so it doesn't change anything.)