no sunshine when you're low, I'm low

09/08/2013

I’m just…not happy
I wonder what this world would be like if I never existed. I wonder what you would be like if you never met me?
Just like A Christmas Carol story.

If you heard this story from me, it’s the same story over and over and over again.

I’m not happy with work. I only work 4 hours a week
I have not looked for a job aggressively lately, but when I do look, I wonder to myself “why do I bother?” I look through and if I find 1 job to apply to, it’s a lot.
I also feel that I am falling way behind in technology but there is nothing I can do about it. I could take classes but I need to know what I need to learn before I learn something.
If I wasn’t a counselor, what would I be? What can I be?

Lawyer: I’m meeting with the Lawyer from the situation that happened at work from 2 years ago. I’m a bit nervous about that, not that there is anything to be nervous about.
I am using this, as my excuse for canceling my flight so I may actually get all my money back. I have to fill out a few forms and my lawyer has to fill out one as well. I was happily shocked when I sent him an email, telling him the situation, as far as needing to cancel to meet with him, would he mind filling out a
form. He replied, writing a 4 word email “Jonathan, no problem, Scott”
I told my mom and she put nerves into me, she said “who’s going to pay for him to fill out that form?” I said, since it’s related to work, work will. (I hope?)

Relationships… yes, I am still so in love with Karen. I think of who she is, what she does and she is the most amazing person I know for me.
However, I guess, someone who sent her flowers on valentine’s day, someone who sent her a thumb drive full of music when she was laid up in bed after having her tonsils removed, Sent her a green sweater for Christmas, and a package of stuff, including her favorite candy, for her b day, and giving her a charm of a sword, something she loved, plus giving her dog a dog rope and a pack of treats… I guess all of that, is not enough to win a lady over.

OR, maybe I am over exaggerating. I take her on her word that … I’m going to stop writing about this, my anxiety is starting to spike…

I am not happy with my family. I feel like I am just being dragged around.
I feel like I am just going through the motions.
My older bro constantly putting me down. My twin having a busy life (I am happy for him) my sister…everything is about her right now with her wedding being 5 weeks away and plus she just moved into her first real house last week with her partner. She puts me down sometimes too but she can be caring-thoughtful…when she feels like it.
My parents, my dad is stuck in the 60’s, everything after that is wrong and he will tell you why and if you even try to prove him wrong, he will get upset and say “I can’t do anything right. I’m always wrong” and he is getting to be forgetful. My mom… I don’t know where to begin with her. She constantly puts my sibs down. She thinks she knows everything. She is always tired, stressed, and if I want help with something, it is on her time.

I wish I had more friends, I have my best friend, John, who is really ticking me off with how easy he makes it out to be to have sex with random women. Not that I want that, I just want one lady but I am so sexually frustrated, so he makes my frustration multiply. I went out with him Friday night, it’s always where ever he wants to go. Which is one reason that led to his divorce. We went with his two kids. He doesn’t understand kids. Just don’t tell him I said that. With his 5 year old, he doesn’t bring any toys or anything to play with-do and so a 5 year old is of course going to get edgy and John talks to him sternly, saying “sit still” “don’t I’m talking” but what is his son suppose to do? so the last two times, I have been bringing crayons for him to draw-color on the plate mat. Then I asked him what he did today. And I kept asking questions about his day. Eventually I asked him if he could draw a house for me. Then I asked if he could draw the park he went to with his Grandma.

His almost 2 year old, Grace, oh this is so cute… she kept saying “hand” John kept saying what about hand? What do you want. John Figured it out…she wanted to high-5 me. So we high-5’ed and we did fist pumps and after each, she giggled. It was so cute
However, he is a great father. He does take care of them and puts them first.

He’s my only friend I go out with on a regular basis…more than 2-3 times a year.
Most of my time I spend in my room, doing unproductive things.

I wish I felt more comfortable with a lot of my Bloop buddies so I could come visit you and go to the nearest ball park, the rest of the time, do whatever you come up with even if it is playing with your kids-watch Disney movies.

Most of my days go like this… wake up, check email etc, work out. Take a shower have lunch. (if tues-thurs, prepare for work, and go to work) if my mom wants to drag me to a store, I go sometimes. If not, I go back to my room and if I feel motivated, I might look at jobs if not, I continue to just go from espn, fb, Bloop and my emails. I also found a blind gaming site where I spend a lot of time during the day and late night. Then I go for dinner, most of the time I’m the 3rd wheel, even with my parents, they have conversations and I don’t say anything. After dinner I listen to the RedSox game, either with my dad on tv or in my room on the radio. I am usually on fb chatting with people or more likely, just playing games by myself, wondering why I am playing by myself.

My friend TX Lisa, John’s sister, somehow got me to not only smile the other night but to laugh as well.
Let me see if I can find the convo in FB…

L: I love you! I will do anything for you!! I miss your face!!
J: I love you too, miss your hugs, hmm even drive a car? oh... I guess you would do anything for me
L: Yep...you name it! Specially if it makes everyone go..hmmm...she's crazy
Lmao
J: what happens in Houston...stays in Houston lmao
L: That's the only thing that tops our prom together! We have had some amazing crazy times!!!
J: mmm the prom... we have haven't we?
L: Not just Mary,but the whole ride down, not so much back....the ride back wax brutal! Lmfao!
I remember my dress braking in the back and you telling me to make the best of it and I used it to twirl the rest of the night!
J: and that baseball game, well, the stadium was forgettable... it was pretty cool seeing you nervous about seeing an old gf of yours. well... after tomorrow I'll have to find somewhere else to fly to at some point in the next year.
L: I wish I could meet you some where exotic And run the town wild!
It's on my bucket list
J: exotic, hmm I guess that would be far away from any ball park I never been lol
I bet SF would be fun with you... just saying
L: How bout a training camp in the Dominican Republic?
I have a friend that owns a house in SF!
J: lol hablo espanol para un poco
really!?! hmm some place we could crash? free housing would be great. we can share a pullout couch or bed
L: Lmao! Good cuz yo no hablo espanylo! (Spelling) ( we'll if I can't speak it I can't spell it!) ha
She is the owner of the hotel I use to stay at in Nor Cal, when I worked at the Indian reservation
J: porque? tenes espanol en esquela?
L: Huh?
They only go down for football season!
J: hmmm def something to think about then for the future.
L: So baseball season is open!
I will start saving my pennies
J: I'm a 49ers fan but wouldn't go there and not see a baseball game. and the only month they cross is September unless the sf giants makes the playoffsand that aint happening this year. although Oakland may. but we'll dream about it for now
L: They are season ticket holders for the 49's!
J: OH! I miss understood... yay for baseball season being opened !
L: Yep something to look forward to! Counting my pennies maybe 2015
They love to bust chops about the pats! Her family is from southie! Lol
J: lol we'll be like... 37 years old by then!
L: Gawd, why do you have to go there???
Crying...we will still be fierce and CRAZY!!!
J: lol you are only as old as you feel...and my knees feel 100 years old lmao
we'll be wiser-crazier!
L: Great, cuz the way I play these days I feel ;3 years old!!!Heheheh
J: thank you thank you thank you... you made me smile, a real smile, for the first time in a few days
L: You DESERVE a ReAl smile all the time!! I will always
Be there/here for you ! Wether it be a sweet crazy memory or a new crazy exciting adventure, I'm always IN!!!
J: and for that, and so many other reasons, I love you and will always... and I love you so much that I think it's time for you to go to bed missy
L: MUAHHHHH (big fat kisses) think happy thoughts! Enjoy temple and your holiday! I love you lots! forever and always
J: I'll try. thanks. good night sweet dreams
L: Sweet dreams too you as well! I hope you "see" us tonight laughing!!
J: you are only saying that cause you want to look 15 again lol... sorry! couldn help myself. night ...for real
L: BAHAHAA! Just add a few smiles lines and crows feet around the eyes! And a bunch more freckels!
Just don't as the 30+ lbs...that would make me happy
J: whatever about that 30lbs, my hugs can tell your figure and you have a nice figure L: You always know the perfect thing to say! Another reason I love you!



I’m going to visit my cousin Michael either Tuesday or Wednesday and bring lunch. His grandmother, my God Mother, offered to take me.
He will appreciate and love that.
It will make me feel good too.

But it is so hard, so many things reminds me of Karen. When I workout, then touch my muscles…I remember when Karen touched my muscles and giggled.
I bought a cologne for the first time…the other 2-3 I’ve worn, other people have bought it for me for either my b day or Chanukah.
It came with a recommendation from a very close Bloop friend, (HI OLIVIA!)
The name of the cologne…unplugged…by Bon Jovi. It’s a nice smell. Karen would love it. She’s the reason I bought it.
Whenever I hear the time, if it says 11:17 or 3:17 it reminds me of Karen.
There has been more than a few times when I think of something and want to text-email Karen…but then I don’t.
I’m trying to give myself space from her but it is hurting me but not as bad as she hurt me Tues-Thursday when I pretty much didn’t eat Tues and wed and Thursday only a fraction of what I normally eat. Tuesday I actually threw up twice and Wednesday once, just thinking about her.

We did talk on Thursday… and although I can see most of what she was saying, I still don’t understand why she is with him. He even makes excuses for him or she’s so numb that she doesn’t realize that he’s verbally abusive.
To her, it’s no big deal, it is who he is but then when she tells me how he makes her cry by him yelling at her, belittling her and making her feel stupid.

As for me, I started mentally freaking out. I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone-lonely.
What does it take to win a lady over?

OK, this is an epic entry.
Thank you for reading and for those who read everything…thank you!