It's too late.

10/31/2016

I am at a point where I feel like I am on a cliff, hanging there by two fingers, paralized with fear, yet knowing that if I do not do something NOW that I will fall into the neverending darkness..Forever. But I am so weak. This sickness has really changed the core of who I am. I hate myself for not knowing it was happening. I hate myself for when I DID know that it was happening, maybe I didn't fight hard enough? Maybe 24 hospitals and doctors was not enough. But no one seems to understand that I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS DISEASE THEN. I DID NOT KNOW THAT DOCTORS ARE TOLD NOT TO TREAT US. For the very first time I UNDERSTAND the phrase ' ignorance is bliss '. Thats the shitty part about all of this. Understanding what this disease really is. Knowing that people are actively trying to destroy you? You can not unlearn what you now know. You can't unsee what you have seen. You can not go back. Not ever. That innocence is gone now. Ripped away like seashells in the outgoing tide. An ocean of neverending pain leading to neverending madness. Spiriling down into the dark pit of the truth. You can't go back now. It's too late.