Rambling, Entry Two

This is something I wrote out a few days ago;

He never promised not to hurt me. In fact, he never promised me anything, he never said the “l” word to me, never assumed that he did, I just wished he would. I wanted so badly for him to feel something for me. Maybe that’s why I can’t fully let go… I had other people interested in me, men I had no interest in, some who thought I was beautiful, smart, funny, and sexy. I have a good personality. I’m happily married to a man I love more than words can express. Why does Edward still haunt me? Maybe because he was the one I didn’t have in the palm of my hands?

He dinted my pride and stole my self worth. He’s not the one that got away, he’s the one who left me, practically unheard of.

I was the dumper but I was lost in my emotions for him, I was too blind to see the truth. He used me for whatever reason, I was his toy. My relationships after him were dysfunctional to say the least. I used some of them to feel better about me. A horrible thing to do but something I didn’t realize until now.

He scrambled my brain and helped me to lock in my feelings. I never once cried in front of him, even though he tore my heart into a million pieces many time.

Locking in my emotions I think is why I’ve let him affect me so much. I never dealt with the pain he left for me. I just pushed it down until it overflowed.

Questions that remain for me though is; Did he ever really care about me? Why are his eyes drawn to me the same way my eyes are drawn to him? I wish I could know if he has regrets… Does he wish he had treated me better? I wonder if he thinks about me… Sometime I think about the way he hit me or cut me and it hurts. Then I remember the nice things he did for me and that hurts even worse.

I remember when I lost my ring when we were at the lake and we looked for it the rest of the day and never found it. I met him at the lake the next day and he had in his hand, my ring. He went to the lake earlier to find it.

Then there was a time we were slow dancing under the stars and I made a comment about how it would be romantic id it involved other people, then he made it a point for it to be romantic for us.

And the time my cat died and he consoled me…

Really, I could go on… but now my brain is mush.

After reading that… I think he did {does?} care about me?! Any thoughts?