rambles about my late ex, my other ex and sex

love you hon xxx

You've had a lot of time to process it.
I'll tell you a dirty dirty secret. It *never* goes away. You will *always* have these moments. The difference is how long they last.
*considers* I think it's kinda toxic to consider these things suicide. He was a jerk because he was broken, too broken to be comfortable being or giving real love. He didn't kill himself. He died from complications due to depression and whatever else fractures he was carrying in his tortured soul.
The same way you nearly died from complications due to anorexia. Which is a kind of suicide if you think about it. And you know first hand how very little control you can have over what's going on.
(When I tried to kill myself, my suicide note read "What the hell is going on, and why can't I stop it?")

heh, i've never left a suicide note. i tend to leave places/people without giving thought to letting anyone know where i am or what i'm doing or when i'll be back. i'm notorious for that sort of thing. i don't know why. it just doesn't occur to me that people would notice i was gone. and i don't mean that in a self-depreciating way, i mean, it literally doesn't occur to me. it's like... time would stop while i was gone, lol. anyway, the point is, i've never left a suicide note. but if i die luke knows to update my online diaries (he already reads them and has my password for them). yeah, some readers actually requested that, i guess because i was close to death for a while there, although i have no idea how they knew, or why i let anyone know that.

I have a will with all my password info in it, because I know how terrifying the thought of people I love dropping off the face of the earth is to *me*. I built it shortly before I went in for my second surgery, as it was dangerous and I quite carefully put my business in order. I'm never that organized when I'm suicidal.
*quirk* I know people would miss me if I was gone. In my dysfunction, I tend to find that incredibly irritating and confining, and so also drop off the face of the earth often and without warning just to spite them. It's a different kind of bad, I suppose.
Unrelated: Did you email me? I just want to be sure it didn't get spam-filtered.

I am slightly confused about who the characters are in this entry.

xo heather

josh = deceased ex boyfriend from like... a few years ago, who died shortly after i broke up with him
giovanni = jeeves = my ex boyfriend, also my best friend, also joshua's best friend when he was alive, also my step-son's father. we were together several years, on and off.
gabriel = giovanni's son, my step son. his mother was pregnant with him when joshua died, and when giovanni and i first became a couple. he is now four years old.

the end of this is hilarious. I'm sorry about joshua though. Tragic - but I'm glad you and giovanni have each other to lean on.

that sucks that that last relationship didn't last. i'm sure he'll find someone eventually though. in the mean time you're being a great friend to him and gabriel.

josh was always dark. he wasn't good for you, but it was still sad he chose that way out. it's good you and geeves had each other though.

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Emotional anxiety seems to be enveloping the members of my social world like a storm cloud... of doom. I dreamed last night that charlie bought me a puppy? And then he hacked at it with a machete while reciting weird haikus? And I finally put it out of its misery with an axe.
Yeah. Disturbed.
Miss you though, since you're Mr. Popular now and all.
Josh sounds terrifying. I've never met anyone like that.

...he was terrifying, actually. He was an alcoholic and a poet with horribly foul teeth. I found it all very romantic, until after a year he started throwing chairs at me and such. In his suicide note he blamed me for him having to kill himself. I threw up after reading it (ever cried so hard youve thrown up in your mouth a bit? I did that, only a lot.) and thinking of it still gives me that wreching reflex. ....that asshole had to keep torturing me well after he was dead and gone. That's how much he needed me. It was so hard.

PS I miss you too.

RYC: Well, some of us don't do that good of a job managing,but hide it well. i'm like that. I think only my girlfriend picked up on it immediately.

Henry Jones