I'm in love with something real.

02/27/2010

Um. i'm going to try to explain what is happening to me right now. It's not really a feeling, and it's definitely not numbness or emptiness... It's a fullness, and I really hate to describe it this way because it's almost a cliche among the fet community now, but I'm floating. Like. I don't know why I'm trying to use words right now because it's kind of... like... only the most simplest of words are coming to me. I feel so, so much at peace right now, and so complete, so right, so okay, just goddamn I feel happy. That's huge. For me to feel actual, real, raw happiness, is pretty fucking significant for me.

I almost feel sorry for anybody who isn't a submissive because you won't know this feeling (do dominants get an equivalent to this feeling or is it unique to "sub space"*?).

*NB: "sub space" is so easy to just accept as a tangible thing, like an orgasm I suppose, but the term in its simplicity does not adequately describe what I'm talking about, so bare with me. This isn't just about our D/s relationship but about being absolutely whole and complete within it.

To go back to your Master after feeling so lost and confused for days... god... I just want to cry from relief! Thank GOD, thank god I'm here again. It was so strange not being here and feeling so, so wrong, and like everything I knew never existed, but it did, it did exist. It had to happen, I had to find out about his "secret", and I'm glad I did because now I know this side of him that nobody else knows, and I see him as vulnerable now, I see him as human, whereas before he was like a superhuman, I was in awe of him, but now I feel closer than ever because I realise he has faults and that's ok.

I don't have to be afraid of losing him, to be afraid that he'll realise my faults are just goddamn too obtrusive to stand staying with me, because you know what? We are both human. We are both pretty fucking fucked up. He tried to explain that to me on our second or third date, when I tried to talk him out of dating me because I was too fucked up for him. He said, I'm fucked up too! And I just laughed and didn't believe him. He is fucked up, and I'm not saying I love the way that he is fucked up, I'm not saying it's ok for him to be like that. I'm not even saying I love him despite his fuck ups. I'm saying I love all of him and I wholly accept his mistakes and his faults and I feel like I can truly say I see him for what he is, now that I've seen him at his darkest. To come back from that and realise that I love him all the same, that I'll do what it takes to help us both through this because he is worth it... That's powerful. We face a huge battle together but I no longer feel indebted, it's not one-sided, I don't have to feel insecure anymore because we are both crutches holding each other up and without one the other will fall, either way.

He has accepted my faults without question, now I must accept his, and we can get through this. He is healing me and I can heal him. We're going to be ok as long as we are truthful to ourselves and each other and trust each other. I judged him when he was at his worst, but it's ok, I see all of him now, I see him whole. We'll scrub the dirt away from each other and be clean and complete. It will be ok because, my god, I realise that he needs me just as much as I need him. He needs me.

He said, "I didn't know what I was capable of back then, but I do now."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"I know I'm not that person."

He is toasting cheese and tomato on bread for me. He almost cried when I told him I'd been keeping up with clinic every day while I was gone. I felt embarrassed for him for a moment, like, "god, you're going to cry over that?" But then I realised how much relief he must feel just to have me here and how scared he must have been when I was gone. To use his words, he was in a constant state of despair while I was gone. He's so clearly overwhelmed and grateful and he cannot keep his hands off me. First he had loving, gentle embraces for me, then he clung to me with need and warmth and then, oh god, the strength in his desire, the roughness in his hands. He pushed and shoved me in such loving desperation, his forceful grip on every body part sure to leave my skin bruised for days, and I cannot wait to see this visual evidence of his love for me.

I needed that. I needed him to smack me, to use me, to abuse me utterly. I needed to be that thing for him again. I need that so, so bad. It feels as if my soul has been handed back to me on a golden platter. I need to feel, physically, his presence; "love not given lightly"; the space he occupies not just within me, but beside me, all around me; love so intense it hurts.

We've spoken so much these last three days and we have exhausted our words. We are no longer speaking. He is quiet, and I am silent. We look at each other as if just transmitting some kind of message of "there is nothing left to say because I love you and I have you and I'm yours and you're mine and this is perfect, nothing could make this better. There's nothing more to ask you, nothing more to tell you, because I know you and you know me and you and I are like yin and yang."