Caution: Brain at Work | 01/07/2009 |
 WhEn PuSh CoMeS tO sHoVe
Well... let me see, I should not be on bloop right now, but sigh, I am. So what can I do but just post a new entry? See, I have all this stuff going through my mind and I need to get it out. Burst it onto the internet with words and long ramblings like I am so used to.
Let me make something clear, about my friends. As much as I can complain about some of them, Brittany for instance, I know that she is my friend - at least. Because while everyone else at basketball games talks and talks to each other and kind of just ignores me and doesn't include me in their conversations she always listens to me and includes me. I don't. I am just an idiot, but I still can't get over some of the stuff; I just know that I need to let it go. Grow up much? 
Oh then... what else. OH yeah, I really started Psychology today. And as much as I hate to say it, I think I will like it. For right now let us forget the fact that it is taught by my favorite teacher and let us forget the fact that it is with all of my friends and we just feed off each other - let us just forget all of this. Instead let us look at the reason why I am taking it. Well... I am taking it not because I have any interest in a medical career or to become a doctor or psychiatrist or anything like that. I want to take it so I can know people. So I can understand their behaviors and reactions and thought processes and so I can make realistic characters when I write. Is that weird or what? Then if you add in all of those other factors that I said to exclude, well that just makes it all the better.
I have not wrote anything in a while. It has to be have been a week or two since I have updated my story (which I am not posting online, sorry.... My story is mine, and mine alone, and I don't want to write for someone else.) but today... god... especially today I have been brewing over it. Like seriously, I have the urge to write. I just want to create and speak and scream and shout and....
I don't know. I feel like things are changing. I feel like I am changing. You know? I appreciate things more. I see things different. I am trying so hard to just be me, and maybe that me, well, maybe that me is breaking through. I don't know. I just feel better more often these last few days. It all really started on Friday when I went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button with my friend.
But wow, just wow. I have wrote this much already and I still don't have this feeling out of me. I still feel like I am missing my point. This point, this end, is just out of my reach. I have a conclusion and for the life of me I cannot figure out what it is. But I haven't done it, and it is bugging the hell out of me. But I feel like this conclusion is connected with this change. I feel like I am just one step away from breaking through everything and just being happy - one step away from leaving my past behind me.
I'm sorry if none of this makes sense. But on a guy update - well there is none. I know Jared still has his girlfriend, in fact she just turned 16 I think. I think 16... because she was a sophomore and that seems like that is the age around here. And thank god John has left me alone. And Brian... well I think I am falling again, and not just like a crush, but falling. I am bad. Yep, bad bad Rachee. I am just so scared because we are so comfortable right now and I would hate, hate for that to all go to nothing.
I am weird, I do not talk much. People don't know much about me. They know I have 9 dogs, and 1 cat. They know I live on an acreage and that I work at Arby's. They know I read a lot, play video games, and I love Heroes. Everyone knows that I have weird dreams. They know I have a brother and a sister and that my brother is in D.C. in the air force and might go back to Iraq while my sister is living in his house with her BF and they worry over her BF's kids. Beyond that, they don't really know anything.
I know that seems weird. You might be thinking that, "Hey that is a lot." But really it is not. They don't know what ticks me off and why. They don't know what makes me cry and what makes me laugh. They don't know who I like or what I think. They don't know how I feel most of the times. They don't know that I hate speaking to people and I am the shyest person in the world. They don't know that I hate to answer the phone and that I am terrified of calling people. They don't know that I am embarrassed of some of the things that I write and I never want people to read it. They don't know that I hate to have people on my computer or looking at my stuff. They don't know that I hate people to assume everything is about me (writing or art). They don't know that I don't think I am that smart and that I worry like hell about everything. They don't know that I write fanfictions or even that I really write stories anymore. They just don't know.
Now it is not their fault. That is just the kind of person I am. I will tell you anything superficial about my life but as soon as you try to go any deeper I don't want to talk anymore. Well... not when you TRY. If my friends asked me something like that, I would tell them... most likely. I just don't feel like I can trust people like that. And that hurts me, even if it is myself doing it... you know? I want to trust them, but I can't get myself to make that first move and give them the chance. I guess... well... I guess I just want them to make the first move and give me a sign that they want to know and are ready to let me trust them. Man, I hope this makes sense.
But back to what brought me to this little ramble of mine. Brian. Well, see, that is the weird thing. I don't really know much about him either. I have gone to school with him for like 12 years now and I don't know that much. I want to... and I feel like I can trust him. But then I hear one of my friends say something like.... Oh, well they were talking about sleeping on the way to a Volleyball game and that Brian wouldn't let you (cause he was girls' VB, video tech). Do I just have too much hope in people? Do I have hope but no trust? Is that weird?
But yeah, we just... get along. Understand? We talk and we debate and we put our wits to the test and try to out-do the other and we try to make the better argument. But it is never mean... and never out of spite. It is sport. And I just don't know. I wish I could just read thoughts. For just a day... an hour even. Oh but sigh, that can never ever happen. Tis impossible really. But wow... I do not think I can write a single drop more, otherwise I shall be murdered. Oh, and about that feeling. It is still there, but it is fading... or passing... yes passing. I still haven't reached the end yet, though. ^_^
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