#3 - making a change today

Today was a good day. I mean yea, I woke up an hour late but whatever. I still made it to work on time. Tony came by my job and brought me some money on what he owes me. I still can't believe that he followed through on it. He asked me to believe in him, told me that he wouldn't let me down ... I just have such a hard time believing people these days. I feel like everyone has a hidden agenda, like they're all out to get me somehow or another because most of my relationships since Big - and even including Big - have been based on lies. It's my fault though. I want so badly to please people that I will do anything for them and then - I hang my head low as I say this - even when I know something is up, I still do it because at least someone cares someone ... UGH I was going to say cares about me but they don't care about me. They care about what I do for them and when I stop doing for them they forget that I ever existed. And for Tony to really follow through on this ... oh it means the world to me.

After work, I went to dinner with an old friend. I love spending time with her. We've been through a lot and we share so many memories. I love being around her. She is so uplifting and inspiring. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes. I think about it all of the time - what I would do if I was suddenly paralyzed. She doesn't let it hold her back. She told me that she believed God gave her a second chance and she wasn't going to abuse it by sulking ... Amazing <3

I'm still thinking about Jerry. I still can't believe my dream. Marie thinks that he visited me. I'd like to believe that but I can't. I don't know where I got this thought process from but I really don't believe in an afterlife. I don't believe that there is a heaven and hell ... well, this is hell. And so if you screw up, you're reborn. You come back and you have to do it all over again. And if you're good, then your soul finally gets to rest. Though I believe that each time I lose a person whether they just leave my life or they leave this world, they are in my heart where they will live on through me, through my memories.

Jerry died back in 2006, he was 19. I'd gone to school with him since I was in the 4th grade. He was always happy and always smiling. We had lost touch after I graduated from high school but whenever I saw him out he would just smile at me. He really lit up a room. I can't believe his life was taken from him just like that. In my dream, I was outside getting ready to leave for school when he and his mom pulled up. She dropped him off with me so he could catch a ride to school. I was so excited to see him. I didn't realize that it was out of the ordinary until my sister appeared and reminded me that Jerry had died. I cried so hard at first but then somehow it was back to this good feeling. We talked and we laughed and we joked. When I woke up I felt so weird. I was sad ... sad because he was gone but at the same time I was happy ... comforted almost.

When I think about Jerry and how his life like so many other young lives are over, I feel stupid. I am still alive, I am still here, I still have so much to do and experience and so many smiles to give and ... THE POINT -- I'm going to do what ever I can to get over myself. Yea ... that's what I need to do.