there i was, spread-legged and naked, and he was pouring lube, coke and a $50 bottle of vodka all over my body. i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and hate myself for a moment. then he's pushing the neck of the vodka bottle up my ass and i've got insane giggles. when he pulls it out and replaces it with his dick the word "anorexia" pounds itself into my brain each and every time he slams himself against my thighs. i tell him choke me, quick, quick, please, choke, quick, pointing at my throat desperately, just so i can stop thinking. will it ever let me live my life. will i ever get any peace. it takes a lot to distract me from this bastard.
i wished my nose wasn't broken just so he could break it again.
I still think about my eating disorder sometimes. Especially when I am trying on clothes. I still think I'm fat when pants don't fit right or when I need a size up in shirts. In reality its because I am 5'11" not because I am "fat". Its so hard to get the thoughts out of your head. Even 7 years later I will catch a glimpse of myself at the wrong angle and think "god I'm disgusting".
Eating disorders, abuse, rape, ect., they all lend a tragic phenomena called Post traumatic stress syndrom to our lives.
Mike and I will be in the middle of it sometimes, and I'll have flash back to awful things. With my ex I used to do the same as you - beg for it to be harder to faster, make it hurt. something to drown out the thoughts. but as I've gone on, and I've found that sometimes you have to stop and take a breath - or you might mix up your partner and what you really resent in your mind.
I'm just saying that's my experience. obviously your own experience is yours. But there can be a fragile difference when you're mixing emotions and trauma and fucking. I'm sure you know your limit though
God, I hate that - when something so consuming and ugly won't even let you enjoy sex. Quite recently, I found myself yelling 'make me forget!' at him, but no matter how much he tried... it wouldn't leave. Horrible place, the human mind.
"God, I hate that - when something so consuming and ugly won't even let you enjoy sex. "
I feel that way with my boyfriend right now. I'm so angry and spiteful over so many things, and sex is starting to become a chore that I'm dreading. I hate myself for a lot of things too, at the moment, and it's sucking everything out of me.
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I still think about my eating disorder sometimes. Especially when I am trying on clothes. I still think I'm fat when pants don't fit right or when I need a size up in shirts. In reality its because I am 5'11" not because I am "fat". Its so hard to get the thoughts out of your head. Even 7 years later I will catch a glimpse of myself at the wrong angle and think "god I'm disgusting".
