so Matthew and i have been married since this past January 9th, and we are loving it. we've been together for three years now so it's not much different from before. i mean, yeah there are minute differences from then and now but i love it. we love it. i mainly love the fact that i can now sleep beside my husband. oh yeah, he got a new job too. it's full time so that means NO MILITARY! XD he's loving it. full time hours, good work, steady hours. something to do. now we get to save up for a car, then a house. then maybe a baby later on lol. almost thought i was pregnant recently actually lol.
but other than that I've been really stressed lately. had a lot of things going on. been feeling sick to my stomach a lot lately and been having a lot of heartburn. 
you know what i got to do for our one month anniversary? i got to dream about my grandpa. i dreamed he wasn't dead. that he had just gone away for a while. that he was back now for a while. and then he hugged me. i was sleeping but i actually felt the hug. i can still feel his hug. so warm and knowing. and solid. oh what i would give for that again. (gosh i'm gonna cry again just thinking about this) every time i look at Matthew i think about my grandpa. they are so much alike it is uncanny. they like the same things, hate the same things, act the same way, and have so much in common, yet i met Matthew 3 years after my grandpa died. sometimes it hurts to look at my husband. i love him but sometimes i can't look at him because he reminds me so much of the only person who was like a dad to me. he helped me when i needed to talk to someone about what was going on with my mother and her thing. he was there for me when no other man was. he understood, and i didn't even have to say a word. it was almost like he could solve all my problems with a hug, a western movie, and a bowl of ice cream sitting on the couch in the living room. i just miss him so much. i need him now more than anything.
my mother, on the other hand, is something else completely. there is this thing that is supposed to happen soon that was set into motion when my dad died. i was trying to get information about this thing because i know absolutely almost nothing about it, and she wouldn't tell me anything. so, naturally, it resulted in a very heated argument. well, there were some words said that i'm sure some people probably wish they could take back, but nonetheless, they were said. and they hurt. a lot. well, when Matthew and i first moved back, she promised she had changed, that she was different than what she was before. i guess i was fool enough to believe her because this last argument almost crushed me. and guess who was there waiting with a hug. my aunt. my surrogate mother for the past 9 or 10 years at least. seriously, she's been more of a mom to me than my own, but that is another story. Matthew thinks it doesn't bother me, but the truth is, when he is at work, all I've wanted to do this past week is cry myself to sleep.
so yeah, a lot going on right now. i'm almost devastated about my mother, missing my grandpa dearly, loving my husband, and trying not to break down and cry and fall apart on my husband's shoulder. again. i am just trying so hard not to snap right now. seriously i feel so close to the edge right now one more little push and i will fly off the cliff i'm standing on. just a bit more pressure and i will no longer bend, i will break. snap. completely. i can't take much more of this.
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