I don't know many people who look at life the way I do. Most of the time, I am afraid to really look at life the way I do. I see things, understand, and interpret things in a way that most don't. I don't choose to do this, and I definitely do not wish it upon anyone else, however, if you are given this particular set of eyes and are the same way this is for you.
I have sought after forgiveness for many years. Not because I have done some major crime and need to seek it or because I have wronged so many people I just can not see a way back, but because I suffer from a broken heart. Forgiveness, comes easily to some people and for those, I thank you! It is a very difficult thing to find peace in a situation and more to find forgiveness. What we as people want to call forgiveness and what is forgiveness are two different things. In one case, the person says I forgive you but never forgets. From experience, this type is a lazy way of thinking on what it is. God, the creator of all of us, is the person we need to look toward for the definition. We see him as forgiving but in reality it is not that he just forgives us, he erases our wrongs and never looks back on them. He took the one precious thing he had, the one pure thing he could offer and gave it over to replace our debt.
Let me tell you about forgiveness, let me tell you the burden it causes, and the hurt it makes. There are few people in my childhood that really helped me deal with who I was. More over, very few people could understand, because the kids my age never dealt with what I did. They did not have to see or do the things I did. Without going into much detail, i will say this, God put me in a position to watch death. As a child, that is not something you can just deal with. It is not something you just work through, as a child or adult. Death is scary, sad, and something we all must encounter. My family went through the trials on a daily basis and I had to grow up fast. My siblings had to grow up fast. We had to learn to get along. (don't get me wrong my parents were there and some family was there but as a child those are the people you don't want to talk to) I found peace from someone I trusted.
My aunt had lived with us and helped raise us. We knew her, or so we thought. She got married but stayed close and still tended us. She listened and talked, and made us feel safe. The problem with putting that kind of emotion in mankind is this, we are fallible. We are weak vessels and fall very very short. My aunt sank into a depression, with that, went our peace. Things started happening in her life and she began to lie to us. Eventually, it led to her leaving us. I went through a period where I was so mad at her for the decision to leave her family, with the idea that she was wrong and that she failed us.
Really, I wanted to forgive her. The issue is I didn't know how to do it. I thought I could just get passed it and that would be the way I could deal with it. I lost myself to that. I just let it get buried. Then she came back. She came back expecting everything to be fine, it wasn't. I am not the same person she left so many years back, and she is not the person I knew. I was mad, in a way I had not been in so long, which reminded me of the very thing I tried to forget.
God has been dealing with me on many things. I learned that despite how I felt about what my aunt had done I was so mad at myself for falling for the trick. When the bible says that the devil comes in sheep's clothing it is very true. What I thought was the sheep clothes was not it at all. My aunt was at fault but she is just as human as I am and I did need to forgive her. I needed to find the strength, through God, to clean the slate. That is not a easy thing to do but the truth is, once I did that I started to write again. I began to feel at real peace. Not the kind that is because I just give up, or get mad. The kind that gives me the will to smile at all the small things around me. The kind of peace that helps me focus on who I am and what I want to be.
Forgiveness, brought me to my knees and a burden was lifted. A burden that I did not even know existed until I felt it gone. The devil took the pain and trial in my life and made me twist it inside myself until it became apart of me. Apart that I didn't even see as a blockade. God forgives us because we all 'Fall short' and because within his righteousness there is peace. We deserve justice for what we do, a justice that is served cold, but he gives us the freedom to never serve our time. I want that kind of forgiveness living inside me and through me.
I forgive you! |
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