Your happiness is just a chemical. | 02/03/2010 |
*Giggles*
heeeeheheheheehehehheheheheheeeee!!!!!!!
Ooh my GOD. I'm disturbing myself.
I'm far too happy, I'm never this happy!
OK, first off - my gender clinic appointment went fantastically well - I really held it together, I think all the sessions with the community counsellor had really prepared me to be able to say what I wanted to say without crumbling under scrutiny. It's all pretty... complicated, actually. But she said not to get too caught up in all the formalities, because it's a process that has to be done so by the books that things can seem a little crazy unless I can just stay calm and go with the flow, and be prepared to repeat myself a million times - but it's fine, I understand why, I mean... jesus, imagine you got the diagnosis wrong? Imagine if it turned out to be a mistake? Fuuuucccckkkk! So, the jist of it is that I do meet the critera, of course, and so... I have to go to at least three months worth of... assessment? I mean to say, the diagnosis can't be official until I've clocked a certain amount of time with therapists/psychiatrists etc. Which is great! She also encouraged me to try and go along to a support group, which I think could be really good since... like I say, I don't exactly come from a very diverse town, I've a lot of people who support me, but no one who's going through the same thing. yeah. I think it could be good for me.
OK. So. Chris. Wow. I don't know what to say. I'm a litte freaked out - I feel like I'm falling really hard for him and it's ridiculous, I only met him a fortnight ago! What the hell?
Look, I'm usually the person who HATES relationships.
I'm normally feeling sick with regret by this point, wondering how long I can put up with someone before I dump them. Wondering how long it takes to feel anything for someone. I'm usually going "He wants to see me twice in one week?! What a clingy freak!" But now I'm... I'm... everything I've always scoffed at!
My heart jumps with happiness when I see I have a message from him. I read it, grin like a loon, reply instantly - gone are the days when I would say "Oh, it's that fucking 'boyfriend' again, for fuck's sake, why is he always texting, the loser!"
Honestly. I was starting to think that I was an absolute freak for never having had that feeling of excitement about someone.
Is it because I'm finally doing something about being transgendered? Is it because he knows I'll be transitioning, and wants to be with me anyway? Maybe. Maybe I needed to... help myself... start to love myself... feel comfortable with myself... before I was capable of feeling anything for another human being?
It's too much too soon, but I'm trying not to think, and just let myself dive into the deep end. I have the usual fears - what if I fall hard and he doesn't follow? What if I end up heartbroken? And then I say NO - you can't keep putting up these walls out of fear of rejection - enjoy the feeling while you have it. Maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't - but I do believe now that I deserve to have these butterflies that I've been denied all my life.
And if anyone wants to begrudge me that happiness they were obviously never a true friend to begin with.
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I think this is normal fearathat you are experiencing. Everyone that gets caught up in relationship and feelings will be questioning and feeling that way. It's called vunerability because you are letting someone in. Even though I am not ready for a relationship right now, it's all about the leaping and taking the chance on something. Because if we don't we'll always wonder "what if....."