Taking a positive approach. Or, trying to.

01/15/2010

I don't even know what to write. I know that I want to, but I give up. I'm an absolute rollercoaster of emotions right now.

I'm so scared of everything.

I keep putting myself down.

When I went back to the counsellor, she said "you look a bit stressed. Are you feeling stressed?" And I am, already, which isn't a great sign. She told me to try and not let things freak me out, and remember things will only go as fast as I want them to.

I'm scared of what the rest of my family will think.

I'm scared of losing friends.

I'm scared of losing my job. I'm scared of keeping my job. I'm scared because I have to have a job.

So why am I doing this? Who the fuck would put themselves through this? Don't anyone dare tell me that this is a choice. Who the fuck would choose this? What I'm most scared of... is being in this body forever. What I'm most scared of... is that if that had to happen, I'd probably kill myself. The biggest miracle of all is that I've survived this long. I sometimes look back at puberty and can't believe I made it out the other side alive.

I starved myself, because I heard that anorexia prevented the onset of puberty. The reason my parents are actually happy about this decision, is that they know what it was like to be on suicide watch, and they'd rather I changed than did that. So if anyone dares to criticize them for being happy about this.... just think of that. Would you rather your child dead or a different sex? It's a no brainer. or it should be. I've been alarmed by the amount of people who seem to think I should be sectioned - I'm not insane - insanity can't be cured by plastic surgery. The amount of people who think I'm possessed by satan and going to burn and hell disturb me even more - at least I can reason with people who think it's insanity, by explaining it, showing them the facts, helping them understand - but there's just no talking to some people. And usually I can brush it off, but there's always the one that stings a little too much. If you think that god doesn't make mistakes - you're likely right about that, but the thing is... you think that means I was meant to be male, but no - all that means is that he intended me to be transgendered. I don't know why. "Life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards."

I think... that I'm going to have to have a talk with my HR department about what I'm going to do. Of course there's no need to say anything right away, but... I think that the more notice I give them, the more time they'll have to deal with it, figure something out... and you know, i work with some right assholes, some right homophobic assholes, but I guess I'm just going to have to toughen up and toughen up fast.

And I need to stop beating myself up and calling myself names. I'll likely get enough of that from other people - I need to be on my own side. I always thought it sounded corny as hell, but I should start saying nice things to myself. Not cheesy, just... "Well done!" "You've made progress!" "Hang in there!" rather than "you stupid twat!"

Hang in there. You're doing just fine. You can do this. Don't be scared.