This is so fucked. I don't want to lose my recovery support worker. I really need to eat properly but I don't know how. I just don't know how. Every time I gain, I lose it again, and then I maintain the low weight or get badly sick again and work on losing more. The low weight seems healthy to me and the higher weight makes me feel disgusting and obese. When I get bigger I obsess over how to lose it. My mind is constantly at war with itself. I can never just decide on what to do. It's always, should I or shouldn't I? But my recovery support worker said that I have to work hard at recovering, otherwise they can't help me. They can only support me if I'm willing to actually do the hard work. The alternative is getting really sick and going to hospital, or just like, starving to death. I know I'm nowhere near that anymore but I'm going backwards and I could easily fall into that downward spiral and then within months I'll be there again. I think I have control and that I won't get that bad again but the nasty thing about this disease is that it tricks you into believing you're in control when you're not. So I can't trust myself to make that call. If my support worker/case worker thingy is saying this is a red flag, then I guess I should trust him over myself, because I lie to myself all the time. I can;t shrug it off because I don't "feel as sick as I used to". How would I know? I didn't know it back then. It was only in hindsight that I realised how sick I was. If I were to get that sick again, I wouldn't know it. And it took so much work to get to where i am now, I don't kjnow if I could do it again. So I really need to work on eating and like. stuff. But I don't know how. I mean, technically I know. But I don't know how to put that food in my mouth. I just can't, sometimes. It's just so much easier to skip another meal. So much fucking easier. It;s so hard and I'm so exhausted and unmotivated and distracted and upset. SOmetimes I feel literally paralyzed. Like, I have all the will power in the world, but I can't move, I can't do it. I don't know why. I don't understand it. It's just paralyzing. I guess it's fear.
Eat. Eat. Eat. There's no point pretending that it's not a problem anymore. It's still a problem. I'm not better. The problem hasn't been fixed. I was making huge progress. The progress slowed down. The progress stopped. Ignoring that doesn't mean it's not true. I can't pretend that I'm still committed to recovery when I'm not even making any effort to eat properly. I need to do better than this. But I can't. I'm weak. It's easier not to. I'm a coward. I want to be strong. I was so proud of myself when I started getting better. Did I feel stronger? I can't remember. I want to be strong. I'm so tired. I need a nap. I think I'm sad but I don't know. It's easier to just be emotionless. It's easier to ignore it. To switch off. I'm tired. I don't trust myself. What if I get over it and forget how bad I feel. I hate forgetting everything. I can't trust my memory. I casn't trust my thoughts at all. I wish I wasn't so stubborn. I'm going to nap now because I hate myself and I don't wnt to think. |
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