It Wont Ever Stop..My Crazy Angel..

02/10/2009

I have had a horrible past 2 years. Well, almost..

I knew this girl Svetlana for 4 years, and, I finally got back together with her in November 2007.

I have done some bad things to her, like making her think that i wanted her to leave so that she'd cry and beg me to stay with her. i needed the reassurance.

but she has done oh so very much more to me than that.

neglected me when i needed her the most.

going out all of the fucking time with her exgirlfriends and scumbag males who only want to fuck her stupid.

btw she forced me to meet her ex on the street in the middle of the fucking night.

i cant do this anymore.

I loved her and still do with all of my being.

But, she has betrayed me.

I FUCKING HITCHHIKED MY ASS THE WHOLE WAY TO CALIFORNIA TO SEE HER.

And, what does she do? Get drunk a million times and hit me.

I don't get it.

She loved me.

And, now that I'm back..She won't have any of it. She simply refuses to talk to me for absoloutley no reason.

And, I told her that I knew that she was gonna break my heart.

And, she promised.

After Casey, I promised myself that I'd never let this happen again.

And, now it's ripping my insides out.

I need to write..So much, but if I do, I'll never stop, and, any poor soul that ventures round my way will be completely dumbfounded and stupified and bored and shit. I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad. I can't take it anymore.

I just can't take it anymore.

She's hurt me so bad and she doesnt even seem to care.

She's so cold.

And, she tells me never to talk to her again.

BUT WHY?

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO HER BUT LOVE HER.

I miss her so much. We did have amazing awesome times together before i met her in person and even when I was there with her.

I ended up checking myself into the psych ward because of her.

She doesn't know that that is why. But it is.

I wanted to die.

I still want to die.

And, the last night..

She invited this guy that we had met in a bar over to have a threesome. Didn't even ask me if it was okay or not.

And, then i had to pee so i kicked them out of the bathroom, and, we were in this office building or something that was like..open sky above you but a labyrinth of mazelike vines and metal doors and shit where the offices were..i hid there alot..with her and withought her.

but anyways when i was done i couldnt find her or him and i assumed that they were fucking or something.

and i went down the stairs and by that time she had come back to the bathroom and was looking for me, and, when she couldn't find me, she started screaming my name over and over looking for me, and, what did I do?

I hid behind a fucking pole.

She ran down the street.

Found me. Hit me.

I went back with her and to make a very long, complicated story short she beat the shit out of me.

she tried to kill herself again that night.

me and the guy looked everywhere for her.

she got kicked out of a bar because she was underage so me and this older guy went out with her.

well me and the young dude went in there looking for her and i asked the bartended if she had seen her and she was like 'OHHHH DID YOU LOSE YOUR UNDERAGE FRIEND???? WELL SHES SMALL BUT SHE LOOKS REALLY RESOURSEFUL SO I AM SURE THAT SHE WILL BE OKAYYY'

And before that she left me standing in the middle of the street while she took off with this man that i hate. she knows that i hate them and yet she did that right in front of my face.

OH SO VERY MUCH MORE HAS HAPPENED AND DID HAPPEN WHILST THERE AND OTHERWISE BUT RIGHT NOW I DONT AND CANT FIND OR HAVE THE EMOTIONAL ENDURACE TO SPEAK OF IT.

i cant stand this pain anymore.

oh god i dont know what to do.