Today I had my first day of treatment for anorexia an out-patient at [a secret place]. It was kind of cool, I suppose. Welll, cool to be starting my "road to recovery". It was a relief to be in a controlled environment and to not have to put on an act or be scared of freaking anyone out. I'm worried because tomorrow I'm meeting with an ADHD specialist and I assume that the first thing that will happen is they'll want to take me off my ADHD medication, because it suppresses my appetite. On one hand I'll go nuts because my ADHD symptoms will get really bad. On the other hand, my meds don't work anymore anyway, because my ED makes my ADHD symptoms worse, so it probably won't make a difference. Well... they hardly even suppress my appetite anymore either, as well as not really working to manage my ADHD symptoms, so... I dunno. Whatever. I'll just try to do whatever they tell me, I suppose.
Feeling kind of weird today. Just, tired, and in a "I give up, do what you want" kind of state of mind. Today at the clinic I felt kind of blank and removed from everything, kind of optimistic but really scared and trying my best to control my behaviour (I really wanted to punch some of these people, for no fucking reason, just because they were in front of me or something, I don't know).
When Luke picked me up (he drops me off and picks me up to make sure I actually *go*) and drove us home, I had a panic attack like, straight away. Which I did not anticipate. Although my anxiety was escalating the closer we got to our house in the car, I didn't realise that the house itself had anything to do with it, but as soon as we got in the door it was like, bang. I have no fucking idea why that happened. I told Luke I didn't want to go home yet (even though we were already there, stoopid wording all wrong) and started backing out and I expected him to be like, you idiot, we're already here, but outside the house the anxiety attack got a bit worse and Luke held my hand and asked if I wanted to drive for a bit longer. So we got back in the car and drove around and having the window down with the air coming in kind of helped me breathe again.
He keeps on surprising me with how understanding he's being and gentle and I'm just like, completely falling apart, but he's sort of being strong enough for both of us, I think, and still has faith that I can do this, even though I've been crying all evening. He's being really non-judgemental about everything and fuck it's just a relief to not have to worry about how he'll react to something because he is always calm and collected. Gaaahh. I wish I could be like that, lol. I freak out over every little thing. I used to be a laid back guy, really laid back, but these days the tiniest thing gets me all worked up and freaking out so that I just can't do anything anymore. |
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