Otakon was amazing. It was my first time and I was really impressed by how large it was! So many cosplayers, so little time 
Anyway, I've pretty much decided to tel j2 that "there's someone else in the picture" (or whatever excuse I can come up with that sounds good... it just so happens this one is sorta true). I don't really have an interest in seeing him anymore.. So I should probably not lead him on or anything.
j1 is most likely coming over tonight. I mean I doubt we're gonna do "stuff" cause I'm on my period, and he's too hungover  I mean he's my bestie, so it would be nice just to talk for a while!!
I feel kinda dumb. I got him a "souvenir" at Otakon.. I was battling myself not to do it, cause I def don't want to treat him like he's my boyf, cause he's not. Though.. he's the only one I got something for.. well besides myself of course! I got him a Starfox mug. Cause he likes coffee and Starfox. God, I'm a loser. I SHOULD probably just save it for his birthday. I mean it's at the end of the month. I'm seriously gonna try to NOT give it to him today. Ugh, I really hope I don't develop something as dumb as "feelings" for him. That would seriously complicate things. Though.. here's what I'm thinking:
I obviously love the shit out of that kid. I mean I've known him since we were teenagers. The only difference now is that I'm totally physically attracted to him. And oh, we're having sex. That sounds like a pretty awesome deal. Though a few things have changed since I started actually being attracted to him. 1. I stopped doing gross stuff like talk about poop and all related things 2. I ALWAYS try to look my best before I see him.. No more non-makeup days. 3. (and I love him for this) I'm totally coming out of my "sexual shell" if you will; I'm waaaaay dirtier than I ever was, and I'm totally in love with this new side of myself Well it doesn't help that my ex of 9 years was a prude.
So here's the question I ask myself: what's the difference between love and "love"? I feel like I should know the answer, because I was completely in love with my ex. The difference now is that I'm ACTUALLY really and utterly sexually attracted to the person I'm sleeping with. I was never really all that sexually attracted to my ex. And I think about him only ALL THE TIME. It's nuts how obsessive I am. But I don't get angry with the thought of him having sex with other girls (well, only one girl in particular. Another one of his really good friends. Lovely girl, I mentioned her before. Her name is Shana) Like he can flirt with/have sex with whoever he wants, but I think I expect that, cause really, no one can tame that boy. He's a total alpha.
So that doesn't mean I love him right? I mean if he asked me to be his girlfriend right now, I'd most likely say no (however I would be COMPLETELY flattered and probably blush a shit ton). Why would I say no? Because I feel like it would change our dynamic. We don't "belong" to each other, and that means we don't have obligations to each other. I like the way we're laid back right now. It takes some of the stress out. In general, it gives me anxiety if I HAVE to do things (like tests, or interviews). I like knowing I'm in control, and that I have the option to always say no, or not do something, if I don't want to. However that doesn't mean I don't get butterflies whenever I'm about to see him...... I'm totally buggin' out right now with anticipation. I'm such a mess. TTYL |
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