672 I try and try and I just want to cry 11 30 2014

12/01/2014

672 I try and try and I just want to cry 11 30 2014

One of trainings I take annually and which I taught for a year is called NAPPI. Part of this NAPPI training is called “the ggreen scale” There are 3 parts of this green scale.
CARING COMMUNITY, HI QUALITY RELAXATION, PRODUCTIVITY

The more of these 3 things we have in our life, the more relaxed we are-the less stress we have in our life, our battery is charged.

Productivity: a job, a volunteer. Something that is productive. Maybe being a scout leader or something.
HIGH QUALITY RELAXATION: something we do that will recharge our battery. Watching sports, listening to music, playing with kids, reading a book, …
Caring Community: family, friends, coworkers, belonging to a club-group.

When I think about life in this perspective, I have very little of these things. Infact, I strive so hard for these things without a pot of gold. It’s just a endless road of broken hearts, dead end streets, and signs say “No drivers license, need not apply”

I don’t feel like I’m being productive at all.
I don’t feel like I have much of a caring community around me.
Yes, I have plenty of high quality relaxation but a lot of stress-broken heart around them for the most part.

I started writing an entry but deleted it. It was just about the history of both my education and employment and the struggles of trying to find fulltime employment despite having 3 college degrees. Those degrees are doing shit for me now. I was also going to write about the history of finding my soulmate and the struggles I’ve had but I wont bother.

I went out with my best friend John and his kids Friday night. It was not enjoyable. John was being sarcastic towards his kids and at other times, yelled at them. Although he’s great talking about his work and making fun of everyone, he’s not great at communication, more so, simple conversations. I know that I am not the best at it, but I was the one who during this dinner, had to keep asking questions. He asked me if I applied for any customer service jobs and we got into a bit of an argument over that. That was his only contribution to the conversation. He contributed but only when I asked him questions.
But he’s the only person I go out with that is not related to me. I did go out with my friend Zach late October and that was nice but other people don’t have time for me.

I make friends from time to time but I realize they are one-sided so I don’t call them and I wait for them to call only for them to not contact me. There was my college friend Jill. My coworker friend Megan and many more. I am a nice guy.

Tonight, here’s the reason I pushed myself to write this entry.

I am tired of my parents treating me like I am 5 years old and there is little I can do about it.

I went to go grab the leftover Chinese food from the fridge in the garage today. My dad said “HOLD ON HOLD ON!” and he ran ahead of me. I said “what?” He ran down to the garage and came back up saying “I had put some packages of toilet paper and it was blocking the friggerator. I didn’t want you to trip over it.”

WHAT! THE! FUCK!?

Really? Dad? You are worried I would trip over a pack of toilet paper? I wouldn’t be able to kick or touch it and move it on my own? I had to have my daddy run ahead of me to move something from my way? I am so sick and tired of it. I blew up at him in the early summer when we were out at dinner one night and he cut my steak up for me. I was pissed off. He was afrade that I could cut myself or something.

It is things like these that remind me of how much I appreciated my time with Dominique. She never questioned or even gave it a thought of what I could-couldn’t do or if I would break something, drop something or be able to take care of her little girl for a few hours.

I woke up a few days ago with some tight muscles behind my right shoulder that if I turn the wrong way, I grimmis in pain as the pain shoots up from my shoulder through the side of my neck. I have a heating pad on it and when I need, (which was only once so far) I had ALIEVE.

Last night my mom said I should go see a kyropractor. I was like…NO. Today my dad came to me and said that he doesn’t agree with me seeing a kyropractor but I should go see my doctor. I said no. Today at dinner, I grimmised and my mom said “what was that?” I said “it was nothing” She turned to my father and said “make a doctors appointment for him this week.” I said I’m not going to the doctors. My mom said “yes you are” in a belittling tone.

I hate that my parents treat me like this. I’m not a fan of doctors and there is nothing (that I know of) they will be able to tell me beyond what I do to help.

I want to be treated like an adult. I want to be respected.
I do not want to be treated like I’m 5 years old.

I wish I knew what I can do.

I don’t remember exactly what happened and don’t want to review it but I wrote something on FB and my uncle Joe (not my real uncle…) said something hurtfully sarcastic towards me. Others piled on. He told my mom and said (my cousin stood up for me) Gerry needs to lighten up. My mom said “some people don’t have a sense of humor” and I was sitting right there. I didn’t say anything but I didn’t appreciate my mom brushing his comment off. If it was her in my place, she would be pissed off and talk crap about that person. But that’s not me. I don’t talk crap. I am a nice person.

I hate that so many things remind me of INDIANA.
It still hurts when I think of her.

I dont understand this life.


I’m going to give a special shoutout to two people. One person who will never see this and one who will see this and comment…because she always does.

I have my BFF Lisa. She is amazing. I absolutely love her as a friend. No matter how much I complain to her, she never minds it. She reminds me that whenever she needs someone to talk to, and her husband wont do, she comes to me. She also said that she gets so happy for me for all the little things and when I do find a fulltime job and a special lady, she is going to be off the chart excited for me. She says I’m the smartest person she knows. I just roll my eyes at that. Then she reminds me how much I am there for her. She says that I have no idea how much she appreciates when she calls me to complain about her family. I have so many secrets of hers, she trust me to the max. She says when she is excited when her baby does something new and calls me, I listen. I am happy for her. It’s true. I know how much of a struggle it has been and I am happy for her every time her little one is able to say a new word or learns a new skill. She also complains about her husbands and other people to me. Unfortunately, I have learned to not like the word “love” when it comes from people who don’t actually mean it. …like all those on line friends. However, when I say it to Lisa and she says it to me, I feel loved. It makes me smile. I know where that love is coming from and I know it’s true friendship love.

The other shout out is to Olivia. She has also been a friendship rock for me. Yes she is an on line friend but she is special. She is understanding, caring, a great listener, reader of my entries and sometimes tells me things I don’t want to hear but unlike most people, she says it in a nice way. I try to not only be there for her when she needs a friend but I try to do more. When she promotes her little company on FB, I “like” it on my own. When she is down, I try to bring her up. She is an amazing woman and I am happy she is not only a friend but she’s a special friend to me and I hope that she feels that I give enough of my friendship to her to even come close to what she has given to me. I appreciate our friendship. I appreciate you.

I need more people like Lisa and Olivia in my life