What's up what's up what's up???
wow, what a day. I am so mentally tired, my brain hurts.
Today my boss and I went to see the Lawyer. Next Friday a police officer wants to question me and my boss. So the lawyer basicly told us what we can and can not say... at this time.
On the outside I am strong. On the inside, I'm a little nervous.
However, I feel so bad for my boss. She is not taking this well at all and hasn't from day one. At work, she is the most confident and respected person around. When talking -thinking about this case at all, she is a mess. I could not see if she was crying but I could hear it in her normally confident voice. She spoke a bit more than a whisper. I wish I could be not professional and give her a hug and tell her that everything will be ok.
She had things she wanted to discuss with the lawyer herself so I excused myself. I have not had a work ID for years. I am not at the main building hardly ever. I think I've been there 5 times in my 7 years working there so never had the opritunity. So I went over, got my picture taken WITH MY RED SOX SHIRT ON. Then waited for my boss to get out of the meeting. It didnt make sense for me to go home and go to work later if my boss was going to work after anyways and I had my computer and pre-planned it so browned bagged lunch.
I went to work, my boss was asked to drop something off and asked if I was ok staying in the house myself. I said yes. (with nerves) She told me that if the doorbell rings, dont answer it. If the phone rings, dont answer. I told her "it's not my house" we both laughed but I did feel nerves.
If my nerves is normally a "0" on a normal day. The start of this day, knowing I was going to be meeting with the lawyer, it was a "3" When my boss asked if I was ok staying in the house alone, my nerves was a "5" As I started to think about it, before she had left, my nerves was a "6" 5 mins after she had left and I started hearing noises that you only hear when you are alone and nervous and hyperviduant... like I think I heard the mouse we had in the house that I'm not sure if they caught or not or when I could feel a draft from a window that I didnt feel previously and I froze when I heard a "beap" coming from down stairs but realized it was the carbinmonoxide detecter that we need to replace, beaping once every 3 minutes. And when the doorbell wrang, my nerves shot up to a "9.9" I felt like the guy in the tell tail heart my heart was beating so hard. I did call my boss after the doorbell wrang a second time a minute later. I actually heard that car park as it made a beaping sound, so I thought it was going to be my boss so when the person wrang the doorbell once, I got scared, and when it wrang again, I got really scared. I called my boss and it went right to voice mail. my nerves hit 10, my muscles were tensed up, my body was sweatting and I froze. I tried her back when I got my body to go back to at least an 8. When I heard her voice it went to a 5 when I got off the phone it went back to a 7 and when she came back, it went to a 2 and when my other coworker came in, it went to a normal "0".
Physically, all that physical stress really wore my body down.
Now about the title of this entry.
Is it a blessing or a curse to have a great memory like I do?
My boss sat down with a client at the table I do my work from-hold my meetings from. I listened to the conversation. When the 15 minute conversation was over, my boss came over to me and asked if I could write up their conversation in a document. (since I usually write my group notes word for word from memory) Although I sat down 6 hours later and was able to do it pretty good. It would have been a lot better if she would have warned me before hand so I could take mental or typing notes. Once I completed that, my brain hurted.
My boss obviously asked me to do it since she sees that I do it for my group notes and knows I have a very good memory but how many of you could have done that with pretty good accuracy?
Somedays at work I feel like I am extremely replaceable and not needed.
Days like today and Tuesday and actually last week I had a day where I felt I was needed too, I feel very good about the little bit of work which I do do because I do lift my not so broad shoulders and I am able to be smart, caring, understanding, thoughtful, funny and take charge and be serious when needed.
Today my coworker was tired and wasnt all there. My guess is that she had a migrane but didnt tell anyone. She knows that when she admits to them, (because I get them as well) we pull the work from her fingers and have her go into an office with the lights out and just relax. ... I basicly did my group and assisted in the house meeting as well. She normally does it with me 70%-30% her. Today it was 60-40 me. Not because I had to. Not because she asked me to but because I noticed both in her voice and her slowness of her thought process and her dragging voice that she was not only tired but probably had a migrane.
so, I was just Jonathan being Jonathan
And, honestly, the Jonathan my coworkers, boss and clients see, I wish my family and friends could see that Jonathan as well. I am all together a different person. I should write about the two different Jonathan's and explain the reasons...someday
Thank you my bloop buddies and bloop for being here for me
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