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an empty frame.'s Diary
by an empty frame.

previous entry: for the perverts: humiliation and degredation

next entry: Be safe in here with me

I fucked up so, so bad.

04/08/2010

Tonight I gave my sub an ultimatum that will either make us or break us. It was basically, love me or I'll leave you. Because this hurts. I realised that he would not have sex with me, not because I won't let him, but because he wouldn't let himself. He's one of those rare flowers that wants to have sex only with someone that they love. Which means he separates his fetish life completely from his love life. Which means I'm not a part of his love life. Which means that as much as I own him, I don't have his heart. And he has mine. So I'm terribly hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, confused. I knew he didn't want a boyfriend, I knew he only wanted a Dom. But I held onto this false hope that I would become both. Even though a part of me knew... *sigh* It's in his hands now. I can't continue being his Dom knowing that he doesn't feel that for me. I fucked up when I fell for him. I couldn't exactly help it, I mean lets face it, he's adorable. But I... I thought love could exist for him in this. He seems to think... That one day he'll find a partner, fall in love, and his fetishes won't be an issue. ...I dont even care. It could be possible who am i to say its not? But i want him to love me, thats all. I cant dom him knowing that he doesnt want to.

previous entry: for the perverts: humiliation and degredation

next entry: Be safe in here with me

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I truly hope it works out best for you. I do.
<3

[Birrrdy|0 likes] [|reply]

Hope it works out.

[.Amber.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

He's a baby and he's ashamed.
He can't run from it, anymore than someone can really pull off trying to not be gay.
I don't know if that'll help you. I hope he decides to grow up. You've been through a lot. But also for him. He's got a passionate need, and he's setting himself up for a terribly painful life.

[a little one|0 likes] [|reply]

RYC: We started talking right when everything went to hell with your ED, and my last relationship went up in flames and I switched diaries when you were busy focusing on real things. (I wrote you really long notes about the ED stuff and what you could try to eat, and how you weren't stupid and stuff)
I tried to tell you, but I'm not sure it meant anything to you. *grin* But I kept my thoughts warm for you, and kept up on your writing when I could.
You scared me silly when you deleted/privatized everything! I thought I'd never get to talk to you again!
Oh no though... I'm going to actually have to remember to write now. *laugh* I've been upset because I was sick, and on vacation so very distracted myself, and absolutely terrible about keeping my poor three friends entertained.

[a little one|0 likes] [|reply]

well if he's the kind of guy that can't share, maybe that's a bit off putting for him that you already have luke. maybe he only wants one person to love him and no one else. i dunno, i'm just speculating.

he is young though. maybe he'll get over the whole having to be in love to have sex with someone thing.

[& skull.Star|0 likes] [|reply]

That's a hard ultimatum aaron. But I understand. You just have to prepare for it to go in a direction you don't want.

[//Gravida ;;*|0 likes] [|reply]

Wait wait wait. He's one of those crazy ones who separates sex from fetish. Well fuck me that is awful. If you love him and he doesn't love you, there isn't much point in continuing to see him, since you can't/don't separate the two. But you also can't force him to love you, because it will eventually break up in the future anyway. Sucks dude.

[sheela-na-gig|0 likes] [|reply]

previous entry: for the perverts: humiliation and degredation

next entry: Be safe in here with me

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