673 phone call, work issues, research research

12/05/2014

673 phone call, work issues, research research 12 02-05 2014

I had made arrangements to chat with Karen again, the Indiana lady, on the phone for Tuesday. It was 2 weeks after I contacted her on her birthday, after over a year of not hearing from her and we had a 90 minute conversation then. This one was only an HR and 48 minutes…oh, wait, that’s 108 minutes 

I know that before I made this phone call, I should write things down that I want to talk about because if not, in the state of mind I know I would be in, I wouldn’t remember things I wanted to ask her or talk about. . (Everything I wrote here is just things I recalled we talked about. I wrote it not in any chronological order but rather, just what came to me as I was writing. and know I left things out, not on purpose though)

Pictures, Chanukah
Did you get the pictures of my nephews?
Did you not keep in contact with anyone? Or just me.

J: You know, if any of my friends knew I called you, I’d probably have a broken arm or they would kill me.
K: I know. I don’t blame them for feeling that way.

J: If I didn’t call you on your birthday, would you have ever contacted me?
K: (through tears) yes.

K: I don’t deserve you. I didn’t think you would want to talk to me, I know that is crazy but it didn’t seem crazy to me.
J: If I was anyone else, I would probably turn my back but I’m not anyone else. I am Jonathan.

K: You understand me. You get me. Others tell me to get over it or that it will go away. Even when I worked at the group home, I noticed that they understand issues but they didn’t really get it. I don’t know if that makes sense?
J: It’s not being able to put knowledge into practice.
K: Exactly! And you understand it. You get it.
J: Mmhhmm I do.
K: you listen to me. Even when I tell the same story 15 times, you still listen like it’s the first time hearing it.

J: I tried to forget you. You are connected to so much.
Monopoly: When I played the on line monopoly game, I refused to buy the Red properties. The first red is Keneticut and the next one is Indiana. I didn’t want to keep thinking of you.
J: Every time I had Matzo ball soup, I remember how you, a Catholic woman made this Jewish man Matzo ball soup.
. J: there were songs and even complete bands I could not listen to I have to change because it hurts too much to listen to. They reminded me of you and that hurt too much.
J: Whenever I was around Amanda’s dog or any little dog, I would get sad because it would remind me of Moagie.
J: I have written a lot of painful poetry with you in mind. I tried to use it as an outlet but it didn’t work.
J: when ever I visualized you, you know, because I know pretty much exactly what you look like, I saw this cold stare, as if you didn’t know who I was. Actually, that’s not true. If you didn’t know who I was, it wouldn’t be that cold stare. Even last year, when I was in court, you came to my mind when I was on the stand. In my head, I was looking for a mental hug or something but rather, you gave me that cold stare, turned and walked away.
J: You are one of I think 2 people who actually labeled pictures before sending them to me. That blew my mind you would do that for me. I remember when I got those pictures from you and I was surprised and you said to me “Why wouldn’t I? How else would you know what the pictures are of?” and that’s my point. You understand me. I don’t have to explain or ask, to you it’s just common sense.
K: because it is?
J: Well, I wish it was common sense to my own family and closest friends.

J: you know that joke you saw and wrote out to me last week?
K: yes, I had to, it reminded me of you. It was so funny.
J: do you know how many people would have written all that out? I will give you a hint, the number is less than one. You are the only one who would take the time to write all that out. Everyone else would bother telling me at all or would say “I’ll tell you later” or say “I saw a joke that reminded me of you.” But no one would take the time to write it out.
P.S> after I got off the phone, I saw that I was tagged on a cousin’s FB and she wrote that someone will have to read this to you Jonathan….I’m still waiting for someone to read it to me.

J: you know how I got a new computer last week?
K: mmmhhmm
J: well, I was transfering everything over from the old computer. That’s where I first went through all the pictures from my trip that you sent me.
(At some point in the call, she said she still has the pics on her phone)
J: I also went through my emails. I saw an email I sent to Justin with the subject being “the best Chanukah card EVAH!” I told him about the Chanukah card you had sent me. Not only did you think of me. Not only did you buy a card but you then Brailled it out on the card. No one ever did that for me but you did.

(She had mentioned something about muscles or lifting something heavy…)
J: oh! That reminds me.
K: *giggles* ok
J: Remember when you were feeling my muscles.
K: mmm they were huge and solid.
J: well, they’re even bigger.
K: *gasps*
J: Back then I was curling with 25 LBS, now I’m doing 35 LBS.
K: wholly shit Jonathan. *giggles*
J: mmmhhhmmm. And I can bench 130LBS
K: that’s more than I weigh.
J: I know, but, actually, I can probably lift more than that. I’m afraid to put more on since it’s a 20 year old piece of meddle. And, since I don’t have a spotter, I have to make sure I can get it back up on to the holder. And…
K: you are strong, I get it. *giggles*. You know, I got some muscles too.
J: oh?
K: yup, when I have to carry a rolled up rug, people ask if they can help me. I say nope, I got it. They say, are you sure? I tell them again that I got it. I’m good. I can do it.
J: awesome.

J: did you get the pictures of my nephews?
K: aww I did. They are so cuuuuute.
J: Owen is still pretty much a new born, so he doesn’t do much. Devin on the other hand, he’s a funny little guy. He says “I don’t want it” or “I don’t like it” but you had it the yesterday and you liked it. “I don’t want it”
K: aww, that’s so cuuute.

J: I have to stop saying that I know what you are thinking because honestly, as much as I wanted to believe and you believe, I don’t know what you are thinking. So I’m not going to do that anymore and not assume.
K: ok.
(Later on in the phone call, I said exactly what I didn’t want to say then caught myself and say that’s what I mean, I should stop doing that. She giggled and said but you do, you do know what I’m thinking at times.)

J: I wondered what I did wrong. I was so nice to you. I bought you things that I know you would like and that was unique to you. I remember one of the packages I sent, I sent some type of gummy candy. Oh, it was skittles because I remember one day when we were talking and you were leaving work, you told me you were eating skittles and that they were your favorite candy. That’s why I bought that for you.
K: (through tears) you didn’t do anything wrong. It was me. I stopped talking to people.
J: Did you stop talking to everyone or just me?
K: Well, all my friends back home and some around here. My family knew what was going on but no one in my extended family did.

J: my great memory worked against me. I remember every moment of the weekend. (I told her about most of the weekend, and how every time I thought of something that related to the weekend, I was sad and hurt.
J: (talking about the weekend I visited) We were at the Braille printing house and we came out of the museum part and we sat on the bench. You gave me a sideways hug and you rested your head against my chest. That moment felt so (I wanted to say perfect) right. She said she remembers me being scared of the ducks. She thought it was so funny.

J: Can I talk to Moagie on speaker phone?
K: sure.
J: am I on speaker phone?
K: you’re on
J: HI MOAGIE!
K: Moagie’s going crazy! (She giggles)
J: MMMMMOAGIE MOAGIE MOAGIE!
K: she’s licking my phone (giggles). Ok, stop Moagie. Stop licking my phone.
J: I miss you Moagie.
K: Moagie definitely misses you too (I could hear a big smile in her voice)
K: her tail is going crazy. *giggles*

J: Over the last few weeks, I have worried, I’m afraid that this is going to be the last phone call or last message or text message or FB message I will ever get from you and that thought hurts.
K: It won’t be.
J: But you don’t know that.
K: I promise.
J: I’m just going to have that in my mind though.
K: I understand. How about if I call you on Thursday?
J: ok.
J: I should stop telling you all this pain I have been through. I shouldn’t tell you.
K: Yes, you should. I need to hear it.
J: no, I don’t want you to feel the hurt you caused me.
K: Jonathan, it’s ok. Really, I’m ok with it.
J: …
K: Jonathan *giggles* you are rambling. I will talk to you on Thursday.
J: ok, I will talk to you latah.
K: talk to you latah.

Work… It sucks when you learn other’s view.

M=manager AM=Assistant manager… ok?

I dislike how the M treated me. He treated me like I was just a relief staff when I wasn’t a relief staff but much more than that.
Example: He didn’t invite me to the staff meeting. I asked him about that. He told me that I am just a relief staff and relief staff are not obligated to attend staff meetings.
When I did attend a staff meeting, even though I run the house meeting for the clients, he wouldn’t address me when talking about topics we should discuss (which I have done already, if he looked at my notes) but rather, just put it on the table for everyone to worry about.

He hired an AM. She is awesome. I ask her for things to do and while doing what I think needs to be done and she loves it. On Tuesday on the way to work, I checked my email and she had sent one to me regarding licensing…
(Every December, we get audited and our place gets looked over (every room) thurralally. Every document we wrote in the last calendar year, every room: bed room, bathroom, office, etc, so we have a lot to do and every year, all of our jobs are on the line. If the house doesn’t pass licensing, we get shut down)
The email was s addressed only to me and it had a list of all the residents and what they need to clean within their bedroom. I have to sit down with them and let them know what they have to clean. I ran a house meeting that day and told them all after meeting, I would sit with them one by one to tell them what they have to clean in their rooms.

Hmm ok, that was just an introduction so you can see how the M and AM treat me.

I took it upon myself a few years ago to be the contact person for anyone who would be coming to the house to do a group with the residents, whether it was a health-wellness person, a peer specialist or a clinical coordinator. I would set up the time-date and make sure I was there to help out and that brings us to this week.

The health-wellness lady wrote an email and included her coworker, myself, the Am the M and the person above the M. She asked if a certain date would be ok to come. I asked the AM in a separate email. The AM said this month was very busy between licensing and the holidays. I then replied to the health-wellness lady’s email, saying that between the holidays and licensing, we are very busy but we look forward to having her back after the New Year. I sent it off and didn’t think anything of it.

A short time later, the M replied, saying “good idea Jonathan. AM, can you set up a date with the health and wellness lady?”

This PISSED ME OFF! I took care of it already. This was something that I do and have been doing for years and the M comes and basically ignores what I said and hands it to the AM to worry about when she has a lot of more important stuff to worry about.

I had thoughts of responding to that email but thought better of it and sent an email to AM telling her that I am NOT a happy camper and to please call me, and I left my number. She called me back about an hour later. What exactly I said, I have no idea. I told her how M’s email made me feel and then told her how he has treated me from day one of him being there. She apologized, said not to listen to what he says. She said that she knows I am doing an awesome job. She appreciates everything I do and so doesn’t everyone else at the house. She asked me to please, come into work tomorrow with a smile. I thanked her and said I will.

5 minutes later I got a call from the M. He said “I hear you have a complaint again me” I told him about the email and how I felt about it. He said
M: I don’t know what you are upset about. I praised you, I told you it was a great idea.
J: it wasn’t that part it was the second part.
M: there is a chain of command and I have to make sure everything gets done. I give it to AM and she can either do it herself or delegate it to someone else but I have to make sure she gets things done.
J: (I explained how before he came along, that I was the person they contacted. …
At some point I said “It goes back to day one of you being here. You have overlooked me, for example, the first staff meeting, you didn’t invite me to and when I asked you about it the next day you told me that I am just a relief staff and relief staff are not obligated to attend staff meeting.”
M: that’s right, I also said that you are more than welcome to attend the staff meeting but you are the first relief staff who showed any interest in attending a staff meeting. I’m thrilled you want to come to staff meeting.
…
J: You never asked what I can do or what I have been doing. I worked at that place for 5 years and I have done a lot. You should have asked your supervisor what I can do if you didn’t know.
M: Jonathan, I have 37 people under me. I had to go through my own training and make sure everyone else under me was signed up for their own training. I also have to manage 2 houses. I don’t have the time to sit down with my supervisor and ask about every one of the 37 people under me.
…
I felt defeated after that response. I saw where he was coming from although I don’t agree with where he was coming from. All the other managers I ever had, found out from past supervisors or looked at the files or something to get to know me. I know if I was a manger, that’s what I would do.
At one point I went back to point out another time he overlooked me and he said-asked, why are you keep going back. You need to channel your anger and bring a more positive view… or something like that.
He too asked that I come to work tomorrow with a smile and he would see me at staff meeting.
I thanked him for calling me.

I don’t agree with any of his views –how he does things but like AM said, don’t worry about him. Just listen to me and I know what you are capable of and I appreciate all you do.

Work on Thursday went well. Staff meeting was almost pointless as the M nit-picked at everything the AM said. The AM came up with this sheet for each of the residents that had a list of their meds, their doctors and name-phone numbers for family members or friends. He said that it’s a great idea but he didn’t think it could be placed in the resident’s files. He would have to check the policy. I was shocked. It was a great idea. Instead of having to flip from page to page and back and having all the important info on different pages, it was all on one form. So if they have to go to the hospital, they would take one page and not 3. He was also said things that didn’t apply to our house, the staff members. None of us appreciate that, including the AM and voiced her thoughts to us when he left.

Thursday December 4th
Text
K: Got called in to work this morning, manager has the flu. Won’t be able to keep our phone date today. Sorry 
J: Ok, thanks for letting me know 

First Christmas card of year

My Dad was going through the mail and said there was one for me. I said oh there is? He said it’s from Dominique. I said, that’s strange, that’s weird, I haven’t talked to her since I left Arizona. (Well, a few days later when she told me that she was mad at me) He said it feels like there are pictures in it. Do you want me to open it? I said yes. He said it’s a card with a picture of her and what looks like her kids? Does she have an older one and a younger one? I said yes, she has a 7 4 and 2 year old. I asked him to read the card. He said that it wasn’t that type of card. It’s just the picture on the card. I asked if there was any message or note or anything, he said no.
Hmmm ooookkkkkk
So I’m thinking, what’s the point of sending me just a picture?

Social worker
To try to make a long explanation short, there is an agent of the gov called the “commission of the blind” for every state. This agency assist blind people in adapting and accessing and making accommodations in the work place, at school or in the home. However, being a Gov agency, there is always a lot of red tape and try to get the most for the dollar.
Usually about once every few months my social worker will come and meet with me just to see how I am doing and if I need any help in any areas. Unfortunately, the social worker I had for 20 something years had a cut in her case load and I got this other one who, although tries to do the best she can, is very annoying, for example: my work and I are trying to get me on the company’s network so I can do more work (= more hours). I was going to talk to the IT people of my company and wanted to know if my SW had any other ideas beyond what I had. I wrote to her saying something like…Besides putting the screen reading program on their company or being able to get on the company’s network through my laptop, is there any other ideas of what I can present to the IT people when I talk to them. …her response was… You have two options. You can either figure out if you can have access to the company’s network through your laptop or we can try to put JAWS (screen reading program) on the company at work. I hope this is helpful. If you have any more questions, you can give them my name and number.

Ummm wait, isn’t that what I just wrote?

So I asked for her to come this past Monday. We were scheduled for 11:30. At 10 AM (after telling my mom I couldn’t go shopping with her) I texted my SW asking her if she thinks she’ll be here at 11:30. (She’s usually late) She wrote back, saying that she is sorry, she was busy and can’t meet with me today. I wanted to bang my head.
We rescheduled for Thursday.

I wanted to talk to her about jobs and if the guy who I had talked to a few times at the agency about job internship programs and job fairs, would also be someone to talk to about finding a job. Such as, if he would have a list of counseling companies which I could look at. She said no, and said if that’s what you want, I could look on the net for that. I said I could too but I was hoping maybe he would already have a list seeing as he works with career programs.

We talked about jobs and I had told her what John (my best friend told me) “You have been looking for a counseling job for 15 years. You have not found it yet and you won’t find one. You need to look into a different career.” I told her some of the careers he had told me and she agreed that most of them, would not be feasible for me to do.

She came up with something that I NEVER thought of. (After discussion of other careers) Doing research.
I do that every day anyways. I go on google and search for jobs, search for how to spell words, search for how to do things (so I don’t have to bother others) I have done research for others. My best friend John asked me over the summer if I could research something for him. I went through some 36 academic articles and pulled out 5 of them which would support his argument with statistics. He was grateful and it was exactly what he wanted. If someone wants physical proof of my research abilities, I can hand them my 76 page thesis report from grad school or my 10 page advance grad school thesis which was clinically statistic based.

So I’m going to research a new career of research.

One…last…thing.
There is a lady who interned at my work when I was there in 2008. She had found me on FB a few years ago. She’s from Greece but currently lives in England…I think. She had posted something about baking cookies. I commented something like…if there are a few missing, I sent a nice pirate to steal some for me. The next day I got a FB message from her, asking for my address. I responded my home address? She wrote back Yeap!. So, I gave her my home addresse. Let’s see what I get. heheh

If anyone reads this entire entry, no matter how many sittings, I owe you a hug.