Back to the house

02/07/2011

I am sure you much rather read about Leigh or my thoughts on the superbowl, the superbowl comercials or my opinion on the National Anthum and half time show but that will all have to be for another day.

Today I went back to the house where THE EVENT happened. I was suprising ok with entering the house and walking down stairs myself where THE EVENT happened. (I had to use the bathroom, so I just ran without really thinking)

But I came back up stairs and well, everything was as is for me. I sat in the chair where I usually conduct my group meetings. I went in with my boss's boss who has been to the house a few times. The coping counselor walked in with us too and soon after one of the male counselors came in but after a few minutes someone looked out side and there was the rest of the crew. My boss was a MESS. She wasnt sure if she could even walk into the house. It was very dificult for her as well as some of the others. The Coping counselor had everyone go out to the front portch and that's where we started. We talked about how we felt and how we think we will feel and Steffanie was brought up as we all said something nice about her but I dont recall the actually question that was asked. When my boss was ready to try to go in, we went in. I was the second to go in and everyone else followed. I went back to the chair I do my groups from and it felt ok. One staff member went down stairs to check it out and when we came up, we started.

it is very dificult to write this

so we talked about how we feel, how the clients must be feeling and what we are doing to make things just a little bit easier. What are we doing that is pleasurable. We talked about "if" (and for some, that is a very very very big word) they come back to this house to work, what will be the "next" step for ourself and our clients.

The hard part for me was and still is, the things that remind me of the event or his name or her name. I feel anger when I hear someone with his first name and feel sad when I hear someone with her name. Today when running on my treadmill listening to music, I had to skip over some songs because it reminded me of the event in some way and it hurt.

Like i wrote in the other entry and I said in the last meeting, when the radeo is off, when the computer is shut down, that is when I think about the event the most, that's when my simptoms are the strongest.


Some hours are just a little bit easier than others