#2

I've been talking to him again ...
I know that I shouldn't but I just can't help it.
The problem is that when you spend so much time with one person, so many years loving them and caring for them, it is so hard to say goodbye. I've had to do it too many times with him now.
There were reasons that I left him ... things that I thought would never change.
I see his change

I want to beat myself in the head ... I can't believe that I am really about to put myself through this again.

He has ... moved on. If he hasn't moved on he is doing a damn good job of pretending. I know that it shouldn't upset me but the idea that cares about someone other than me hurts my heart. I know that's dumb. I left him, I told him to leave, I told him I didn't want to be with him therefore my heart shouldn't hurt ... I don't have the right at this point.

I wonder if it has to do with the fact that the one year anniversary of our official break up is around the corner. I'm sure that's what it is. Ugh yet again my heart and my brain are deaf to each other.

I know that he and I cannot be together. I know that we cannot go through that again. First, there was his dishonesty. Then, there was my dishonesty. Now ... we're both being dishonest, just in a different way than before.

He tells me that he doesn't have feelings for me like he did before and after what happened I don't blame him but I don't believe him. He acts like he is over it, over me. I don't believe him.

I tell him nothing. I am a fan of omission. Omission can hurt like a lie but, it's not a lie.

I don't know what I want to happen between he and I. Right now ... everything in my life is messed up ...

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I REALLY THOUGHT HE WOULD FALL OFF WITHOUT ME.

Things are going well for him. He is working, making good money, driving a nice car ... material things don't mean much to me but the things he has now were things that he never really made an effort to have when we were together. I'm pretty disappointed that I wasn't reason enough to want to do better.

I'm selfish. I want to be the only girl for him. I know that I will never be the only girl for him.

He has been using her phone.

SMH What the fuck am I doing?

It hurts a lot. I thought he could never hurt me more than he already had. I thought there was no way ... and to know that there is someone else. He told her "Text me before you go to bed."

He tells me that she is just a friend. That term, friend, it means someone that you are seeing but not committed to. Its a non exclusive relationship with someone that could potentially be more. He says that they aren't dating, they aren't boyfriend and girlfriend ... she is his friend. I don't want him to have friends. If he can't have a friend then I can't have a friend and I don't want to say goodbye to my friends.

SHAMEFUL

I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want the exact thing then he had, the thing that hurt me so badly that I told him to get out of my life. And after I sent him on my way, after he ... he tried so hard to get me back. He tried so hard to show me that he was sorry and that he wanted me in his life and I, finally thinking with my head instead of my heart, lived for me. I attempted to have my cake and eat it to and in the process I hurt him. I hated myself for it.

I never wanted him to feel the pain that I felt. I never wanted him to believe that I didn't love him or care about him. The reality is I don't think I'll ever love another human being the way that I've loved him.

I've been with a lot of men since my break up with Big -- I've only cared about one of them. I know it was real because he was the one that Big was threatened by. There was a 10 year difference between Big and Boots and Big was threatened by him ... I miss Boots, I miss Boots more than anyone will ever know. Boots was my sun and without him ... there are just a bunch of cloudy days.