warning: ramblings of a lost girl

never in my life have i been in a place like this. never in my life could i have imagined myself to be in a place like this. it's so beautiful and poetic. and it's scary and ^{fucked up}. perfectly imperfect. like standing alone under a washed out moon on a december night, jeans soaked in the salt water of the pacific ocean. oil rigs that look like war ships in the distance. ((god i need that moment so badly..)) staring into the face of: infinity, nihilism, beauty; 

a tangled up paradox.

this tangle of feelings, emotions, searching for reality... this has condemned me to writing prose while longing for poetry. cutting does nothing to touch this; i've lost hope in that for the moment ((and please.. i know it's not socially acceptable)).
i sat with k, drinking tequila and talking about life and how fucked up it is, realizing i wasn't the only one who feels this lost. i've become so accustomed to putting up a front.. pretending i'm put together. and so has everyone else.

i sat with k realizing that i've never really had a _bestfriend before. i've had great friends.. but never this. never someone to whom i can spill my secrets, off of whom i can bounce my ideas [stupid or mediocre or smart], someone who makes me want to be better than i am. she gave me the best advice i've ever been given at 3am... the best advice i've been given in my entire life, for that matter. she told me i need to live for me. she told me i need to do whatever it is that fulfills me. whatever really fulfills me. intellectually. in my academic career. as a philosopher. but mostly, as a person. she told me i need to explore every avenue necessary to find that place. to find that situation. that person. that job. those students. whatever it may be.

fucking beautiful.

it seems so obvious, doesn't it? but it's never occurred to me before. it's scary as hell, but it's something i have to do for me. a journey i have to take for myself. and my friends, they'll always be there behind me. because that's the kind of people they are. god, i fucking love them.

so now i have to say
i've ^neverbeen more terrified::

he's moving across the country for me even though i told him that i didn't think it was a good idea. my flight leaves in less than 12 hours. and we're driving back together. i'm terrified. i'm not ready. i love him. but i haven't been able to be attracted to guys since the rape situation last year. i haven't been able to see them in that light. i don't know that i will ever be able to do that again. ((and please, don't be sympathetic. it's really okay.)) i find myself pulled toward women now. it scares me and yet makes me happy at the same time. one more path i've discovered. one more element of myself surfaced. i told him this.

but he just keeps loving me.

i have no idea what i'll be doing in six months. i graduate from college in may. i applied to philosophy grad programs. i hope i get into at least one of them. i hope it works out. i could be in california or texas or michigan or tennessee or pennsylvania or chicago or . . . .  that is fucking terrifying. (( i know, it's also an adventure. but right now it doesn't feel like it)).

i don't know which path to choose
what choice to make
how to find what i need
what i want
how to make this better
how to untangle the knot
how to shake the cold from my bones. . .

i don't fucking know.

 

but i'm going to try to listen to k:
i'm going to try to do things for me.
i'm going to try to head into this ocean
with my eyes wide open.
and i'm going to try to be happy.

^{it's worth a try,}_right?