got drunk last night

09/21/2014

ya so, I went over John's new house last night when he got off from work at 11. He works at a liquor store. He brought me 6 nips of vodka.
Over the next 2 hours (time not confirmed) I finishd them off.

He said a lot of stuff to me. He did listen and gave me speaches as well about this on line flying to go meet people.
We talked about sex. we talked about Indiana, about well... all my trips that went negative because none of them went as good as hoped, well, the final results. We talked about where I meet all these people. (here mostly, but tell him a chat website) and he says ...just like me they go there because they're bored too. They're bored because they don't have friends. They don't have friends because they have issues. You chat to them and you think you know them but really Jonathan you don't know shit about them. I could tell you all the red flags Jonathan but (and he eventually did) it wont matter because you are so bored you will chat to any girl and then before you know it, you're hopping a flight to god knows where to meet these crazy women (and a baseball stadium) right, and a fucking baseball stadium.

We talked about dating and how narrow minded I am. (which, I admit. I'm looking for that perfect woman, but the funny thing, Indiana was almost nothing of that perfect woman but ...before I get upset I'll stop there) and how people are going to skip over me just because I'm blind. It's not as "easy" than a person without a disability. Just like people skip over him because he has kids. People are going to skip over me because I don't have a fulltime job or when they find out, they'll just turn away. They'll turn away because I live with my parents.
We talked about how I should never look for a relationship that I (he really) cant drive to. I tried to disagree. I said what if my perfect woman is in Cali?
He talked about how you cant know a person, no matter how much you chat to them for no matter how long, you cant know someone unless you spend time with them and not just once a month. I brought up Nikki, my x, who I met on hre. He says I never told him about that relationship but I did. but I digresss...
I agree, you cant know someone but I wont stop trying.
And plus I did capture another stadium which, to him, my entire goal to go to every stadium is stupid, he just doesn't get what it means to me and never will.

I think we talked about work but don't remember anything about that.

Actually, I'm sure all of what I just wrote adds up to an hour of the 2 hours I was there for.
I Don't remember everything.

I woke up to find out I wrote an FB post that I don't recall. I wrote to people and don't remember writing to them and had a conversation with Dominique that I don't recall most of it.

I tried to talk to people about what's going on but life just gets in the way and that's when I'm very thankful I have bloop to come to.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring for me.
I don't know anything about my life any more.

I'm just left not sure who to believe anymore. Who is right and who is wrong.
What is the right thing to do or where to go.

I messaged people last night that I don't recall messaging. I had a very long and drunken convo with Dominique, again, of which I don't remember most of it.
She did say a lot of things that I did need to hear even if I don't want to, about relationships and sex and I don't even know what else because I just skimmed through it.

I even sent a text to my twin to call me when he gets a chance. He will tonight he said.
I don't know what I'm going to get out of that or what I want to get out of it.

I just feel so low right now...

Sitting here wasted and wounded At this old piano
Trying hard to capture The moment this morning I don't know

With an ironclad fist I wake up and French kiss the morning
While some marching band keeps Its own beat in my head
While we're talking About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and the truth