I know that a lot of people believe that we need to forget the past and let it die. However, i am not one of those people. Do I believe we need to live in the past or dwell on it? No, our past is just that, past. There is nothing wrong with thinking back and remembering where we came from, what we did, and the circumstances that brought us to where we are now. We have to look back to learn.
As that goes, i have been thinking about my first love. I often go back to him and remember what I felt, who i was, and the reasons I choose the way I did. Let me give you a history on where i have come from. My parents and my siblings, we all grew up under a multi-generation family home. My aunt and grandparents lived with us, or I should say we lived with them. My parents decided to move in because my grandfather had been ill and due to his state couldn't take care of himself. My grandmother would not allow him to go to a nursing home. So my parents, went to live with them. I grew up in a family dependent on each other, and I also learned the value of life. I was taught from so many different views that it helped me stay out of trouble.
Unfortunately, I was not the healthiest kid in my house and so i spent time at the hospital. When I was growing up if i went a year without having to go in, that was special. I learned quickly what illness does and how it effects the ones around you. As i hit my middle school years, i was all to grown up. I was always butting my nose where I shouldn't have and my best friends were adults. I did not get why half the people my age were doing stupid stuff that could put them in danger. I had seen what the out come of recklessness was, and therefor, decided that was not where i wanted to be.
Also, in middle school is where i met my first love and my husband, mind you these are two separate people. My first love is my age, and grade but when i met him i was instantly hooked. I don't know that during that time I understood why. Now, looking back, I get it. I fell for his innocents. I always knew i didn't want trouble, I wasn't about to marry someone who drank or smoked, and definitely no drugs allowed. Consequences have a way of reminding you of exactly the things we fear the most. I befriended him almost immediately and we eventually tried to date but he could never really open up to me. Still to this day, I have no clue why or what it was but i do know that in some ways I scared him. I am not the scared type, I am very out spoken and I know what I want, most of the time. He was exactly the opposite. Nonetheless, I loved him. I kept trying to help him and figure him out and it never worked out.
At just about the same time, i met my husband. Who was instantly hooked on me! (What a coincidence) He asked me out I can't tell you how many times but I looked at him and all I saw was his baggy pants, messy hair, and his probation. I wouldn't give him a chance. Eventually, my friends convinced me to go on a date. A date wouldn't hurt and he was a nice guy. (I became friends with him) I did. We dated for a few months and I just didn't feel for him and broke his heart for the first time. He eventually couldn't even be around me and disappeared.
I know what your thinking, she's a snob and didn't even give him a chance. Your right, but I was not trying to be a snob, I just had a ideal that I thought I found.
High school came around and still the guy I was head over heels for wavered in his thoughts and feelings. Eventually, we just slid into the friendship roles and even though i had feelings, his never did anything. I saw, my husband, at school and started wondering how he was. I called and at first he was busy and told me he would call me back. He never did, so i just thought he didn't want anything to do with me. After all, i did break this guys heart. Later towards the end of the year, he stopped me to see how I was. I just answered as anyone would and the conversation died out fast. Then that summer I just thought of him, I called again. This time his mom answered and she thought I was someone else and handed the phone off. When Eric, thats his name, got on the phone he realized who it was and you could just hear the change. Not in a bad way but in a good way, he got really excited.
We started to hang out and the first day we did, his mom thought we had been physical, because of how happy he was. She said "He was glowing." I brushed it off, about a month went by and he began to ask me out. This time is was different because I knew that the guy I loved didn't think of me that way so eventually I said yes. He knew from the moment he laid eyes on me he loved me, i just figured he was a nice guy and I should give him a chance. I blocked him out of my heart because by this time, the guy I thought I loved could care less. We dated for 6 years! Finally, I was in college and i told Eric I couldn't do it to him anymore. his feelings and my feelings were not the same. I told him to move on and that we couldn't even be friends. Despite the tears that came running down his face, he clearly told me that 'even if i didn't know it, he knew we would get married and there was no one else for him'.
I couldn't talk to him for months, although he tried but i felt like we needed distance. Then one day, he called me and told me that we needed to get together and talk. I agreed to meet at a restaurant and he began to tell me he needed to get away. He needed to find himself and move forward. i thought great, he's finally going to start dating again and figure out I'm no good. That's just when he told me the worst news I could've ever heard. He decided to join the army and he was leaving. My heart sank, what was he thinking? We talked for a long time about it and i raised many objections but eventually he just reminded me he would always be there for me and wasn't giving up on me.
He left for basic training December 29,2008 and it was the hardest 3 months of my life. The day he left was like my heart was ripped out of my chest and burned. I was lost, lonely, and cried constantly. He wrote me and I was the only person he called but every time i got a letter i cried, through his 5-10 min conversations I cried. I couldn't understand what was wrong. Why did it hurt so bad. My father sat down with me on one of my hard days, the days when you cry all day, and he told me that it was alright to feel this way but that I needed to search inside and find strength. When graduation came I was ready a couple weeks before. I went to see him and I cried just looking at him, I almost couldn't believe he was standing there. I had felt like he abandoned me, like I was being punished. The first time I saw him I stood still, I wanted so badly for it to be real I didn't want to blink. Then he started walking towards me, and I ran. i jumped in his arms and we were completely inseparable.
That's when i realized that i loved him and had committed myself to him. It's also when my parents and his knew for sure to. From that moment on, the wedding was already being planned and our parents were talking about how even if they wanted to, they knew they could never stop us.
I married eric 5 months later, we are expecting our first child and he is still in the military but God showed me something. He showed me that what I had thought was my love was just a very small glimpse of what it really is. Eric has been taking care of me, standing by me, and listening for 9 years. He never gave up even when I gave him no reason to hope. God sure has a way of breaking through to us and making us see. My plans are not always his and as for my first love, he is in and out of my life. I still think about what it could have been but I always remember the one who fought for me is still fighting. |
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