No, I'm not in a negative mood, I just found an app on Facebook that gives you daily 'Advice from Dr House'. With House being my soulmate and all (lol) I felt I needed to share with you his words of wisdom for today, haha
As for how I'm actually feeling... A bit nostalgic, I suppose. Not in an 'I miss the way things used to be' sort of way, but in an 'I cant believe how things actually are right now' sort of way. It seems like every day I'm afraid to fall asleep because I keep thinking that this is all some cruel hallucination brought on by one of my drunken binges, and I'll wake up and it'll all be gone. I'll startle myself awake in my old apartment, still trapped in the endless circle-jerk that was my old life. I'll be just about stunned into silence, but I'll grab for my phone anyway, making a desperate panic-call to 'Bob'. I'll say "Baby, what the fuck is going on? Where are you? I miss you" and he'll say "Umm... 'Emily', are you feeling okay? Are you on some kind of new medication?" and then he'll get off the phone with me to go to dinner with his wife. Yes, I've played this all out in my head numerous times. This is where the scene cuts, and my body is later found hanging in the closet.
I would not survive The Twilight Zone.
My whole life right now seems surreal. Don't get me wrong- My last relationship wasnt a bad one. My ex was not abusive or anything. In fact, he was wonderful. The 'perfect' boyfriend. He was always caring and supportive... Would do literally anything it took, including sacrificing his own needs/wants, to give me anything I wanted. Do you know what it's like to fall out of love with someone like that? For a while, I didnt even think it was possible. But I somehow defied all logic and made that happen.
It's not like breaking up with someone who did something wrong by you. When someone does wrong by you, you can make yourself hate them. Even if it's just long enough to make them go away. But when you're leaving a good relationship with a good person, all you end up doing is hating yourself. If I didnt have (what I feel is) such a strong grasp on reality, and sense of inner peace, I'm fairly certain I would have fallen apart. But even with that being the case, there wasn't a single moment, especially towrd the end, that I didnt second guess myself. Not a single moment that I didnt think, 'Maybe I'm not as strong as I originally thought', or questioned my own sanity.
I still question my sanity. Partially because I used to think I was the only sane person on the planet, and now I realize that the exaxt opposite may be true. But that beggs the question- What's so great about being sane anyway? Why should I strive to be sane, when there is so much more happiness in the unpredictable unknown? I'll take the basket-weaving lifestyle anyday, thank you.
Sometimes I have long, staring contests with the vacant universe. Sometimes it lets me win. Sometimes I lose interest in what I'm saying, stop mid-sentence, and walk away. Sometimes I see the world around me, or maybe just specific details in it, in such a way that I know no one else would understand. I see things that I know no one else can see, and sometimes it frightens me. I zone out sometimes in places I frequent, and when I come back around, I dont recognize anything. Not just the set up, but the actual items around me that I see every day. They are all unfamiliar. That is the worst scenario of all, because that usually leads to panic on my part.
The only tie I have to this thing you call 'reality' is Bob. He keeps me 'sane'. He makes me happy. I feel his gentle touch, and that triggers flashbacks to places I dont want to be, but when I open my eyes I know it's him, and that he is really real. He's really here with me. Sometimes I have to touch him to be sure, and he doesn't understand, but I need to. I need him.
I hate that he doubts himself. I hate that he puts himself down, and will never be able to see himself the way I see him. I wish he could. I wish to God the whole world could see its self through my eyes, even just for a moment, but most importantly, I wish that he could. I wish he could see how important he is to me. How interesting I think he is, and how truly honored I am to have him by my side. I truly wish he could feel that, or see himself the same way I do.
I'd try to explain it, but he'd just think I'm crazy. |
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