Luke gets this evil kind of grin, a leer actually, when he is being his most sadistic towards me. If I didn't know how loving and caring he actually is, I would be very much frightened of him when his eyes widen and he looks at me like that.
Over the past week he's had trouble riding his orgasms to completion. We have sex on average five times a day, with either one of us initiating, and he has no trouble getting aroused and getting "close" to coming. But it never happens. If we are having a vanilla kind of sex at the time, he'll just give up after I've come, but if we are having a D/s scene it will last for hours and I've been having orgasm after fucking orgasm -- multiples without ejaculating for the first time ever! -- over and fucking over again. I have to say... this week... has been... fucking phenomenal.
Luke, since teenhood and throughout his sexual development, has felt detached and ... well, let's just say he has a few issues. They've been shut away and bottled up and effectively he's been turning a blind eye towards certain dark feelings but when they do rise up in him they are... quite troubling. I told him I want him to turn that innate sadism towards me. I want to feel his whole force. I have recognised time and time again that he always stops short of himself. There's more he could do to me. I think he's afraid of himself. He keeps on second-guessing whether or not I really do want what he does to me. I do. I know it's not normal to want him to fucking beat me to a pulp and slice me up and fracture my bones and fucking ruin me completely, but I do, I fucking do, I fucking want it and I'm not fucking scared of wanting that fucked up shit. I'm scared at the time, yeah, it's real fear he sees in my eyes. It's real pain I feel and it's real when I cry and scream and sweat and try with everything I have to escape him. But it takes one word to get him to stop, and if I don't say that word, I don't want it to stop. It saves me. It makes me feel real. I'm empty without it. His sadism is wholly equal to my masochism. I know he needs it, and I need it too.
I told him to stop denying himself. I give him permission to hurt me. I give him permission to do anything short of killing me. He can do it to me.
He said, I want to love you.
I said, so do it.
I fucking want to really hurt you.
Do it. Do it, do it all.
I don't think I can love you if I don't first hurt you...
I fucking want you to hurt me!
No, you don't. It's crazy.
I don't give a fuck! Fucking hit me! Come on!
Hit you...
Please, daddy, please hit me. It feels so good. It gets me so hot...
In response to that, he fucking growled, deep in his throat. He put his fingers through my hair, combing it off my face. Then he grabbed a fist full and fucking pulled me down so I fell to the ground. He laughed at me; I whimpered. He pulled me up to my feet, and stood me squarely in front of him, still keeping my head straight by my hair. Then he fucking hit me in the face, over and over again, slapped me on one cheek, back handed me on the other, and so forth, so many times I couldn't possibly count. I was trying to push him away from me at the same time as pulling him close to me but every time I even layed a finger on him he fucking beat my hands away. Finally he pulled my head down so I was bent forward and then fucking punched me in the gut twice, once with each fist, before pushing me back and back and back until I stepped and fell backwards onto the bed. He climbed over me, straddling me, holding my body still between his knees and sitting on my stomach. He looked at me in that way. I egged him on by nodding and forcing myself to laugh as my whole body fucking shuddered beneath him. Then he punched me square in the fucking face.
I came. In the most complete, powerful fucking orgasm. And yet we were both fully clothed and he had not even hinted at giving my stupid genitals any attention. I came so, so fucking hard. He pulled his dick out and masturbated while I continued to fucking roll with my orgasm. He should have come too, but he couldn't, even though he was fucking his fist so fucking violently. We agree he has some issues to work through... but we are both satiated nonetheless.
My nose is broken. And I'm happy and whole and so in love. |
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