I'm still in Texas, having a great time and I will write all about it when I get home but I just need to ask this... right now.
I have sorta been looking for Lisa, the love of my life, (not to be confused with TX Lisa) off-on for a few years. I knew she got married and I didn't know her married name. I looked for her on fb when I signed up but without her married name, and not being able to see the pictures, I wouldnt be able to contact her.
I dont know what made me thought to search for her today but I did. I first went to google to do a search. I put in her name, the town I believe she lives in. Eventually I put in something, that came up with a match to the college she graduated from and it had her first, last and married name. Now I knew it was her and I put her full name in the FB search and it came up with nothing so I put in her first and married name, and there was a few hits. I went to the first one and looked at her job description, and I knew it was "my Lisa". It said that she owns-runs a day care center and you will see, from the poems below, that it was what she always wanted to do.
My question is... should I contact her? what should I say? I dont want to seem like a stalker...lol. What would I get out of contacting her? Would I want to be friends with her again? Would she want to be friends again? Could I be friends with her with all these non-suppressed feelings I have for her? I was thinking of writing and just saying "Hi Lisa. how are you?" and if she writes back... I take it from there... Thoughts?
Below are the poems from over the years I have written about-for her in chronological order.
* I changed her name in the last one to protect my sanity
**I AM NOT SENDING THEM TO HER, IF THAT CROSSED YOUR MIND AND THINK THAT IS CREAPY
how do I feel about you
February, 1997
How do I feel about you?
the last 9 years we shared a word
the last 3 years on the phone
once a week
every day
every night
20 minutes
we walked through hell and we ran through heaven
together, you and me
7 boyfriends and one me
where do I stand
9 years has past and 90 more to come
keep the faith
I can still remember
when we were just kids
Bar mitzvah, farm, baseball game,
Bon Jovi , Temple and my junior senior prom
those were the best times of my life
High school, college, law school, a lawyer
high school, college, a teacher
Chocolate, purple, little children, Reebok, Sony, jewelry,
red roses, Boyz II Men, hockey and football
Baseball, Nolan Ryan, Mets, basketball, Jason Kidd,
football, 49ers, Davis/Waters, Hockey, Penguins, Gretzky,
New Edition, Patient, Chinese food, salad, red
Likes to Life
broken wrist from ice skating, teeth pulled, my operation and now, now this mono
life is a game
this game is cruel
sure you had enough
keep the faith
I will always love you
Her voice, her hugs, her talks, a shoulder
I like to hold her
a story, a secret
let's keep it
She knows when I lie
she swore, she cried
I heard it all
from her weakest to her strongest times
a friend, a best friend
she heard my tears and
and she wiped away my fears
Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Birthday,
and Happy Yew Year
5-3, why can I not see
long hair, short hair, I don't care
He can take my vision
He can take my hearing
but he can't take you
a small package, a big motivator
A little pretty girl, a young mature woman
When Was The Last Time
May 2003
When was the last time
that I told you
girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
my precious time
and my love on you
The first time that I saw you
you were sitting on the school steps
your long dark hair
your undeveloped body
your soft spoken voice
and your beautiful smile
but most of all a friend
When was the last time
that I told you
girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
my precious time
and my love on you
I was young
and I wanted to have fun
with no one else
but you
there was kadeama
you and I was always paired
you were the first that I cared
and it was there that I fell in love with you
but most of all a friend
When was the last time
that I told you
girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
My precious time
and my love on you
then there was my coming of age
my Bar Mitzvah was fun
but I did not get to dance with you
well we were still young
and I am sure that
there will be a time
When was the last time
that I told you
girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
my precious time
and my love on you
You disappeared
for a few years
you did not come to Hebrew School
you stopped coming to Kadeama
I did not hear from you
I did not see you
but I still thought about you
and I still loved you
I miss my friend
When was the last time
that I told you
girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
my precious time
and my love on you
Then my sister told me
that she saw you
you wanted to hear from me
I got the courage and the number to call you
and I have not stopped calling since
When was the last time
that I told you
girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
my precious time
and my love on you
For the last five years
we have seen each other
through good times and bad
through your boyfriends and my female friends
high school and now college
a birthday card, a Chanukah present, a graduation congratulation
and a dance at my prom
we have always listened to each other's
thoughts, problems, stories and secrets
a laugh, a cry
a smile a tear
hugging and loving
but now where
When was the last time
that I told you
girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
my precious time
and my love on you
Now you found
the man you want
to walk down the aisle with
as much as I want
I rather for you
I see your happiness
I hear your excitement
he treats you well
and I know that
you love him
and when that day comes
I want you to know that I will be happy for you
I see that this man
cares for you
is kind to you
and loves you
When was the last time
that I told you
girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
my precious time
and my love on you
You always talk
about your future
college marriage and four children
your big truck
your nice house
and your day care center
you have high expectation for your self
but even higher dreams
When was the last time
that I told you
Girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
my precious time
and my love on you
What will the future bring
more happiness
more precious time
more crying and confiding in each other
more congratulations and that's too bad
as distance become further
and we move our own ways
friends become fewer
and best friends become truer
and over the coming years
as we grow older
and life seems to be getting colder
I just want you to know
I will be there for you
I want to walk you down the aisle
I want to be there when you name your children
I want to be beside you
when you ride your first truck
I want to be next to you
when you move into your first house
I want to be there
for all your children's
birthdays, holidays and celebrations
When was the last time
that I told you
girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
my precious time
and my love on you
Then when you are
old and gray
you are living in a senior home
you have a special diet
your four children are all across this country
and you have nine beautiful grand children
I just hope
you remember me
and all of our good times
from the beginning
Hebrew School, Kadeama
dinners, movies concerts, games Disney on ice
birthdays, Valentine Days, Christmas, Chanukah and new years
Bar Mitzvah, graduations, weddings and children being born
when the lord decides
to take us from this
I hope that
you can say
I made a difference in your life
a soul mate
When was the last time
that I told you
Girl I love you
I want to spend
my hard earned money
my precious time
and my love on you
A letter to Stephanie
6-10-09
Hi Stephanie, how have you been?
How is your career going? And your husband?
Do you have any children?
Not much has changed with me.
I’m doing some counseling, got an advance master’s degree.
Still in the same house, living with my family.
I’m not married, don’t even have a girlfriend
Still waiting, a hopeless romantic till the end.
I know I have told you
But you never let me show you.
How much I loved you.
When I first saw you, all those years ago
Petite and cute with your long hair that flowed
Whenever I heard your voice, or even just the mention of your name, I would glow
I was in love with you
I had dreams of marriage, and spending my life with you
But it wasn’t the movies or a fairytale, it wasn’t to end like that, who knew?
So much to my sadness
I know I have to move on
So before I let you go, and forever you’re gone
This could be strange, or wrong
Every woman I meet, I try to compare to you
Every lady I meet, I want to know if they are a Jew
Every female that crosses my path, has to be outgoing and understanding and cute
Educated, and determined, hardworking and fun
Someone who will take my hand and just run
“You are one in a million” to quote GNR
For you Stephanie, oh sweet Stephanie, you will always have a special place in my heart
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